where_do_i_begin Doar it seems that the lateness of my steps sees others sunrises, it shines in my eyes, and makes my footsteps slower, it has a beginning that colours my feelings, and yet it also has feeling that tones my beginnings. I stare at my cup each night, filling it with other wordly lateness. Love seems to see my cup and stops infrequently, to visit. It plays the piano for me, promises a night never to be forgotten, and leaves before I can thank it. I tend to repeat Love to everyone I meet, I tend to type love as I see it to everyone I meet. It's high notes and low notes make me despair, almost seemingly the painting I disregarded. It was an illusion, it was always an illusion. I have spent too many misguided ways of tracing love, and in my hit and misses, I have determined my own illusions. All of you back away from the silence I bring, and yet all of you stare at my hands, and wonder why. 070302 ... pete it's five seventeen, i'm home after an hour walk, the wet socks are off, i'm slightly annoyed at the circumstances that brought me here, and i'd be angry if i thought it productive (which it isn't in this case). i wish her luck with her guy, but for fuck's sake don't flirt with me all night, hold my hand, get me to cab to your apartment, invite me in, and then send me home. there are other places i could be sleeping nearer to where we left from. i'm fracking tired, and need sleep (which is coming oh so soon), but what happened tonight i don't want to talk about. but please, don't do this to me or anyone else every fucking again. ever. 070303 ... love and hate my life has finally become some form of normality and once again, things happen to try to destroy that. To be with a girl who says she wants to be with you but doesn't want a relationship. To want a girl so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And when you tell her this, she ignores it because she doesn't want to deal with it. Where do i go from here?! Do i stay and continue trying?! Or do i walk away from this thinkng that she doesn't want to be with me when she has told me that she does. I am SO bad at making decisions, as my past has proven, i don't want to make the wrong one again. But what is right and what is wrong?! I am trying to compromise, but i don't want to change the person i've become and i don't want to become weak. Where do i begin to take that step in the right direction?! Whatever that direction may be?! 070303 ... pete by saying nothing. 070303 ... . Wherever you want. However, be warned that you'll_never_end. 070303 ... sameolme Occasionaly I am led to see my own beginnings through the words of others. Thank you at this and at every begin again. 070304 ... pete the easy answer is to begin at the beginning, but where does one thing begin and another end? even physically speaking it is difficult to be exact, as the smaller you get the larger things become, the more interconnected and alive unliving matter appears. temporally, everything is moved by something else. aristotle believed that there was, if one went far enough back, a primal unmoved mover. it moved all realms of being through their love and wish to return to this unmoved mover. it moves but inspiring the love, or desire or longing or devotion, of all lesser things, but it does not move itself. so where do i begin? philosophically i cannot begin, as i live in a world of changing, of process, of life. practically speaking i demarcate segments of my life in to boxes and hold them close. i know today from yesterday by the fact that i woke up and it was today, though this means i've lived less than the days that have passed (the measurement of time being a fickle and relative thing), due to a few all nighters scattered over the past four years. but, in the end, (where is this end, how can the end be known without the beginning?), it truly doesn't matter where i begin, as long as i do begin. 070304 ... fix oh god, i want want what to do? 070304 what's it to you? who go blather from