things_you_don't_know_about_me bespeckled I get jealous. I can't pretend we're just friends. My heart is opening up to you, but I don't want it to. You make me sad. 020823 ... bespeckled If I allow myself to, I will fall into infatuation. And so will you. But you'll rise, unscathed, unaffected, and walk away. I will sit, curled up, stuck inside the walls of love I created. It's not as easy for me to get up and leave, and forget. A heart that falls is indeed a curse. 020824 ... silentbob i talk shit. constantly. 020824 ... josie and what if you're talking shit right now? how are we supposed to know whether or not you're telling the truth? 020825 ... kerry i hate a lot of people for no real reason i try not to be a jealous girl but can't help it i fall in love with junkies i'm in love with you yes, you 020825 ... bespeckled I am a hypocrite (decided upon by reading above) that's something I didn't know about me, so i doubt you would 020826 ... Sonya I've been terrified of getting mugged, Wedsnesday evenings during the spring semester as I'd walk down First St. after dark. I never really told you. I'm a part time insomniac, and a part time oversleeper. I'm a full time dreamer however. I've walked by people peeing on the sidewalk in broad daylight and pretended I was simply mad and imagined them. I've destroyed two curly telephone cords from fidgeting too much. One of my simple little pleasures is dipping my toes into warm sand and wiggling them only when no one's around. I enjoy the clicking of a nailclipper. I once named a dustbunny under my bed after a boyfriend. I derive more pleasure from a chocolate truffle than I do from massage sandals. 020826 ... daxle I think blather either does know or could know just about anything about me. Granted, I started keeping a lot of things in my life hidden considering who might be reading my blathes, but that stuff isn't really 'about me'. You might not know that I have a horrendous memory. You might not know that dairy gives me tummy aches. You might not know that the first not kids album I ever got was janet jackson's "control". Nothing important. 020826 ... Freak I'm jealous. My fear of rejection has kept me from things. I hate not being the best at things. I'm easily amused. I instigate sex when I'm bored. Ihave trouble consentrating. I always secretly wished to be partof the "in" crowd. I hold grudges. I overindulge in things I like ex: sex, candy, cigarettes... I suffer from anxiety. I'm two faced 020826 ... sirflaccid i am in constant fear of failure i am jealous of my brother's sense of self-control eventhough I want, I don't "believe" I could ever have a person that will put up with me to most people I am fake i ALWAYS need something, someone, or someway to take my mind away from it all i am extremely naive i fall easily I like to play mind-games no matter what I will never be good enough i have been suicidal 020826 ... lily I want to die, but somehow it just doesn't happen. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell you how much you hurt me. I shed countless tears. I have doubts. 020826 ... guitar_freak i don't say what i really think 020908 ... only_tuesday@hotmail.com when the conversation gets dull i tend to improvise things 020909 ... jane i say what i mean - i don't lie the only time i would ever lie is to my parents, and it's for their own good sometimes i cry at night, and sometimes there's no reason to, except the overwhelming burden of the world's problems. my empathic nature allows me to literally feel people's pain. therefore, when my friend is crying, i will cry along. maybe that's why i cry at night 020909 ... Sintina I can't get over you. 020911 ... jinx There isn't much-you know more about me than I do... 020911 ... nocturnal I am actually a 47 year-old man who is about 90 lbs. overweight and is strongly opposed to the common "daily shower" routine. I also enjoy the company of small boys, especially when they dance around while feeding me pork products. 020911 ... SuicidalAngel oh baby what a turn on! LoL 020912 ... piercedjenny Anything. I could spend all day talking to you, and somehow preconceived notions would shine through. I'll never get you to understand that as confused as I seem, I know myself very well. 020913 ... belly fire That I hate myself when I'm with you because I'm not near as good as you believe me to be. 020913 ... psychobabe hmmmmm so much to say. So little patience. I'm a Clinicaly depressed, anxiety paranoid chick I LOVE johnny the homicidal maniac I have my eyebrow pierced I have black hair I plan to get DeVi tattooed on me I plan to get my tounge pierced I cant sleep sometimes, yet others thats all i want to do to escape. I'm a very deep thinker I'm a very very deep feeler I have diabetes I rolled my first car...