love_letter birdmad de bergerac i've been wanting to write one to someone but of late i've not found a good audience for what i have in mind the only ones i could write one to would rather hear it from someone else, so, in essence, i can't really something neither too brief nor too lengthy neither too erotic nor too coy something that would make the reader feel that sensation that cannot be described in single nondescript words, but only in breathless superlatives i want to write a love letter but i daily grow more convinced that i was never meant to 010222 ... silentbob Dear ____________ i know it's so unlike me to express anything written (ha...ha) but i'm afraid of your averted eyes that i so often avoid forcing eye contact with. i'm sick and tired and wishing your response would be something positive for my immediate goals and so i cannot tell you this to your face. I feel like you're avoiding me. I feel like you don't value our friendship enough to try to ignore the obvious. that's what scars me the most. it isnt the fact that you obviously don't share my desires, but that you want nothing to do with me because of them. and you fucking better know i could do much worse than you. you're absolutely wonderful. i think you're perfectly perfect for me in every way, and it just makes me squirm with joy when i see you giving puzzled looks, laughing at smoething i say, or singing along with me to one of my favorite songs that i showed you, that you know beacuse of me. but i'm absolutely infatuated with you because you're just the greatest girl ever. do you even know how beautiful your eyes are? so i'm going to buzz off now and hope you don't hate me too much for killing our friendship by wanting to take it to the next plateau. Later. 010222 ... silentbob dear ___________ i'm so sick of not being able to tell you this. Sick in my head, in my heart, in my stomach. it burns when i think about you. every time i see your face in my mind i feel like sobbing. you mean everything to me, and i really shouldn't have let that happen because that is the end of our friendship. not for hatred. but for love. you're absolutely the most wonderful person i've ever met. everything about you makes me shine. while i wish to hold you, i don't want to say Love unless it's returned. i'm so used to being hurt, and i'm so sure you don't feel the same as me, that i'm almost willing to destroy myself if it would save our friendship. how's that for companionship? i hate everything about this. i hate the way i act, i hate the way you look at me, how it almost seems you're uncomfortable around me... i wish i could show you the joy you have brought me... maybe that would convince you i'm worth giving a chance i wish you could read this and then you'd know, you'd know you mean the world to me. and i hate myself for it. 010225 ... blue star Hey girly. I need to tell you that I love you. Because if I die, or if you die, and you never knew, then that would be wrong. So very wrong. Because the love I have for you is not something affected by the little tiny bit of flab on your belly. I could care less how big your biceps are, although I won't say I don't like them. You are beautiful to me. You, not just the you that everyone sees when you walk down the halls at school. You. I wish you'd understand. I wish you'd go deeper into yourself, and find out what you really want. Because I don't think you wanted that girl at the club whose hipbones you could feel when you were dancing with her. And I don't think you wanted that girl with too much eyeliner. Atleast I hope not. Am I deluding myself? Are you as wonderful as I think you are? Of course you are. I don't just think this, I know this. You are beautiful. My heart settles for nothing less. 010225 ... stupidpunkgirl to: someone i have yet to meet, i wish i could say how much i love you...but since i don't know who you are or anything about you...i will just wait. i don't really like to wait, but it seems like that it is my only choice. but once i do meet you...i'm sure you'll be wonderful, and i will be able to write you a letter telling you exactly how wonderful you are...except i'll be able to put your name at the top. 010225 ... silentbob Dear ____________ Would it have killed you to have written me? 010225 ... moonshine Dear I'll always love you in the ways we shared the days we spent in distance. So far apart are our convictions,yet so close in orbit. It wasn't the characteristics but the comfort in your hands. I didn't want to hurt you. I really, really didn't, but you can't hold a boiling pot of water. 