prodigal_emotions_
unhinged he stood at the edge of the cliff that overlooked the valley where he had lived his whole life. the cigarette smoke gathering above his head grew from a puff to a cloud. after he sucked the parliament full flavor down to the recessed filter, he flicked the butt over the edge and watched it tumble end over end for as long as he could. he rubbed his sleepy eyes. the sky was barely lightened by the sun; he was sure she was still sleeping blissfully oblivious. anger swelled up in his chest as he looked out over the valley. fuck all this shit, these people, this goddamn shithole of a valley. he screamed and watched his soundwaves spread out over the valley, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.'



it was recess time and all the little children were running over the asphalt playground like ants on a hill. the sixth graders dominated the basketball hoops. the fourth graders were playing kickball. a group of first grade girls twirled jump ropes by the back door. this week was the week the second graders got to play on the jungle gym. they scrambled up the tires and across the monkey bars or slid down the fireman's pole. some of them flipped up and over and around the parallel bars. in the hierarchy of small children, the only way a little boy could gain any credibility was to swing all the way across the monkey bars without falling. the ring leaders of his class stood at the opposite end taunting him.

'come on fatso. you're just afraid. you know you can't make it all the way across.'

he stared at them, determined. 'fatso, fatso. can't make it across. fatso can't make it across.'

he jumped up and grabbed the first bar with both hands. he swung forward and his left hand grabbed the next rung. then the right hand swung forward and missed. he fell with a hard thud to the mulch underneath.

'told you you couldn't make it across fatso.' the bell rang and all the children on the playground ran to the back door to line up. he slowly sat up in the mulch and checked his knees and elbows that were red and plastered with mulch from the impact of the fall. the noonaids blew their whistles to gather up the stragglers. when he finally made it to his line, the boy that headed his class line looked at him and mouthed:

'told you, you wouldn't make it fatso.'



the car naturally found it's way back to the house he shared with her. his brain went on autopilot when he was tired. he couldn't leave her like that, taking off in the middle of the night without a word. he pulled into the driveway of the little ranch they rented and got his suitcase out of the trunk. sneaking in the front door, he listened for any movement in the house. it was still inside like a muggy summer day with no breeze. he tiptoed into their bedroom, stashed the suitcase in the closet, slipped of his pants, and crawled back into bed. 		050710
...
unhinged she rolled over and grumbled sleepily. in her sleep, she pulled him close to her, her hands around his waist. he brushed away the hair from her face. some of the girls he'd been with were perfect when they woke up. like models or commercial actresses, always with perfect hair and makeup like the girls on the face soap commercials who washed their face with makeup on and still it was always perfect. but not stephanie. she wriggled and squirmed so much in her sleep that her ponytail worked loose and her hair ended up in a fuzzy halo around her face. the dark circles under her eyes were further darkened by the rubbed off mascara like war paint or the sun reflector baseball players painted on.

in short, steph was a mess. a beautiful mess, always grumbles and disarray. she reminded him of his sister's cat when he was younger. muffy hissed and spit a lot but also cuddled when you needed it most. just like steph.




'i'm gonna ride my bike to the park mom.' it was always best to ask mom to do things she normally wouldn't let him do when she was busy cleaning. he could hear the water swooshing in the kitchen sink with the clank of plates and silverware. mom was doing dishes.

'jordan...why do you always...,' he could hear the frustration in her voice.

'oh come on ma.'

'ok, fine, just be home by dinner. i'm not gonna go looking for you.'

he pedaled as fast as his stubby little legs would go. three blocks down and four blocks over was the nearest park. he bumped along full speed on the grass til he got to the monkey bars. as he got closer to the jungle gym, he vaulted off the bike and pushed it towards the grass. he hit the mulch running and climbed up the wooden frame of the gym to the landing of the monkey bars.

he was going to get across those bars, dinner or no dinner. and he would go to school the next day and show all those mean kids that a fatso could make it across the monkey bars.

three hours later his mother came to the park looking for him and found him with bloody knees and elbows and blisters on his palms. there were also pieces of bloody mulch plastered to his knees and elbows. his dirty tear streaked face was twisted in pain as he hung by one arm on the fourth rung trying to reach for the fifth one. he wouldn't let go and his arm looked like it was going to pop out of the socket.

at the sight of her son in such agony all her anger deflated. she started to run towards him. 'jordan....,' he could hear the tears in her voice.