*cries* I have another car now I've been sent away I've tried suicide I take effexor Xr My mind is so huge and full of puzzlement that i get lost I except the fact that i will never meet someone who wont judge others I'm 16 *currently* I'm 5'6" My nicknames KaT I smoke. Not an alcoholic, druggie or that stuff, never have been either I like the darker things in life *shrugs* dunno what else...thats mainly it 021003 ... blamethesky that i'm wearing motherfucking dinosaur underwear. ok. maybe it's not a secret because a friend of mine told the whole venue tonight. but you didn't know. 021004 ... me i think i just might be too happy with life to be here but i think what you guys write is beautiful and i'm trying not to obsess about it. isn't that horrible sounding somehow? you guys are wonderful. though i'm sure you know it. 021005 ... bijou i have collapsible ankles. sure, that's the proper medical term for it. 021007 ... jane "me" is wonderful too which is not shameless_self_promotion 021007 ... SuicidalAngel I smoke I smoke a lot of weed I have tryed shrooms, coke, crank, glass, meth, X, Opium and various over the counter uppers and downers. I however am not a druggie I often make friends I dont like I often meet the friends I do like, through the friends I already have I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend I am currently jobless I like hot tea I hate cold tea My drink of choice is water I'm lactos intollerant I'm diabetic I'm 19 (currently) - (20 on Nov. 19th) currently living with my grandmother again I like brand names I hate brandnames I hate fake people I like bitchy people oddly enough - if they're nice to me I'm at the library I love children I love animals I do not have a favorite color, food or animal I drive a blue grand am I am completly different in blather, than I am around friends I am outgoing around new people I am not afraid to speak in public I analize too much I am easily amused I have a good sence of humor I love to laugh I am too friendly I let people use me I am always up for a party I am always up for movie night I'm patient I have a horribly temper I am a scorpio my chinese symbol is the dog I like deep conversations I'm secretly a hopeless romantic I'm street smart I cannot cook without directions I cannot swim I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue my tongue is peirced I have no tattoos I have endless amounts of useless information 021008 ... psychobabe woo hoo for the diabetics! 021008 ... belly fire that I've never had nor been someone's Valentine 021015 ... angie I like burnt tongue...like when it gets burnt from hot coffee or soup...mmmmm.... 021016 ... Fido I have a stumpy tail. 030709 ... no reason i hate the fact that you're leaving i'm not happy. 030709 ... megan i think about you at least once a minute every day and people tell me i'm not obsessed with you because i don't talk about you. you're like my little secret, you always end up being there when no one else is (which makes it easier i suppose) if only they could see your beauty hey, wait, come here again kiss me one more time 030709 ... guitar_freak I love george W!!! 030714 ... guitar_freak i am a compulsive liar :) 030714 ... gothic i am not a sissy girl- i allow myself to be feminine around you. i have an evil streak. i know how to toy with feelings and i have done it sometimes, just for the pleasure of feeling the power i have. i enjoy the notion of being rough quite a bit. (blather is such freedom) 030715 ... two the reason i'm so worried over seeing you is not because i'm worried about being around you it's not because i don't want to see you it's not because i think i'll be bored it's not because i dislike you it's not because of anything having to do with the time that we're together the reason is...i'm afraid of how i'll feel after we part. i'm afraid of how i'll feel when i'm back home. i'm afraid of how much deeper i might fall how close to the bottom i'll fall or if i'll find out there is no bottom that i am in an endless free fall that notion scares me that's why i'm so nervous. i wish there was a way to show you this, to make you understand but it would come out wrong. oh, and i always look forward to being sick, because i love the flavor of cherry luden's coughdrops. [ even though almost always, when i am sick, we never have any...sigh ] 030715 ... inanna i honestly don't care what you think but i can pretend 030715 ... guitar_freak I like to shoot shit when I'm pissed. I'm either psycho-hyper or pretty depressed. I know how to fit into the rich-bitch mould. I like to color pictures made for 3yr olds. I can't articulate what I think. I don't remember anything important. I always feel like something is missing. I wake up crying a lot. I want to live in the desert in a shack. I have times when I can't sleep for days 031130 ... kali i lied a few times, myself. when you said you were a horrible girlfriend i always secretly agreed. 