010227 ... jennifer I don't keep much stuff around I value my portability but I will say that I have saved every letter you ever wrote to me the one you left on my windsheild outside of that little motel is in the pocket of my old gigbag from back when life was more soft shelled letters littered with little lewd pictures drawn by the ghost of Woddy Guthrie who would use your big thick hand just to draw one two for me and I think of your letters as love letters which is how I think of songs in that it is the writing of them that tend to carry us along ~ani difranco 010227 ... birdmad dear_____ Time has come and gone between us. You are where you are and i am where i am and there aren't words to describe how much i wish that your "there" and my "here" were one and the same. It used to be fun to count the minutes knowing that each as each one passed, it brought us that much closer together but now they pile up in snowdrifts around my heart knowing that they have become a timeline reaching ever outward to gauge the time we've spent apart. It wasn't always like this. I remember the way your pulse would quicken sometimes when i touched you the rose tint that would show faint on your skin and the fever rush that would overtake my own. Even more than your outward beauty there was a sweetness about you i can never speak adequate words to describe and it holds me spellbound even now. yours truly 010227 ... fallen :: a mere glimpse into one of the many reasons why i am fallen.....just a snippet of how i became flawed....i wrote this quite a few months ago....the relationship has expired...as relationships seem to do....but see....we were together for four VERY intense years...the mourning is past and it makes me smile now to remember the beauty that inspired these words.....such a shame that the beauty i saw.....that sparkling light....was a mirage....just another boogeyman to haunt me:: I have saved your letter titled "rambling rose" and I read it at least once a week.....it suddenly dawned on me earlier that I never truly responded to it. And I still have no response. The letter touched me in many ways, stirring half forgotten emotions in me, subtle imagery tickling me innermost thoughts....and yet I have no response, parts of the letter puzzled me to no end and the reason I have been puzzled is because I understand it, I 'get it' and there is no logical reason for it. cornfields? dim hallway? what is all this? why do I find it familar? Each time I read this particular letter of yours I feel myself falling in love with you all over again....and yes it is a falling, always a falling, a none too gentle falling at that and yet I always land gazing at the stars on the safe cool grass.....I read the letter and I feel myself loosing you, I feel myself loosing you in painful rips....You are a part of me, we are undeniably bonded and I want to explore this, I want to take it apart and kiss every part of it as I lovingly place each piece back where it belongs....I do not know how to do these things... tell me, where can I find the key? I know that you have found your key but where is mine? When will I be able to unlock these mysteries? I close my eyes and can perfecftly see you blinking back at me. As I lay in bed in the early morning hours, quite far from sleep I can't help but whisper your name, I can't help but feel....::Sigh:: words fail me, it is so hard for me to vocalize my feelings, my emotions...it is exhausting for me to try to pull out the correct words to paint the picture I wish you to see...and yet I think you know... I can feel you standing at the palette with me and then gasping at the final rendering of 'it'. I want you to dance in my fire and relish in the resulting burns. I want to breathe you in and fall into you. And in the mean time here I am, on my side of the world...living out my life of drunken debauchery and the most delicious hedonism and still I want to come home to you when the party is over and the late night revelling ends...I want it to be you with open arms ready to soothe my wily thoughts and calm my racing heart..I want you to whisper to me the sweet lie of "yes, it will be o.k." and I want to know that it is.... 010302 ... silentbob Dear ______ i wonder where you are now, and if you're missing me I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing in a room near a truckstop on a highway somewhere. You are a radio. You are an open door. I am a faulty string of blue christmas lights. You swim through frequencies. You let that stranger in, as I'm blinking off and on and off again. 010303 ... truth It's been a long day coming, I'm helping it pass by loving you more, I'm no angle, Please don't think that I can't cry, can I fly? You can look around, I'm no angle. Can I live my life? It's my life in the palm of my hand. I'm tired of waiting for you and ..........my life. Give me more love or more disdain;/The torrid or frozen zone. if looking liking move, seek happy nights to happy days. teach or I shall forget to think. Lost in your words of passion. my words are lost, I always lost my words around you. A static shock a MIRAGE of light kicked me and made me fall. Hit a wall, bounced back like a ball. If this be nothing madness will keep me. 010416 ... florescent light Dear You, I will never forget the way you sent shivers down my spine with the careless brush of your hand against my arm. And the way you would run the back of your hand against my cheeck as you were driving. I was so nervous. I will never forget sunsets in Boston, and strawberry flavored cloves, and grass