040827 27 August 2004 61_day's_Iraq_self_rule_after_US_led_war 040827 ... kx21 what's_the_'Point'? EIEO... 040827 ... 28 Sep 2004 Kidnappers Release Seven Hostages in Iraq Two Italians among hostages released in Iraq 45 minutes ago 040928 ... . * Live_Movies * 040928 ... 17 Oct 2004 Green Zone, Code Red Why can't American forces secure the Iraqi capital? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6263049/site/newsweek/ 041017 ... 17 Oct 2004 Green Zone, Code Red Why can't American forces secure the Iraqi capital? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6263049/site/newsweek/ 041017 ... 17 Oct 2004 Green Zone, Code Red Why can't American forces secure the Iraqi capital? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6263049/site/newsweek/ 041017 ... a "point" * Green_Zone * 041017 ... 22 Oct 2004 World oil price soars to record 1 hour ago 041022 ... . * Oil_Prices * 041022 ... unhinged i remember this day because i got my tattoo on 040828 because i had the strong urge to shred myself to pieces on this day; i haven't been quite the same ever since. i started getting_high on a regular basis again. found all these boys that meant nothing that i wanted to be special; i had a dream about jon last night. i was at his house or maybe lucas's, maybe there was a party, and i asked him if he wanted to get high. he smiled at me and moved close to me to put his hand in the small of my back the way boys do when they are acting possessive. the way boys do with girls they are 'with.' i want to be with someone. this day, 040827 was the day that my loneliness became unbearable again. i could have died that day and felt nothing. i wanted to die that day so i could feel nothing. i have a way of burning these dates indelibly into my mind. the days where i terminally tumble back into my depression where it is an ever-deepening hole in the ground. i have been sad today thinking about that dream of jon. knowing that it will never be anything more than a dream because they never are. they never materialize into reality the way i want them to. i'm not his type. i've seen his type. i've seen him all over his type; that are nothing like me. i'm not sure why i like him as much as i do. i usually smother any semblance of a crush i may get over boys like him, realizing instantaneously the impossibility of it. me with him; and a derisive little snort escapes me. yeah right. and i move on with my life, walking alone from the bus stop to my front door, sometimes from the drugstore to my front door. for some reason, i had no instantaneous realization with jon. i'm convinced it's partially the karma of the name jon. that and he is the most coveted boy at school. that also being odd, since i usually don't have an eye for the standardly pleasing boys. jon really has nothing directly to do with this day. but this day was the day that plunged me back into the circle_of_addiction and he was the first person willing to help me get back there. cheesecake. most definitely cheesecake. my life in the past two months is undeniably traced back to this day. the day my life vacated my eyes; dull, numb. i think i noticed so profoundly because it truly had been a long time since the last time i felt this way. loving heartbreak is different from desparate heartbreak. my ghosts of him no longer sustainable. and now it has finally sunk in: i AM alone once again. i went to my favorite thai food restaurant on this day; i'm friends with the waiter ian there and he seemed taken aback by my vacant expression but it was a friday night and the place was way too busy for him to sit down and talk to me. i ordered my food one notch spicier than i usually do; the level that borders on painful. my lips got chili paste numb and then started to burn; my beef yum nau just enough pain to hold me over til i could go get my tattoo the next day. new_ink i have a vivid memory of this day 041023 what's it to you? who go blather from