'they told me that a fatso couldn't do it mom. i'm going to do it. they'll see.'



after he finished brushing her hair out of her face, he wet a fingertip with his spit and started to rub the mascara off of her face. she smiled and finally opened her eyes. 'what are you doing jordan?'

'getting you clean.'

'it's gonna take more than some spit to get me clean.'

'tell me about it steph.' he pushed her arms away from him and hopped out of bed. 		050710
...
unhinged she followed him. 'oh come on baby, i've been trying. i've really been trying this time.'

'oh, really?' jordan was standing in front of the medicince cabinet rifling through all the bottles. stephanie stood in the doorway leaning against the door jamb standing on one foot, anxiously biting her lip. her hands fluttered until she folded them under her armpits to stop their nervous motion. jordan glanced over at her 'what are you so nervous about steph?' and he pulled an unmarked tin out of the cabinet that was hidden behind an unopened box of aspirin. he opened the lid and saw several different sizes of pills in blue, green, and white. jordan pushed past her in the doorway. she was so close behind him that when he turned back he almost knocked her over.

'you call this trying?' jordan couldn't help it; his voice started to climb in volume. 'what's in this one steph? valium, vicodin, darvaset, percaset? what's in here?' her lip started to tremble.

'jordan...please. please, don't yell.'

'i've done everything else steph. i've thrown pills away over and over again.' as he talked, he was looking through the pill box picking them up one by one to read the little writing etched in each one. he picked up a white one and dropped it. 'steph...' he walked over to the closet.

'jordan...jordan. what are you doing?' her voice was frantic.

'you're doing oxy now. you're doing OXY now. i told you. i am not going to sit here and clean up your puke anymore.' he pulled his suitcase out of the closet. she tripped over her own feet and fell next to him trying to loosen his grip on the suitcase. tears were streaming down her face.

'no...no. jordan please. how am i supposed to quit without you? i can't do it without you. please don't leave me.'

he picked her up with his free arm and threw her on the bed. 'doesn't look like you are quitting with me either.' and then he lowered his head and his voice softened. 'i love you steph. i have to do this. i love you.' as he walked toward the front door, he could hear her bawling in the bedroom. ugly sniffling sobs made him hesitate at the door.




the next day, little jordan went to school with bandages on his knees and elbows and gauze wrapped around his hands. the other boys snickered at him all morning.

'what'd ya do fatso? fall down walking down the street?'

'my name isn't fatso, it's jordan.'

the teacher overheard the conversation. 'jason, don't call names. do you want to go to the office again?'

he glared at jordan. 'no.'

that day on the playground, jason followed jordan around taunting him. 'looks like fatso isn't going to make it across the monkey bars this week. look at all those bandaids. what a klutz. geez, fatso can't even walk without hurting himself.'

jordan suddenly turned and faced jason. 'i'm not afraid of you, you jerk. but you should be afraid of me. i may be fat, but i could kick your butt.'

jason pointed his finger in jordan's face and started laughing. 'you...kick my butt? hahaha, that's funny fatso.'

the noonaids had to pull jordan off of jason. jason had two black eyes and a bloody nose. jordan wasn't allowed to come back to school for a week, but when he did come back all the boys in his class followed him around the playground.



jordan drove circles around the town. he had to do it this time. all the other times he had threatened her with leaving, and now she wasn't just doing painkillers, she was doing oxy. that was how tom started, on oxy. he told her in the beginning that if he ever found out she was doing oxy, he would leave her.

and he was standing on the cliff in the park just hours before ready to zoom off before he even knew about the oxy. it wasn't just steph and her drugs. he needed to leave the valley. before he fell down the same path as steph and tom and all his other friends.

he got on the highway and drove west. he swallowed his tears and drove out of town. it was going to be better this way. 		050711
...
LS . 050711
...
unhinged there was a traffic jam at the bathrooms before lunchtime. jordan's class stood next to the wall waiting their turn. the other fourth grade class stood in front of the office. the special ed kids walked down the middle of the hallway and stopped.

jordan's computer pal, andy, from the special ed class waved at him. he was a little boy with blonde hair and down's syndrome. 'hi jordan' came out characteristically too loud and a little slurred. someone from the other class hit andy in the back of the head with a spitball. 'ouch.'

'hi andy. i saw that nick. cut it out.'

'hi retard.'

andy turned towards nick, 'i know you are but what am i?'