031130 ... little joe I seem to cry alot, more now I fear many things like failure I used to be a passionate person I also used to be shy I dream of making the world a better place, but I am not sure that I can I think my friends all think that I am stronger then I really am I get lonely and I like to lie out in the middle of nowhere and just watch the stars 031201 ... Lily I am scared of spiders I am vegetarian I am 16 I have never had a boyfriend I don't want a boyfriend I cannot speak in public I have never been kissed I am scared of failure I want to be a pediatrician I sometimes cry myself to sleep I have never done drugs A lot of my friends i dont like I am a pisces I weigh 120 pounds I am not confident with myself I am scared to let people know who i really am I suck at all sports I am too nice sometimes I am the shyest person i know I don't give myself enough credit I don't like going to church I still have a 'comfort object' I am scared of people i know and love die I am torn between two guys I know which one i want, but won't admit it I hate my body I hate my personality I wish i was somebody else I have never cheated on a test My worst subject right now is chemistry I just don't understand it I have never recieved "the talk" I have never told somebody else's secret they told me I can't stop procrastinating I think things through too much I lie to people i love I have glasses but don't wear them I don't let others know what i am feeling I like to be alone and just think 040104 ... Fido I love to eat celery with peanut butter on it I generally like to eat anything with peanut butter on it I think political parties are for the dogs I think we should all be more worried about where things go when we throw them away Mostly things that explode I read the newspaper every day but after wish I had just peed on it instead I'll swim to New Jersey, but only if I have to I suck at occupying space I wonder if on some other planet English is spelled phonetically I wonder if on that planet it's still because of the phoenecians I wonder what the phoenecians did when they weren't spawning writing systems I enjoy a good game of Nine Men's Morris I think thinking is hard work I think I'm lazy I hope nobody makes that connection I wish I had a lot of film I is a unique word in our language I could be l depending on the context I could always go for a cup of tea I can't stand lists I Can't stand pauses like that I am a big fat doodoo head. It's true. My brother said so. I think TV news is annoying I think that's why I sold me TV back to Television And said, "Here, take it. You're always hogging it anyway." I was once nearly run over by Susan Surandon. I think she's a big fat doodoo head. I like the metic system but can't stand those Europeans and their logic Matt said something about batteries and cows I wonder what that was... I think Poe is boring I think most things are boring if you have too much time. Or too little time. I'm hungry. A lot of people are hungry. This has gone on far too long. 040907 ... tessa i can burn 040907 ... user24 "just remember, everything you know could be a lie." 040908 ... somebody Dear Daxle, Please just listen. You don't know that everyday I learn a little more. That everyday I try to place what I learn into affect. You don't know that all I want to do is love everyone. I'm pretty sure you don't know who I am. Because if you really knew me you'd have noticed that I grew up from the person I was 5 or 6 months ago. You know the person you believed to have been offended by your words? I'm not that same person anymore. Sure I was offended by your words, but really who isn't? You've hurt people. And I think you know that. And I'm not going to try and understand why you do, and I'm not going to tell you not to. I am not you blather impersonator. I have not addressed you in a blathe since the two weeks that I was bothered by your words. Because like I said, I grew up. Moved on. I blathed for my own sake. My own words. Meaning my own thing. For myself. Which is eventually what I have decided that blather is to me. My decision to leave blather was based on the fact that I have documented too much pain, too much love and too many people in my life on those blue pages. I have given enough of my words to all those nights spent mesmorized. I move on to bigger things now. I may continue to read because I learn new things from most blatherskites but I will not write again. The person who I am needs to truly write for herself and cannot do so in the confines of those blue walls anymore. The reason I chose to say goodbye was because of a specific moment in my life I was choosing to remember. Like many of my blather pages, my words remind me. Help me to remember places and times where I learned very important things that I hope never to forget. For so many blatherskites this place is a haven for their hearts and the beauty, pain and all around intense emotions I have read here have made me fall in love with quite a few writers. I said goodbye to a part of myself with those words, and I said