internal_validity stork daddy he used to be really into being heroic, like a samurai. a lot of people didn't like to set rules for themselves, but being raised catholic he didn't have much of a choice. it was just a matter of choosing which type of rules. he wanted to live with a peaceful, unclouded mind. it was good to have a code to stick to. there was no real measure out there of what was right, except he saw certain types of lives tended to achieve certain types of things which might be nice. and yet he still didn't know why those things were better per se than other things achieved much more easily. and did his actions and the world's reactions have to match his viewpoint or should he change his viewpoint to match the world and what he really seemed, rather than what he should seem. it was all rather difficult. still, it was good to live in a way that was pure to him. at least if he lived how he thought he should live, he'd have some sort of internal validity. so he tried to be compassionate to all people, and he tried to let all of his secret sadness and lonliness go, an emptiness for others to inhabit, the energy of his body theirs to take. in his first romantic relationships he even thought he would only enter into them as a sort of bodhisattva, because they needed it, not for his own desires. it was a lie of course. and more lies followed, and so he had to either adjust his vision to be more complex, or abandon it all together. as a perfectionist he didn't like to adapt his ideals. so as he bumbled through life he left heroes behind like shed snake skin. but he still liked perfect things and clung to them when he could. his first true love, even when he knew he was out of love with her, he could not let go of. she finally dumped him and for days he pounded his fists in blind rage when no one was looking. but he held it all in. he even recovered. he found someone who could give him what he had thought he wanted then, but could not have had. and yet he found his faith in it all slipping, as one who has lost something without being able to admit that there was no perfection in their actions, must inevitably. he found himself doing things he never could've imagined himself doing years before. it was hard to imagine himself with a white picket fence and a family now. and yet he knew those things were inevitable. people need love because they're bored and lonely, and it seems to help for a time, but then they need kids, because they need that complete dependance to seem complete. and so humanity is pushed forth. his new relationship made his first one seem true in some way, as when someone actually expected what he promised it seemed he could not deliver. he liked it when another person let him take the heroic way out. and yet, now it didn't seem to him he even cared that much. his cheatings on her were not even beautiful, which was his last stand in many respects. they were often too timid or too aggressive, they did not show him as a sensitive lover, or as an innocent aesthete. he felt as if the people he had come into contact with lately did not really know the real him, he had not shown them well enough how he could be. but then again maybe this was who he was now. he had slid there as the rules seemed more and more arbitrary, untill even what was right was based on the market corrections of the people you wanted things from. and yet he did still have guilt. guilt and gratification both go a long way in keeping you feeling alive. it makes your actions feel relevant to have guilt over them, and it keeps you doing them if they feel good at first. he had thrown out the good things he had known in many cases, because he was not strong enough to ignore the imperfections. it pained him in some ways that he was still surrounded by so many of the people he had tried to be better than, stronger than, more pure than, who now seemed infinitely more beautiful, more wise. who now seemed as if they had known all along what came of people like him. 040221 ... stork daddy without being able to admit there's culpability is a better line 040221 ... (z) - 040812 ... doar . 040813 what's it to you? who go blather from