tickling down your shirt. I will never forget the lost look on your face at the train station, or the way I caressed your hair and told you it was okay. I will never forget the way you massaged my neck on the bus, and how my body ached when you stopped. I will never forget the morning we woke next to each other and languidly traced each others faces with our fingertips for hours. I will never forget the way you held my hand against your heart as I watched you fall asleep. I will never forget the change in your eyes when you fell in love. I will never forget the three of us cuddled up together and the way she kept grabbing your hand but you kept reaching for mine instead. I will never forget... -me 010416 ... silentbob dear ______ You know you hurt me desperately. You know the only thing you had to do to keep me from being too upset was stay away from things that hurt you. but you burned yourself, your burned your angel wings. i tried to stay away so i wouldn't feel the blaze on my face, but my eyebrows got charred years before. You know now why i seethe, why that fire should not have been stepped in, so i can let it go now. but i don't think i could ever stop hating the fire. at least you and me are ok. 010828 ... alk3! at least we're still friends at least we're still alive 010828 ... Photophobe I was so happy. I was focused and on track; a new job and the end of a potion of my life. A great girl who loved me back. And then you came along. I'm at the staff christmas party. First thing I know you've got your tounge in my ear. I'm thinking, who the hell is this slut? You knew I was happy as I was. I made it blatantly obvious. I didn't hint, I didn't flirt, and I told all your friends that I was in love with my girl. But she was on holidays in Denmark for 4 months. So you persisted. And persisted. I pick up the phone. 'Are you busy? 'Not really. Why? 'Well I found a wallet today, with a whole bunch of cash in it. ALArM XXXALERTkkk ALERT 'Did you return it? 'Na, I took the cash and dumped the wallet in a bin. Qualm central in Blake's mind. Why is she stealing wallets? '...oh. 'So I thought I'd treat you to dinner. '...so you got this money and you want to spend it on dinner for me? Why? 'come on, pleeeeese? It'll be REALLY nice, I promise! '...I don't know. 'Why not? '.......................fine. So you took me out to dinner, against my better judgement. It was nice. Awkward, and a tacky choice of venue, but I guess I had fun. I had pizza. Why do I remember that? Next thing I know I'm inviting you to my party. And we finish work one night, and I'm lying on the couch and you're sitting by my head. And already its so wrong. Already I'm having trouble remembering Susan. And then you clinched it: 'Would you shoot me in the head if I kissed you? The longest couple of seconds imaginable. '.................I don't have a gun. And then, at my party, we both got a little drunk. And you got VERY drunk. You know I was a virgin, and you knew that I didn't want to; that I wasn't ready. But you raped me. you made me. I said no so many times, but you dragged me into my room, away from all my watching friends, who knew that I didn't want to, but were helpless. And you made me. I could have overpowered you. But I was confused and I liked you and you had this power over me, and I was drunk and it happened so fast. But you knew I didn't want to and you heard me say no. You bitch. How very fucking romantic. And you got kicked out of home that night to. So what could I say? 'You can stay till my parents get back from their holiday, I guess. But my parents get back, and you won't leave. You don't have anywhere to go, but still... you had a job, you had friends. Instead you start an argument with me and my parents that gets me kicked out of home long after you're gone and done with me. So you live with me for 2 1/2 delusional months. And I catch you cheating on me, but I'm too smitten to care. I get angry, but then its all ok. And then, you leave me. Just like that. For your Ex-boyfriend. Just like that. You don't tell me straight up, of course, no. you fuck around with my feelings for 2 weeks, then say you need to be single. Of course you went back to himm, you say. You were at school with him, how could you not get back with him, what with him in the class. I don't have a response to that one. Nothing suffices. You don't call me, except once. You invite me to go to a party with you. And I'm not over you yet, so I agree. We get there, you run off, and get with your best friend's boyfriend. You whore. And thats the last I see of you for 2 years. 