'good one retard.' nick rolled his eyes.

that day on the kickball field nick fell rounding first and got tagged out.

jordan stood over him with the ball in his hand, 'run much retard?'



tom passed jordan the joint. they were sitting on kaleb's couch watching him play ps2 and smoking pot. the cloud hung heavy in kaleb's living room. kaleb paused the game.

'how bout you guys let me hit that shit this time around?'

'sure man.' jordan got off the couch and took a step towards the chair kaleb was sitting on.

'it's not like i don't have a contact buzz anyways.' kaleb grinned a skeletal grin.

tom started to chuckle and his sputtering laugh turned into a cough. 'shit man, you know we've been sitting around together smoking pot since we were like 12 or some shit?'

jordan and kaleb stared at each other blankly trying to check tom's calculation in their heads. tom started to shift his weight to one ass cheek and stuck his hand in his right pants pocket. he pulled out a baggie with pills in it. 'so what do you boys say to one of these?'

kaleb looked over at tom 'do you know what they are?'

'no, but the green ones chill you out and give you some fucked up dreams.'

'i think i'm high enough dude.' jordan folded his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. he felt the pressure on his eyelids and his head was spinning like he was holding his sister's hands in the front yard and running in circles as fast as he could.

'yeah, i think i'll just puff on this joint man.'

'alright. you guys lose.' 		050717
...
unhinged as jordan drove west out of the valley, and caught his last glimpse of the shithole that had shaped his life, he grabbed the dugout out of the ashtray of his '93 taurus and packed up a one hitter. he raised the small metal piece to the skyline that was quickly shrinking behind him and thought of all his friends and the women and the relationships that were dead or near dying and managed to clear the piece in one hit. his mind involuntarily darted to tom and his heart panged with the memory of his dead friend. tom always used to joke with him about how he had the biggest lung capacity of any stoner he knew.

jordan knew the road west out of the valley like the back of his hand. so many times him and his dudes had escaped to the nearest truly big city in the state to forget the squalor they lived in for awhile. either to check out bands or just stupidly drive far away to get trashed, they always had a convienient excuse for the two hour trip. the dank began to effect jordan's brain and his muscle memory took over driving the car. he was doing it; he was leaving. his ghosts and memories sat on his chest like a lead weight and then a flicker of his first girlfriend raced across his brain and he pursued the thought like a small child chasing a butterfly in an open field.



in high school, kaleb, tom, and jordan made a lame attempt to form a band. tom played bass and sang. kaleb kicked at the drums. tom picked up a guitar and hacked away. they never actually played out anywhere; it was just a more solid excuse for the three of them to hang out and get high. by then, jordan's mom was onto his bullshit, but she only ever made passive agressive admonishments while he laughed and kissed her on his way out the door.

ma cast him a withering glance, 'where are you going?'

'out to get high.'

'no you aren't.'

'ok ma. i'm not. later.' and he was off to tom's. they were having a gathering that night. if he was lucky, one of the cheerleaders that was bound to be there would give him a blowjob.

even though he was seventeen, he still didn't have his liscense, so he pedaled his tricked out jumping/dirt racing bike over to tom's, almost getting hit several times. as usual, he flicked up a stiff middle finger and kept going.

tom's parents liked to quietly support their teenage parties. they even bought the beer and collected the car keys in a basket at the door. they figured it was better to be 'open' about the situation. they were pretty clear about other illegal substances, but that didn't stop most of the kids from bringing pot, mushrooms, acid, and assorted pills over too.

jordan walked in the side door and planted a kiss on tom's mom's cheek. 'hi ms. krayle. how are you?' mrs. krayle grabbed his face in her hands.

'oh jordan,' she flashed him a huge smile. 'everyone is downstairs of course.'

jordan tumbled down the stairs into the finished basement. 'where's the fucking beer?' and then he noticed her. he sauntered over, pretending to not give a fuck, even though his heart was pounding just at the sight of her. he elbowed her playfully. 'hey, my name's jordan. i've never seen you over here before.'

