conversing_between_rain_drops endless desire i love the rain. the whole sound of it makes me feel less lonely. it's like each drip-drop, pitter-patter sound is another friend here with me keeping me company as i go about my mindless antics. ive developed this ridiculous amount of social anxiety--i avoid groups of people at all costs without having any logical basis for this fear at all. im just so un- comfortable with every bit of myself, both the physical and the mental, that it's so much easier to stay away, stay at home, stay alone. but being alone causes me all this anxiety, as well-- this nervous feeling in my gut that just repeats in a drowning voice that the walls are thin, the room is cold, and i am the only inhabitant of it all. but the rain won't judge//and the rain won't come to close. it's just there to listen, and for me to listen in return: in this way, we are dear friends, as we dance in this constant conversation, conversing between rain drops on the roof and the tapping of my keyboard. it's a special code and i will sing with him all evening. 2/27/06 061018 ... Chris aka I know how you feel. To dread loneliness and interaction at the same time. The fear of not measuring up or falling victim to the ever judging minds of human beings. Being by yourself doesn't work either because where the fear of people judging you stops, the constant bombardment by yourself begins. It is so much easier to be alone or cling to someone. I like the rain to. 061018 ... endless desire now that ive been on both sides of the spectrum, i think that the healthiest people fall somewhere in the middle of a complete wallflower and a ridiculous social butterfly--all in the time and place and mindframe or some kind of combination of the two characteristics. but when taken to the extreme, they are both exhausting and ever-taxing. social anxiety can break one's world apart and NO one can understand it unless they've been there. but being social all the time is the fakeness that becomes a plastic smile and a copy after a copy after a copy until you break down and lose it all because everyone can only fake it for so long--it's only a matter of time. simply watch american_beauty. im kind of flip-flopper these days (since i wrote this last january and have grown a lot since then). somedays i want to be alone... the problem is, i can't. i never thought that ten months later living in an entire apartment complex full of college students across from a university and having my boyfriend sleep over every single night might really start to drive me out of my mind. i long for more silence and seculsion. it's really odd. im smuthered by friends and loved ones who aren't my family but it's different. with your family, you can be a bitch sometime and they get over it because they love you. but when you're with people your age, you have to go as long as you can without snapping and acting like a jackass to the people you're surrounded by daily. and it's like, you know it's going to happen, but you're waiting it out--as though, moving out and not living with my family is some sort of summer camp that's going to end. but gah, i could never go back there. not to that house. 061025 what's it to you? who go blather from