010829 ... Photophobe You join my band. You're doing keyboards and its working quite well. So one night the four of us go out for drinks, and you and I get a little too pissed. I'm sitting there looking into your eyes, thinking that you hurt me so much. But somehow, I give in. It was an effort. I thought you'd changed, though; thought you wouldn't fuck with my heart again. I should have noticed how quick you were to leave the guy you were living with to be with me. So we sleep together for a while. And then you clinch it; you make me talk to you. I never stopped loving you, so I couldn't say no. I should have, and I knew it. I KNEW you'd hurt me and I was determined to remember it, so I didn't let my guard down. But we all let our guard down eventually. You wore it down until all of a sudden I couldn't be whole without you, and I wanted you to look at me. And I understood you more than anyone. I tried to help you. I encouraged you to start study again, and did my best to make you get through your preforming arts course. All you had to do was turn up. Its not hard. But I helped you with that, as much as one can. Nobody can call every morning to make sure you're not still in bed though. But your self destructive streak came out again. And you dropped out. Not my fault. I know that. everyone tells me that. I tried to keep you in brent st, but failed. But it wasn't my fault. I can't go for you. And then you turn around and tell me I don't understand you. You blame me for dropping out. You actually told me that you think your failure was my fault. I've never been so insulted. Fuck you. You'd ring up crying every time you did something stupid. And I couldn't bring myself to say "Its ok, its not your fault." Not when you were blaming me. And not when it so clearly WAS your fault. You needed a wake up. But you wouldn't listen to anybody. You'd just spread the blame around. You blame all the drugs at newtown for not finishing school. YEah, but YOU were the one to put them in your mouth so really its your fault. I blame my guitar for not playing better songs. And then, even after all my love, and all your promises that you loved me, you left me. again. Why? Because you needed to be single. Sound farmilliar? Fuck you. Because it was my fault that you dropped out. Because its my fault that you can't even get up in the morning without help. But you still love me, you say. No. Maybe you never loved me. Maybe having someone like me worshiping you just felt good. Maybe you just needed another person to blame. And I was the only target, because I was inseperable from you while you were failing. So I try to get over you. You never really do, you just learn to deal with it. And you get upset that I try live my own life. Its not enough to devesate me twice; you have to make sure I'm never happy again. Well, guess what? I'm living my own life. I rarely think of you. I don't want to call you, because I don't want to waste my time. I can't be your friend, because you lie constantly, and I expect honesty from my friends. So fuck you. You stole my heart and my life for an intense year, all up. You threw me out like trash, waited till I was happy and then built me up again. SO that you could blame me. Our relationship was your scapegoat. I was your recoveryboy, and your lover and the biggest fool. I'm confident that my life would have been, on average, much happier without your contribution. You just make me bitter and cynical about love. Fuck you. I love you, Josie. 010902 ... Photophobe_burning ...I was pretty angry a couple of months back. Shit, eh? Wish I wasn't like that, but I was. 011104 ... birdmad it happens 011105 ... josie i'm very fucking afraid. i was fucking afraid of losing you and losing me. i'm sorry i'm so selfish. i hate myslef for falling in love with you. As much as i love you with everything now, i wish that i could die of conciousness... becuase it seems as though i can't really see what's goin on anyway.. just put me in that little black box i call home and leave me to nothing but my guilt. becuase that's how i should die. lonely and sorry without you. 011112 ... fuck you fuck you. i love you so fucking much and you don't even give a damn about me. you say you do, but really, you just don't want to hurt me. you fucking bastard, i hate how you crept into my life. i hate how you won't go away. i hate everything. i want you to disappear. i'm at your fucking feet. i'd do fucking anything for you. i fucking would. fuck you. you used to care, now you're just a sorry piece of fucking shit. but really, you're not even sorry. you belong in hell. 011113 ... silentbob Dead ______ I realize i should have said this a different time. and that it probbly means nothing to you now. but you still have a way of saying things that make me smile, and still make me think things that coudl be true, but you're so far away. you're so pretty. i still can't beleive you even talk to me. how dare you let me into your little world. you look like the kind of girl i could never get, like i don't deserve you. and people tell me thats not true. i can't beleive how pretty you are. part of me is hating myself for not kissing you while you were lying in my bed. the rest is glad i didn't mess up that pretty little morning. don't forget about the ladybug 011119 ... pralines&cream Dear one, I know it hurt so much for you. I'm sorry it had to happen. You're so much more a part of my heart now. Love me as i forever love you. Be my soul, be my heart, be my husband, be my true love. Love, me 011120 ... josie i love you blake 020612 ... Freak I was going to write you a love letter but I soon realized that it was going to be a harder task then I expected. That is until I realized I could sum it up into 8 words. I love you more than you can imagine. 