'my friend kate knows tom. she wanted to come so,' she gave a nonchalant shrug. 'my name is dana.' dana had a semi-scowl plastered on her face that made little wrinkles right in between her eyes.

jordan stuck out his hand and she grabbed it in a light-handed, girly way. he warmly clasped it, 'nice to meet you' and then squeezed as she started to smile. he couldn't get over her hair. long and wavy and blonde; and she had the best smile. he immediately wanted to make her smile as much and as often as possible. she never let go of his hand that night. he never got a blowjob from one of the cheerleaders that night.


but after the memory of their initial meeting played itself out, the other more disturbing scenes of their five year relationship started to play themselves out and jordan snapped back to reality. he didn't want to think about how nutty dana got, how they talked about committing themselves to the mental hospital together, how she eventually started smoking more pot than he did which led to her abuse of sleeping pills and muscle relaxers.

even though his sister was still friends with dana, he tried to avoid her as much as possible. he always wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and feed her chicken soup everytime he saw her. part of his heart would always be wrapped up in her; the innocent part that everyone gives away to their first true love.

jordan lit a cigarette and turned up the stereo to ear-shattering levels to try to drown it all out. modest_mouse blared in the background. 'won't you please bury me with it?' 		060521
...
unhinged it was late march. a perpetual drizzle hung in the air. it seemed like the sun had been hidden for years, but it was actually months. it was the time of the year in the valley when the mental hospitals were full. even jordan had contemplated checking himself in, but he just couldn't give himself over to the idea. not that he blamed any of his friends for it or taking their prescriptions or anything like that, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

winter and early spring in the valley were hard to describe. it really was like living in purgatory. after awhile, everything turned grey. even the snow developed a top crust of dirt and salt that turned the bottom hem of your pants and your boots grey with the grit and dust of salt. from december through march, the sky was just varying shades of grey. the people that lived in the valley were the posterchildren of seasonal affective disorder.

but maybe about a handful of days in those four months the sun would come out. it didn't matter how cold it was; people would venture out and walk around trying to soak it up while they could. it was hard to believe how beautiful a pale blue winter sky could be until you didn't see the color blue for weeks or even months on end.

it was late march. jordan couldn't remember the last time the sun had come out. it was dark grey that day. the grit of the semis and buses and turned all the snow near the streets practically black. he was walking on campus when his phone rang. it was kaleb.

'jordan where are you?' kaleb sounded tweaked.

'i'm on campus dude. it's tuesday. what the fuck is wrong?'

'dude, he's dead.'

jordan's heart stopped. everything around him took on a muffled quality. then all he could hear was his blood rushing through his ears.

'jordan? jordan?! are you there?'

'yeah...'

'you have to come over here. i don't know what to do. i came over to play video games or whatever and i found him...'

'fuck dude. i'll be right there.' jordan ran across campus to his car. the cars zipping by in the black slush on the street sounded like waterfalls to him. people stopped and stared as he ran past. this time of year people just trudged around staring at their feet. 'fuck. fuck. FUCK.'

jordan climbed in his car. that was when he realized that he had started crying. his hands were shaking. tom was such a fucking asshole. how could...why...what the fuck was his problem? well, jordan knew what his problem was. the goddamn pills he couldn't stop taking had finally killed him. a wave of guilt washed over jordan; tom had asked him to come over last night but dana was freaking out too and they were so rocky. he was crying so hard that he was bent over the steering wheel for support and his stomach started to ache with the physical effort of his sobs. his phone rang again.

'jordan?'

'yeah dude,' sniffle. 'sorry, i'm on my way.' 		060705
...
unhinged jordan and the guys were at the park watching the high school kids play frisbee. jordan had the bud in his pocket his sister had given him that weekend when she was home from college. he smiled when he thought of the conversation.

'hey buddy you drink right?'

he nodded. 'you know; nothing better to do around here anyways.'

'right. ever smoked pot?'

he shook his head. some of the kids in his junior high talked about it, but none of his friends actually did it. they were still scared off from the DARE assembly in the fifth grade.

'well you should. it's so much better than drinking. i'm telling you. i brought you something.' she pulled a baggie out of her pocket. 'you have to promise you won't get caught. promise?'

'pinky swear.' he stuck out his right pinky and his sister hooked her left pinky in his.

'and rule no.2 jordan: never rat out your supplier.'


jordan pulled the baggie out of his pocket. 'hey guys, look what my sister gave me.'

they huddled around him. 'is that....weed?'

'yeah, for sure. she said it's better than drinking.'

'no way. smoking's bad for you.'

'so is drinking dumb ass.'

tom threw a rock at him. 'well, do you have anything to smoke it out of?'

'what?'

'well you need something to smoke it out of dumb ass,' tom said in a mocking tone. 'just like your sister to be half-assed.'

jordan threw himself at tom. they fell to the ground and jordan started punching him in the gut.

'hey, HEY' kaleb pulled them apart.

'don't talk about my sister man.'

'right. well whatever. i can get something to smoke out of from my brother. we should save that.'

