cutting_through_the_park jane she talked on the phone with him for the first time last night. it had been a week since her nervous breakdown. she knew she had scared him, but she didn't want him to know how scared she was. they were talking on the phone when he asked where she lived again. she told him, and he replied that he was only two streets away. i'll be there in a second, he said, but i'm not staying long. she grabbed some shoes and ran downstairs. it was good to see his face again, she was freezing, but he provided warmth. they leaned up against a black car, hoping they wouldn't set off the alarm. he told her she looked good in blue. she smiled, because she knew it; she had left her jacket open even in this weather so he could see it. they talked for awhile without reservations. she brushed her cheek up against his a couple times. he put his arms around her, still cautious but loving in a way. she asked what he was doing, and he said he was going home. she asked if she was going with him. the answer was a tentative yes, so she ran upstairs to grab her things, stopping across the hall to excitedly tell her friends, "he's here!!" and then ran back downstairs. he admitted that he had been turned off by the nervous breakdown. he thought she was nuts and she knew it. how do you convince someone you're not nuts? that it was just the temporary insanity of realizing you're in love but it will never happen? she realized that for all the love she could give to him, he would always be pushing her away because he would rather want what he couldn't have than have it and be disappointed. on the train ride there he turned his back to her as he recognized someone from awhile ago. as they got off he commented that she must be thinking he's the rudest person in the world. she said no. as they passed the bus stop she realized they would be walking the whole way. he mentioned that the other thing was he didn't want her to get hurt. she told him that it was impossible, that she only matched whatever anybody else gave so that would never happen. they cut through the park and he cut through her heart with his comments. she told him it was all eradicated by his actions or lack of action this past week. he grabbed her sleeve and pulled her close to him, but she told him to stop and pulled away. she wanted to hold him but she knew she had this charade to carry on. 040217 ... jane he mentioned that he realized what he didn't like about her was all of the things he made up in his head. she realized that by doing this he was justifying pushing her away. they walked up the stairs to his apartment. she sat on the couch and refused to look at him. he sat down next to her and put his leg over hers. they went into the kitchen, he made a salad, she washed the dishes. he slapped her ass and found it offensive in a fifties housewife kind of way. he defended his action by saying her ass looked great in her pants. the whole time they were talking upstairs she didn't know what to say. she was going to let him talk and not say anything until she knew how he felt. by the end of him talking he had simply summarized their relationship and yet not given any answers to what was happening now and/or where it was going. he mentioned his love for his roommate and how maybe even that was silly because he could only want it from not being able to have it. exactly, she said. how do i know you don't only want me because i have been distant from you this whole time? he finally laid it out for her. that he liked her but didn't want to feel obligated towards anyone. that he wanted to reserve the freedom to not call. she was taken aback that he would ever see his freedom impeded upon. it was agreed, then, that nothing would change. but she had kept something from him. things had changed. she was now involved with her employer, who was on a business trip to siberia. she told him it had been over, but it wasn't. she felt bad about lying to him, but her father had told her that the worst thing she could ever do would be bring it up. so she kept her mouth shut. 040217 what's it to you? who go blather from