miscarriage Birdmad (wingedSerpent) from the things i've read at blather_confessional father confessional's words to sirflaccid abou that haunting feeling. too true. sometimes, in your head you start to project little things. If it hadn't been for those twists of fate, i'd be the father of a child who'd be turning twelve in june. Though it was not my body carrying the child (for the obvious reason that i am not a woman), though neither of us knew she was even pregnant until the doctor asnnounced that she had lost the baby (still fairly early in the first trimester) the reality that my life had jumped the tracks twice in the same moment, i had become, and un-become a father in the same breath. I've argued a few times that even though i was young (18 at the time, i'm 31 now), and not entirely in the midst of many bright decisions at the time, i had a more mature perspective on what i wanted to do and where i wnated my life to go. Back then, i actually wanted to have children. Now, i've had enough with helping raise my scattering of neices and nephews that i might make a good uncle and "big brother" figure, but i am sometimes more child now then when i was young. There are days when i am haunted by the ghosts of that other life i might be leading, sometimes in ideal terms, sometimes in relatively real ones, and sometimes in worst-case scenarios travels down roads not taken because they were never built 030318 ... Lilac If it wasn't realized from reading the blather_confessional I was the one pregnant with sirflaccids child. It's still hard to deal with. I was pregnant almost 3 months but no matter what I did and even though I was always hungry and my body had changed it was always so unreal to me. Not until I had miscarried and I felt the pang of loss was it real to me. Not to be saying the feelings of the potential father aren't important, but being the one that lived with a life growing inside you and feeling the changes your body is going through for that life then to be bleeding heavily passing blot clots, tissue, and even the small sac that contained your child (sorry to be so explicit) has to be a million times harder to go through then to be the observer even though that kid is part of you also. It made me feel really alone because no matter how much sympathy someone might have they still weren't the one that was going through it. They were always just an observer that felt sorry for me. 030318 ... Birdmad Lilac, I wasn't discounting your feelings. You're right, that is something that can never be understood by someone who will never have to physically endure it. it was a simple agreement with whoever was offering the advice. Worst part for us was that it was a hit-and-run driver that triggered her miscarriage. 030318 ... Lilac just for the record: I wasn't trying to get sympathy or say what about me or that I shoud be consoled more than he should or anything close to that. I was just putting in my 2 cents where I probably shouldn't have like usual. 030318 ... wingedSerpent no apologies necessary, Lilac if anything i think maybe it was my own 2 cents that could have been done without. 030318 ... ungreat A shock of a red and a realization in my heart that my immediate dreams had been dashed. No one tells you how physically painful it is. The doctors all seem to assume that I should know what happens next and that I should have known what to expect. There was the look in my husbands face of fear, sadness, heartbreak, and that look where he knows he has no control over anything that happens, just total helplessness. The touch of his hand trying to do something to comfort me. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. I was scared, cold, and at times, in excruciating pain, surrounded by strangers, who at best were indifferent. I just wish it had been a bad dream. 120309 what's it to you? who go blather from