020826 ... blossum Why don't you tell her you still feel the same? I think she has a right to know but who am I to tell you what to do? i'm only in love with you...well not so much now that I can see what you're doing to her. Or is there some sickening joy in deceiving her from the truth? Some deceitful pleasure gained from using someone else's blissful perceptions for your own benefit? Tainted love .. oohoohoooh..tainted love oohoohooh *fade out* 020827 ... blossum what you don't know won't hurt you 020828 ... nick cave and the bad seeds loveletter 020830 ... josie So I didn't put your love_letter on blather. I feel with all sincerity that perhaps i should have because it may have meant something else. But maybe it's better that way. In any case, i want you to know this. I read this page all too often and cry myself to sleep thinking about it. Reading this page i realise it makes me look bad, but i can make myself feel a lot worse. Especially now. I am my worst enemy, and my best critique, my worst & best advisor and my own best friend. Logically, i should be happy. I am happy, on the outside. On the inside I'm in mourning for myself and for you. I once beared this personality I didn't understand, and a face i didn't recognise and that person left us in shreds. Reading what you've written I can't understand that she was even me but i accept that is and i'm sorry. I make myself feel more than you see in my words or my movement. This Josie goes deep enough to scar, deep enough to leave little flecks of light on parts thought to have remained darkened for years, & flecks of light marked on external reminders of who we were. It's all making me think things were never meant to be. I've erased everything in my life that reminds me of you but these flecks won't go away. Glistening feintly. My heart sinks into my chest again and I stay a little bit longer till the dizzyness subsides. Time goes on and doesn't stop for emotion. 020831 ... Cicero Dear _____, It is a mad world we live in. Things happen and people change for reasons only God knows. I suppose this is something I have to learn for myself. I have to learn that I can’t stop you from placing me in the past. The only thing I can do is place you there too. And if that means forgetting all the growing up we’ve done together, as you have, then so be it. You are the first person I’ve ever lost. Maybe this is why I’m so heartbroken and you’re not. You’ve lost friends before. All those people at your birthday party seemed like people who at one time were your closest friends. Now you rarely speak to them. I don’t know what it’s like to have relationships like that. ____ and I have been friends since kindergarten. When he moved away nothing changed. We didn’t grow apart. Your relationships have been different, which is why I think losing me is just another notch on the tree for you. I’ll always cherish the memories you’ve given me. Right now making Red Wind is the one that stands out in my mind. Do you remember that nervous kiss in front of the Mission Inn? It was my first kiss; and on the set of my first movie no less. I remember even farther back, to San Francisco and our little conversation in the backseat about relationships. I remember sitting in a big group later that night on the hotel bed and saying, “I don’t think anyone takes me seriously,” and your voice answering back, “I do.” Ever since that night I’ve felt a strong connection to you. But it’s been severed. And you are the past. With love and regret, ____ 030218 ... silentbob Dear ______ It's been a long time. Your face is different now. your name doesn't even sound the same. You're not who you are when i met you. You're a bright shining star in a tunnel of blackness, spiraling around so fast that i can see everything. Or maybe i'm mistaken and am actually blinded by the light you give off. I don't know if i want to be with you because i want to be loved, or if its because i love you. All i know is when i look at you, i see someone i feel like i could be happy waking up next to forever. Someone it wouldn't get old holding. Someone whose conversations would never die. Someone i could always have something to do with. Someone who amuses me to know end. Or maybe it's because you're such a happy person and the happiness i see in you reflects onto me. Your positivity is contagious. Like a yawn. Like a smile. you're warm by nature, and maybe that's what i'm attracted to. And how you laugh so genuinely at me. And your smile. how you smile when you see me. Maybe it IS becuase i want you to love me, but for no reason other than you being a lovely person, and i want to love you the way i feel you deserve to be loved. I don't want to be the spooky boy, knocking on your window. I don't want you to be with me out of pity. I want you to see in me what i see in you. i want you to realize the beauty and the chemistry that exists between us. and for the last time... i wasn't just laughing to be polite. 