a_sigh_amid_the_roar_a_tribute_kind_of she is seven months pregnant and carries the shadow of my beloved upon her face....and I am torn between this avuncular impulse and this softly growing sigh of bliss that envelopes me whenever I stray into the peculiar..I mean how do I abdicate myself mySELF to this chaste and undead purgatorial existence...I mean what can I say to her..she wears the face of my beloved and her face has a way of softening, her eyes have a way of favoring you and she's totally being nonmanipulative here, I mean for Christ's sake she's 7 months full of new life and glowing, she glows!!! Momentarily there is this lightness in her speech, in her eyes there is this celestial Light, in her soft velvet alto there is this hope, this...I mean this has nothing absolutely to do with ME!!! I think she's engaged to the father of her child, or at least living with him and it seems to be a solid relationship...so..why am I so becoming the flailing fish on cupids goddamned blade??? or is it merely the shadow, the reflection of that wonderful poets soul that brought me to the very mouth of death and had left me there for several years...see there's this nexus, there's this genetic and artistic nexus that this incredibly fallen and glowing and beautifully dying woman shares with...god i just realized she's falling towards her doom and I think maybe by creating life it will save her life and give her the thing she's been yearning for..maybe...maybe the night naked as new fallen snow on a young spruce nesting, nay sprawling within the fathoms of her unrequited heart, the love of men and friends and the unfailing friendship of spirits and some whose deserts of silence she has known and yet it, It still left her feeling cold, w/o a blanket and on some level unknown and alone. And on some level I have known her soul, seen or felt her soul as tear upon tear falling fast and burning the swelled crests of her egyptian eyes fell upon the bronzed skin of her soft arms folded beneath her heart or over her heart...I will be damned if I venture any further, but I have known her soul before how could i tell her "it's not necessary, i'm sure it's lovely or heart wrending but i've already seen it, in another life, or upon someone else's life who If you really knew her would become very dear to YOU" I remain quite calm whenever fate throws our paths together, I give no indice of my inner turmoil...I'm getting really good at that. Maybe that's why I started to feel even less substantial than the...maybe I CAN be redeemed by this sin...maybe for one blazing instance...so yeah i feel even less substantial that the..god all the thigs and the people that crowd her life all the things she knew and knows so superficially and THEY don't even know it or care!!! ...care even that all the things in thier lives are anchored to sheer superficiality!@!!!! so there's the roar where's thesigh and the neat and tidy and yet masterful encapsulations and vivid evocations? not here my friend....you won't E ver find them here 050612 ... . 050625 ... I mean if she touched me with her kind, bottomless soul, if she ever ventured out of her sepulcral splendor into the shattered vase of my splintered faith, to have her feet, her delicate slender feet cut upon all those broken things that scream and well up out of me... If she stepped out of her inviolate radiance and into the squalor of my asphyxiating shadow it would be like Dawn kissing a vampires burning mouth. 050625 ... oldephebe looking into those eyes, it was like being caught in glory, a glorious primordial flame, that was *"..burning the whole universe with her radiance.." (*that line is appropriated from a Zen like master whose works are called "The Wisdom of the Sadhu.) ... 050704 what's it to you? who go blather from