'yeah.' 'yeah.' 'yeah.' jordan stuffed the baggie back in his pocket. 		080416
...
unhinged after a week of driving and sleeping at rest stops, jordan had finally made it to oregon. it seemed like everyone back home was moving out to portland. it was the cool city on the west coast for kids his age to move. but he'd also heard there were a lot of kids his age homeless out there, not enough work for the mass exodus of disaffected midwesterners. a smirk formed on his lips. jordan couldn't figure out why everywhere else in the country the midwest was thought of as some sweet wholesome place. the midwest was dying. nothing sweet and wholesome about that. everyone in that fucking valley was nutsack insane. drugs drugs and more drugs. right; wholesome. a bitter chuckle escaped his lips.

on the long drive, he decided he wanted to stay on the outskirts of portland and look for some co_op farm to work/live on. his grandpa had been a farmer. his dad worked on the farm growing up. a sod farm, cutting grass. jordan's dad insisted he go to college to escape that kind of fate, but school wasn't jordan's thing. he took more to the menial jobs of his irish heritage, like cooking, physical labor.

as he drove, jordan kept getting distracted by the forest around him. the fern, the tall tall trees, red grey green everywhere. it was nothing like the forest in ohio. he contemplated how far he had driven in the past week, through all the different climates and such. when he looked at a map, the different blocks of color otherwise known as states hadn't prepared him for what his country actually looked like when he was driving through it.

slowly, his heart was loosening. the big ball in his chest was getting smaller. the more distance jordan put between home and where ever he was going to end up, he felt lighter. fuck it, just fuck it all.

'i'm over it,' he said out loud to himself as he pulled the car over to a park. as he climbed out to stretch his legs, his heart bubbled over. 'wooohooo' he threw his fist up and did a little shuffle dance. a couple across the parking lot eyed him. with an audience, his dance got a little wilder. the couple started to move towards him.

'hey man what's up?'

'i just drove here all the way from ohio.'

'really? that's cool. what are you up to?'

'trying to find some work at one of the co_ops around here.'

'well the mushroom farm on route 6 is always hiring.' the girl that was standing next to the guy talking snickered.

'hey. i don't mind getting a little shit on my hands. i've been trading one kind of shit for another my whole life.'

'well right on. you want some directions?'

'yeah. for sure. thanks. i just have this feeling you know?'

'like starting over?'

'exactly.'

'well there's a lot of people around here doing that.' the guy wrote him out some directions on a fast food napkin with a ball point pen. they parted ways without exchanging names. jordan got back in the car and turned up some white stripes.

'sugar never tasted so sweet, sugar never tasted so sweet....' 		090122
...
unhinged kaleb, jordan, and dana walked away from the freshly dug grave with the rest of the mourners. the ground was soft, muddy. dana's high heels kept getting sucked off her feet by the suction of the mud. she grabbed onto jordan's arm to steady herself. their eyes caught.

'i'm so sorry jordan.' the guilt had been tearing dana up.

he looked away, down at the hem of his pants. they were too short for him now. it had been years since he last needed to wear a suit. 'shit. i have mud on my pants.'

dana tugged at him. 'jordan, please talk to me.'

kaleb could feel the situation escalating even through his stupor. 'i'll meet you guys at the car.' he practically ran from them, almost fell as the mud sucked on the slick bottoms of his dress shoes.

jordan took his hand from hers in a quick angry motion. dana flinched. 'what do you want me to say?'

'jordan...please.' she grabbed her own hand, looked up at him cautiously.

'no, really dana. what do you want me to say? one of my best friends is dead. he called me. he needed me. and i picked you instead. there i said it. does it make you feel better?' hot angry tears were splashing down his face. dana was chewing on the nail of her left pointer finger.

'jordan....that's not fair.' she tried to grab his hand and he dodged her touch. tears started to fall, slowly one at a time down her cheeks.

'yeah, it's not fair. you're right. everyone needs me. sometimes ten fucking people at one time need me and i have to pick. i have to decide which one needs me the most. and when i pick wrong stupid fucking bullshit happens. what about me? what happens when i need someone?' other mourners leaving the funeral where looking side eyed at jordan and dana.

'jordan, come on. let's go to the car.'

'don't touch me right now okay? just don't touch me.'

when they got in kaleb's car, the mud from their shoes dirtied his car mats. 'should we stop at the krayles' ?'

'we have to.'

'yeah. right.' 		090127
...
unhinged prodigal_emotions_return 090209
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