unhinged i am more than willing to take my share of the blame and responsibility in any situation

but don't expect me to be happy with the just_friends prize while i get to be the one on the outside looking in again. you really have no idea how lonely i feel. watching you kiss someone else makes my wrists itch.
unhinged i try to write this feeling off on my hormones, my illness, but it is more than that.

i have a big hole in my heart where you should be.
minnesota_chris objectively speaking, nobody cares if you're hurt or if you're ok with that, love's a bitch that way. 090528
unhinged yeah, i know. people don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. it doesn't make it hurt any less though. 090528
unhinged (i have spent my life caring about others more than i care about myself. i have tried every means at my disposable to rid myself of that, have cut all the people out of my life who don't give a shit about me recently, and i only feel worse somehow for suppressing my instinct to take care of others)

who i really am inside doesn't match up with reality very well
minnesota_chris people care about you, but not enough to remain in a relationship that they don't want to be in. Nobody is required to inhabit your heart, your heart's not a prison but a garden that you can cultivate and invite people to enter. 090529
unhinged people walk in and out of my heart of their own free will all the time. i have never demanded anyone to stay. and look at that, no one has stayed for longer than three months.


i do not nag, demand, beg for people to care. never have, never will. like my brother said years ago concerning an old friend, people run into each other like shit in a sewer and just as easily float away.

i let him slip away because i never had the courage to tell him how i felt. i once again convinced myself that being friends was better than nothing. but i think i've finally learned that that is a lie. being friends is worse than nothing when you want everything from someone. being friends with someone you want to give the whole world to is never enough, torture. in the back of my mind, there was always the small hope that he would make my fairy tale come true. that his kiss would wake me up from my years of slumber. but kiss me he never has and now i get to watch his lips wake someone else up.

my heart no longer feels sleeping, just dead.
unhinged i couldn't expect him to know how i felt if i never told him.

why would i tell him i was in_love with him if he told me i was like a sister?

after years of telling people how i felt about them and still turning up empty_handed why would i continue? i have never been a competitive aggressive person. besides, those don't seem like good adjectives to describe how to handle your heart.
Phil An open hand is better than an empty hand, but you still need to close your hand at the right time. 090530
unhinged when i open my hands, that is how they become empty. 090531
neesh there is no one right way. there is no path to happiness, only the constant possibility. there is no causal relation between right living/kindness/self understanding and happiness. we can only hope, and/or despair. 090531
unhinged all i ever did was enable you
forgive you
tolerate, accept you

all you ever did was cut_and_run

you tell me why i shouldn't have walls
what's it to you?
who go