goodbye to people who I truly cherish. If you knew me, you would know that each day that I wake up is a gift. Another opportunity to learn. To teach. And most importantly to love. I've learned another thing today, that you helped remind me of. And I thank you for that. You reminded me that I don't like the person I was when I was offended by you. You reminded me and strengthened my courage to never go back to that place again. That place in my heart that was empty. So in one last goodbye. And please don't take this one away from me. I will miss giving to the blather pages a piece of my heart and soul. I will miss letting people into my mind and giving them a chance to wander. I will miss feeling a part of and connected to each and everyone's words. I will miss loving who all of you are. Take care of your hearts. I will love you always. I do promise that. Love, Megan Clark 040908 ... daxle I do hope that this is true, and you are not my impersonator. In this strange little world all I have are my speculations, no truth (in this strange big world too). I think you will find, over time, that blather can still hold a valuable place in your life. You have to admit, though, that we're a bunch of dramatic people and we have a penchant for over doing the exits and entrances. Personally, I don't seal off eras of my life. In the giant woven chain of cause and effect nothing truly ever ends. My instinct is to trust you on this and I hope that I am right. 040909 ... somebody Your trust is rightly given. Thanks. And thanks for the advice. 040909 ... x she isnt your impersonator, you know. i am. and i dont hate you, resent you or feel anything toward you, not even pity, although youre certainly worthy of it. (maybe a touch of amusement.) i dont dislike you. i mock you because i can. i do it because in these brief moments between things to do, im bored and thats one of blathers functions - relief of boredom. ask god, or bono or any number of blatherskites who engage in meaningless chatter. speaking of senseless chatterboxes, ask yourself. you had no other reason to say what you said to this girl. if you disliked her, she was leaving. if you didnt care what she had to say, you could have disregarded it. no, you were bored and so you said something for no other reason than to say something. to engage in meaningless, unproductive chatter you demeaned her goodbye. you were ripe to be impersonated simply because you are such a clumsy caricature of what you claim to disdain in that blathe and so many others. you bitch because people add ugliness to blather, what did you do there? you added ugliness to blather. you bitch because people waste time saying goodbye. what did you do? you wasted time there saying good riddance. yes, youve been ripe to be impersonated, and of course, the funny thing is, youll lash out at me with your ego because its so in control of your actions that you couldnt stop it if you wanted to. youll lash out, or take the cool, logical approach and ill just laugh, because im bored and im looking for something to waste a little time on, and youre as qualified a waste of time as any around this place. 040910 ... daxle one more thing - i find your penchant for scattering just enough knowledge to appear insightful and knowledgable as amusing as watching kittens get their little claws caught in balls of yarn. you have a little bit of everything in that bag of yours and you know how to spread it for just the right effect. i can think of few things funnier than you crying out with indignation that you "are not a liar!" your entire persona is a lie, and you know it. it doesnt take a psychology major, (which i almost was) to see that there is someone behind this facade you present for the world, someone whose essence is antithetical to every word that comes out of your mouth. it is that reality, which of course you would never admit to publicly, which makes you such an amusing after hours toy. you think i dont see the invisible girl hiding in the shadows, but shes precisely what i see and so your act goes from being convincing, to being comical. thanks for the laughs 040910 ... Evil Parallel Bono I'm usually naked, and i like to juggle flaming objects 040910 ... no reason impersonator, you lash out on people when you're bored? damn. it's a good thing you were only almost a psychology major. go ride a bike or something. 040912 ... tessa you think you know me you all think you know me so well maybe you're right i wouldn't know 040912 ... cpgurrl i am nothing like allyson. even she doesn't know that. i told her, but she won't believe me. it is what might have made us the same that made us different. she doesn't get that having the same problems isn't what make you the same; it's how you deal that makes you different. 