yet_again jennifer I missed my chance 000505 ... *CatMeow* i'm sitting here talking to you, but not really saying anything, atleast nothing of consequence in the grand scheme of things, not even in the petit scheme of things, like say, my life... and yet again you're here, as usual, and i just can't read you, can't tell if you're thinking what i'm thinking (i want you), i'm hoping you are, and yet again, i just don't ask, i sit here talking, but completely tongue-tied, and yet again, i hate myself for missed oppourtunities... if i could just be who you wanted... 010108 ... silentbob i sit and ponder my lonliness i lie about my feelings i avert eye contact i destroy time and waste years i squrim in my chair avoiding the inevitablity of standing. 010108 ... NOLA and yet again you fuck me over you will be sorry for it you lying BASTARD 010526 ... unique butterfly yet again i'm here and feeling sad. 010606 ... ditto. ssssssssssshhhhhhhush. 010621 ... andru235 it's not as though i didn't try i pointed to evidence here, i pointed to evidence there "that's irrelevant," he said each time i asked what, then, was relevant his response was that it was so obvious he didn't feel it didn't need to be pointed out i offered that, perhaps, i was too dense to see it and could he simply tell me why? one reason, one reason why. i'd have relented if he came up with one single reason. "if i need to tell you, you wouldn't understand," he responded "so you are a believer in things psychic?" i asked "no i am NOT," he said emphatically. "what does that have to do with it?" "well," i began, "if you do not believe in psychic-ness, there is no way you could know in advance whether i would understand or not. so you must attempt to explain your stance." apparently, he didn't like this at all. "[andru235], you are as illogical as a woman." i expressed my grave misgivings about the logical facilities of men, but he informed me that i had a polluted mind. had i been new to this sort of thing, i might have been shocked. i offered another evidence for why the picture was larger than he was allowing for. he shot me down with a swift reference to my having depression. "it clouds your thinking," he explained. i sighed. he had started the argument, and he had made the hasty allegations. it was he who wanted to see me behave differently, for his purposes. now i had offered evidence in eleven varying styles relating to varying viewpoints on the situation, and he had dismissed each without a moment's consideration. he had refused to offer any evidence of his own. my attempts to elicit this evidence had proved futile. "if you don't change your behavior," he advised, "i will be left with only one choice. i am the authority for a reason, you know." centuries of dealing with this type of thing have left me weary and anti-authoritarian. the only authority he really had was the authorship of the book of fools. so i observed, "in fact you would be left with five choices, at the very least." i listed off five obvious choices, including the choice he had alluded to. then i noted that if he had only one choice, it was not a 'choice' at all. "don't try and turn this into an argument over semitics," he scolded. i wanted to say, "the word is 'semantics', you trained protozoan," but i did not want to offend any protozoa in the area. so instead i asked, "when was the last time you did any reading about this, any reading at all?" "i don't need to read about it. i already know all about it," he stated conclusively. "how much longer are you going to deny reality, [andru235]?" the teapot asked the black kettle. i was suddenly having a rare attack of the must-have-the-last-words-before-leaving-idiotville-s. "if denying reality means at least *attempting* to be educated on the matters i make sweeping pronouncements about; if denying reality means at least *trying* to proceed with both respect for myself and for others; if denying reality means at least maafe..." i began to stutter. i am never very good at this. "...means making an effort to acknowledge that every point of consideration has hundreds of viewpoints; if denying reality means trying to find solutions that work well for everyone here and not merely solutions that are convenient for you; then i will continue to deny reality for the rest of my life." i turned to leave. "you don't make any sense," he yelled. "you need to learn how to communicate." i opened the door. i turned to say something, anything, but what was the point? as i left, he yelled, "you know i'm right!" he was correct. he was on the extreme-religious-right. later that day he, christian-that-he-claims-to-be, sought a petty vengeance upon me for walking out on him, and i, the anti-monotheist, forgave him. 050601 ... unhinged you push me away and i'm sick of standing here with my arms outstretched, empty 050601 what's it to you? who go blather from