040208 ... silentbob Dear ______ I almost wrote you an email threatening the illusion of what i think we have. Then i thought better of it and didn't send it. 040209 ... silentbob Dear ______ I am having a hard time with this. What i thought you meant when i heard you say you liked it when i held you, was actually "please stay away from me" What i thought you meant when i heard you say, "I'm going to have to get used to this" was actually, "This has to stop." What i thought you meant when i heard you lower your voice and raise up your eye brows like you were nervous and intrigued, was nothing more than misunderstanding. or leading. or attempting. and failing. 040210 ... silentbob dear ______ its gotten to the point where it feels natural to kiss you hello. and i have to restrain myself. 040217 ... silentbob dear ______ Here's a list of all the things i loved about you last night: When you laid down next to me in a big comfy chair with a big comfy ottomen When you leaned over me to reach for a bottle opener When you linked arms with me whilst staring at the sky when you sat next to me in a booth in a bar When you rested your face on my arm and rubbed your nose on it and closed your eyes. When you continued to hold my hand, lose my hand, find my hand, hold my hand again and again all night When you, hazy eyed and exhausted, said "i shouldn't fall for you" as if you were physically fighting the feeling when you confusedly looked in my face and asked me how am i not so distraught, how am i so convenient and you leaned against me and you looked at my face, and we just sat there for several moments, just staring at each others face, reacting to the expressions. and it was like we both knew something someone else didn't. and it was like we wanted very badly to kiss each other. but we never did. How you said, "I shouldn't kiss you." and i said, "Why?" and i said, "Oh, yeah." and i smiled. knowingly. how it really truly felt like the onslaught of something really really really really really really good. 040307 ... silentbob dear ______ i told you i was looking forward to the "...unsure future?" and i hope it made you smile, and not frown 040308 ... unhinged you_failed_me and that was expected. the fond memories still make me cry. but thanks for that. a few small moments of relief. 040309 ... silentbob please come back to me 040318 ... mon everybody_love 040319 ... silentbob ______ i feel like i should be freaking out.. even out of habit... but im not 040319 ... who i am doesnt matter anymore I used to write love letters to you. every letter i sent was filled with love, even the one that ended what we had. sometimes i wish i could still write them to you. and if i wrote one, would you even write back? i cant believe how badly i want you with me some days. i dont know if this clining on to what we had means somthing, or if its just me wishing for my child hood back. i wish i knew how to call you, i wish i knew where to find you, just so i could find out for myself why your still in my mind, and why i still care so damn much. i still think sometimes that ill see your name on my buddy list and things would be like they where. u making me smile. i wonder if u ever think of me the way i think of you. do u have that urdge to talk again? write love letters again? or am i just a stupid bitch dreaming of somthing that will never happin again. maybe by now youve let me die inside of you and my name is fading away. the love letters lost and long forgoten. i still have yours, barried away in my closet under neith all my crap. and when i read them, i remember them word for word becasue thats how offten i used to read them. and for a second they bring me back to place that im starting to loose grip with. here i am in my world, my life, being who i am. offten wondering who you are again. love letters ... thats all i have left. 040719 ... paUL Dear _______ I love you, lets hook up. Love______ 040720 ... poop sweet 040730 ... sahba this page is tragic 040731 ... silentbob how i wish you were here 040731 ... the cure if only i'd known all the right words i wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you 040731 ... blue_star I've spent my whole life going from "love" to "love"... So willing to give my heart in secret and so freakishly frightened of sharing it. Maybe this is the same old thing--Maybe I'm in love with what I think you are, what I want you to be, or maybe I just love the planes of your face. Either way, this is the first time I can honestly say I want to know how it ends. 060329 ... baragn Dear Sir, I will have to ask you to refrain from the following: Displaying repetitive suggestive eyebrow movements Cooing and general music-making cross-legged alone on my floor Plucking ballads on your bass outside instead of knocking on my door Sending me away flustered and tongue-tied Dear sir, we'd have liked each other but I've decided to preclude the awkwardness and pain 060330 what's it to you? who go blather from