040912 ... cpgs personal grammaer check *makes 040912 ... blather spell check - name version grammar 040913 ... Bespeckled I am beginning to suspect I lack the ability to truly fall in love 100%. This makes me simultaneously very sad, because I want so much to allow myself to be completely, utterly in love; and a little relieved, because it means that I will get over you quickly once we're through (whoever "you" may be). I wonder if this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope not. I would truly love to experience love to its fullest, and even to experience heartbreak. 041229 ... Mister Funkadelic I like licking the back of ladies necks. I've said it and I'm not taking it back. 041230 ... unhinged just look around these pages baby all tiny little things you don't know about me; you could put them all to good use if you ever learned how to pay attention. if you ever cared enough to. 041230 ... monee what else can i say? 041230 ... monee there's already too_much of me in blather 041230 ... now_now I am the warden of my dreams. My soul is trapped in this finite body [rattling the cage] I can feel it inside writhing creativity helps painting playing singing reading soothes I may never have the skill to release it my personal captive [read: slave] forever bound unwitting inspiration stubborn and frustrated with me the slow pupil of the infinite & each night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling I feel it ripple beneath the skin [the limitless soul] scheming planning a life bigger than the one I'm currently living Will we ever reconcile? 080304 ... raze my chest is full of rocks. i don't like wearing socks. i didn't mean to rhyme. we're running out of … juice. 140902 ... unhinged i was afraid, but it seems as if my intuition was right yet again. which i guess means you werent the one for me, but the nameless thing we did have was worth holding onto for me. thats why almost four months later i am still hurt and sad, still miss you. but the things i tried to show you towards the end, you judged and pointed your finger and scowled and said that wasnt what you wanted (as if we have the ability to choose the way other people live love and learn). i tried to focus on the good things cause that seemed to be the way you lived. (i have since realized you didnt focus on the good things as much as denied and buried the bad things). but reality always has a way of seeping through. i am serious and emotional because i suffer from depression. not sadness, depression. my mind and body twist themselves into a dark gloomy knot. it is not reasonable. it is not rational. but it is. it is the way my chemistry works. i am serious about love, life, religion, work. passionate might even be the word for it. once i commit to something, even the apocolypse couldnt tear me away. i have been sexually abused. several times, in several places, by several men. my overarching sentiment of men is one of distrust and disgust. i am more than a hole for men to stick it in but it seems like most of them never reach that far with me, or even care to. when it comes to something beyond that, that is usually when i hear the 'i think of you as a good friend' speech. this undeniable pattern, your place in it, has shattered any hope of this ever changing for me. (maybe i am closer to truly being with a woman. maybe my experience with women has been similar. maybe i should resign myself to the life of a spinster). i have mostly only had relationships with addicts. this has only solidified my problems with abandonment. i am learning how to assert myself. i am more likely to say what i am really feeling instead of swallowing it all and letting people think i am ok. there is a deep hole in my heart where trust used to be. 140902 ... leif I miss my ex husband almost daily. And I don't always know what it is that I'm specifically missing. I'll just be walking, or sitting, or doing the things that I'm doing, and I'll think to myself, "I miss Dustin." I miss him. 140921 ... epitome of incomprehensibility For a given value of "you"? My main goal is to be a writer. I'm happy teaching, but I don't want to be stuck with only this tutoring job. I think I'm scared to apply for more things right now because it'll be stressful. That's not a great reason, but maybe the reason is also that I want to finish a writing project, and I can't do everything at once. I said I could tutor a grade 10 math student in algebra in a class that was scheduled a few hours later - and then scrambled to relearn quadratic functions. 140922 ... raze it's taken me this long to notice that daxle's impersonator (see daxle_remains_unconcerned on blue for context) lumped me in with the "meaningless chatter" they felt constituted one of the main functions of blather in 2004. see, way back in 2001, one of my silly pseudonyms was "bono in lingerie". i was never, however, the evil parallel universe bono. i've always suspected that was birdmad incognito. anyway. here's a curtsy, seventeen years after the fact, in the name of love. 210916 what's it to you? who go blather from