unhinged in far corners of my heart and mind
the ones that don't articulate themselves well
i could feel a deep rooted dissatisfaction
the kind that makes food tasteless
the kind that makes the mind unfocused, hazy
the kind that makes the gaping heart raw and aching
i cried unmitigated tears
my frustration had no object
but the vague tugging there was inside of me
that it wasn't good enough
my life
what i was doing with it
i wasn't doing something right

the more i tried to pinpoint it
the less i understood
the more petulant i felt
because the survival worries of my life had lessened
(bills no longer a problem
retail therapy no longer requiring a credit card)
the fucking existential_crisis had to enter the picture
if_only i had
what i couldn't even figure i out i didn't have
then, THEN the tugging would stop
had to figure it
had to make a plan
something to focus on

and_then the tugging turned to nagging
cause the insidious thought
that no matter what i planned
maybe there would always be a tugging of dissatisfaction
deep in me in the places i try to ignore
then my small buddha mind says
'just your ego; cut it out'
like the feeling when you are pulling weeds
and the roots finally let_go
unhinged (and also that creeping thought
if i had someone to share my life with
all of it
that at the very least, my heart could be healed)
unhinged he took my belt in his hands
unbuckled it
i said no
and he stopped

he stopped
REAListic optimIST unhinged, when I read your words, I get the feeling of someone who is capable of giving herself to someone fully - in spite of the deep pain you try so hard to understand and forget.

It is for this reason that I love you. Not in some creepy stalker way (I have found love in my life), but in a human way. I love that aspect of you because it is that capacity to be open in spite of potential pain that has deep meaning in my life.

Thank you for being supremely human.
unhinged you're welcome

the words i write and the actions i commit are two decidedly different things. i have a habit of being open and understanding with the wrong people. but i figure i have to stay open and understanding if i'm ever gonna find the right person. right?

sometimes being open and understanding means walking_away. i have learned to cut the people from my life that make me fester . that's not mean; being concerned for myself is not mean. i can't fix everyone as hard as i may want to try.

i think being truthful is the most important part of my personal ethics. something about being paddled when i lied when i was a kid.
unhinged (i will answer any question truthfully. it is just a matter of finding someone who cares enough to ask) 090406
REAListic optimIST I was the kid who would stay behind and face the music when all the other kids ran away after hitting a ball through a window or something. It just always seemed scarier to run. So, I appreciate and understand that tendancy.

Through my empathic experience, I have also learned to read people quite well, so the number of people whom I let get close enough to hurt me has shrunk considerably, although I hope to increase my skills so that the number can rise.

It is this skill and the fact that I have stayed in the same city for 10 years that has allowed me to amass a sizeable circle of good friends. I am quite lucky to have found love and to have good friends. I am also employed and making good money in this crazy economy, so I don't know how this turned into a thankfulness rant, but that is what i really feel in this moment.
what's it to you?
who go