it_all_falls_apart_at_first_touch
birdmad attempts at confidence without any foundation on which to establish it and where there is more precedent for trepidation and doubt

every failure is a repudiation 		040421
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x it's hard but it's possible

first you have to dig out all the bodies and exhume their evil spirits

then build the foundation

expect that it will fall apart sometimes when you're beginning

and resolve to keep going regardless

because you can't gain anything if you don't try 		040421
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birdmad i have and i do,

maybe not along the same methods and lines as you or any of the others

but even then, when it comes to certain issues, anytime it really matters to me, everything i do, try or say always seems to find me counted out or written off in some way or other, at which point it always feels like some comparison where i was judged to be lacking in some way, and even if the point of comparison is never spoken or otehrwise made clear, the implication is always this:

"...at least he was [insert favorable criteria here]"

and that's when i can even manage to get that far anymore

sigh 		040421
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x why would it be that you are singled out to have an extraordinarily bad fate? 040422
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birdmad sort of a condescending implication in that question, but i'll bite anyway:

a seeming lack of comparative value.

it's not the feeling of being "singled out," which implies a form of selection and in the negative context implies targeted malice. i might have beleived that once, and may still believe that it is an element of some of my experiences but the more i analyze it, the more i realize that it's the feeling of exclusion, which is more suggestive of failure, lack of merit or fault/defect

i can sit here and do like Al Franken's old "Stuart Smalley" character from SNL and tell myself "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and goshdarnit - people like me" and in some cases some of that may even be true, but if things manage to turn out badly everytime i let my defenses down to make any sort of serious emotional investment in anyone else, that belief isn't going to sustain itself for very long 		040422
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IKC 56-80 Hmm.

Joy_Division)

"Passover"


popping by for a visit. 		040422
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x "whether you think you're wrong or think you're right, you're right" 040423
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> anything 040423
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Piso Mojado the patterns and colors on a butterfly's wings 040423
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oldephebe i learn something every time i read birdmad and x's blathes 040423
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. yes. 050125
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stork daddy a lot of being included is soul-sucking deference. that said, sometimes your posts make me sad birdmad. 050125
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Mister Brightside When the chameleon approach fails (adapt, blend in to my surroundings, play to the audience at hand, etc)
the sage advice i get is to
"just be yourself"

Of course, being "myself" either renders me invisible or catches me a ration of shit over how i supposedly haven't changed

it's the goof of all time.

in this day and age, "Nice words" and a "talent for articulation" aren't high enough cards to trump the factors that gave birth to that_creeping_ugly_feeling

the incongruity of a carrion bird trying to flock among the brightly feathered. 		050126
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? What is so abhorrent and injurious about deferance that is not imposed, but a voluntary and egoless expression of appreciation or tribute? 050126
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Abbie There it is. It is what I have been waiting for all my life, the tantalizing knowledge that it may exist the only thing keeping me alive, and for the first time I can see it, I can reach out and touch it... and it is so much more fragile than I had thought... I may have already shattered it. 050126
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stork daddy i didn't say it was horrible. but deferrence does require a degree of sacrifice. if you aren't buddha, you're ambivalent about this. 050126
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Mister Brightside deference is easy...

...up to a reasonable point

not having it be misread as overly creepy solicitousness is the hard part.

but...leave it to a fuck-up like me to make trying to be attentive and trying to be johnny-on-the-spot with the right word, gift or atmosphere into a liability. 		050126
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Karma * Fuzzy_logic_and_the_Law * 050126
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... the_Power_of_a_Butterfly ... 050126
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Eraserhead Assimilate now or be destroyed 050127
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Deomis i might stay pulled together
if you just weren't here
to be strong for me
so stay away from me
and don't come near
because with your first touch
it will all fall apart 		050128
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
from