slightly_disturbing_poetic_niceties
unhinged why is it that everytime i say something it's turned into 'useless flattery' by the people i have to tell it to? slightly disturbing...okay good; maybe they served their purpose. poetic...since most of it was poetry i'm glad he didn't miss the format. niceties...no no goddamnit NO. those are my feelings. they aren't something i say to you to make you feel good. (although maybe that was the secondary motive of sending them to you) i didn't say them in the first place to think 'hey, that would really make him feel good if i said that about him.' that's what my heart says to me before i go to sleep. most all of them have missed the fucking point.

see: addendum

i mean what i say goddamnit. that was not hidden at the risk of making you feel better or worse. it was said to get you to open your eyes to your own worth and your own life and how it affects others namely me. and everyday that passes my apathy increases. yeah, what is the fucking point anymore when for four years you never got what i was saying anyways?

i'm saying it because i mean it. i'm saying it because i feel it. i'm saying it because it's real to me. there is really nothing 'nice' about it.

y_town ; what a fucking cesspool of self_absorbed fucking worthless two bit whores intent in drowning in their own self_made misery. and the few friends i have left there trapped in it all makes me tired and sad for all of them.

it is really easy to say no to someone when you are eight hours away. 		031111
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smurfus rex happened to me too...I said my pieces poetically and otherwise for seven years (going on eight)...so far to no avail...and she says no from 10 hours away.

is it that they just don't hear, or that they *won't*? hm. 		031111
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unhinged well, i've found that the people that turn what i have to say to them into 'useless flattery' and 'slightly disturbing poetic niceties' do that because they don't have the capacity to understand how i feel about them. some of them admittedly so and some of them too macho and broken_hearted to believe that unconditional love exists. unconditional love is a conditioned response and if you aren't conditioned to it when you are young you will spend the rest of your life denying it.

it's not that they don't hear or won't hear; they can't HEAR. and many of them i've given up on. it's not my job anymore to try to rectify past wrongs when i hear songs about how they didn't want to learn what i wanted to teach them.

but my heroin_doll (and that is probably the phrase that disturbed him the most) i won't give up on. i was conditioned too well to the concept of unconditional love as a child. too well. 		031112
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Dafremen My biological mother was a heroin doll. She gave up on us when I was four. I met her when I was 28. She was still on heroin, but she wasn't a doll anymore. (Although she did take my daughter's doll and sell it at a yard sale one day.)

I feel sad for her these days. Not being in control of your addictions and the actions it spawns is very difficult. Then again, so is being hooked on a drug addict. Just ask my wife. She deserved better. I'm glad I was finally able to step up to the plate and give that to her. 		031112
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unhinged mmmm...the topic of drugs and addiction. hard, so hard now that i'm free. i'm glad we are both free now daf. you are right. everyone in our lives deserves better than that from us.

i left you a note over here ----} addendum 		031113
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
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