not_quite_news kingsuperspecial Stock Market Decline Fixed by Smacking It. NEW YORK - A persistent decline in stock prices was fixed tody, when floor trader Daniel McGuiness gave the market what he is calling "a sharp smack". Economists remain baffled as to what the action has actually fixed, but traders surged to place orders as the slumping ecomomy seemed to recover. At the perception that the market was on the mend, trading increased, setting a blistering pace by the end of the day. "Bacically, once word got around that things were fixed, everyone started buying like mad. said Harold Milkmine, assistant director of research at Joseph Stevens. "We had all had it up to the teeth, with things dragging like they were," Stevens affirmed that it would benifical for the momentum to persist. "Most people are hoping this will continue. We all really like it." "A lot of porfolios went up faster than stink," agreed Aetna strategist James Sebkut. "A kick in the pants is just what this economy needed. I'm surprised nobody had thought of this earlier." Like many others, Sebkut had been hoping rally for some time, only to see stocks waiver lower. With a rally started, Sebkut thinks that stocks could gains for several weeks, although he remains cautious about the longer term market. "This sort of thing probably needs a longer term solution, " he warned, " but if it lasts until I get my Porche out of hawk, I'll be happy". At the closing bell of the New York Stock Exchange, the Nasdaq composite index had gained 68.18 to 1,117.23, while the Standard & Poor's 500 index added 55.73 to close at 893.43. Volume swelled to a record 2.92 billion shares. However, opinion is divided on the idea that this event marks the beginning of a full recovery. The real test of the rally, said Economist reporter Lilian Grimes, may lie in the technique of Mcguiness. "A half-day rise is nice, but can he do it again?" questioned Grimes. "What if he get's sick, or takes a vacation? Without knowing what exactly he did, investors may remian spooked over the longer term. " When pressed about the technique, McGuiness insisted he did not know exacly why it worked. An employee of Merrill Lynch, McGuinesswas one of many traders who felt frustrated by consistent losses during the nation's sluggish economy. "This morning I was taking a beating, even on the on the S+P 500. I was just plain sick of it", related McGuiness. "I walked over to the market and gave it a sharp smack with my palm. After that, things perked right up." McGuiness stated he would be willing to try again if things went poorly for the market in the future. He did not disclose where he learned the technique, but did mention using a similar method to adjust his parent's television, which gets poor reception. Despite the mystery behind the upswing, spirits around the trading floor remained high. "Right now, nobody really cares 'why' it worked," claimed Schwabb Investment broker Martin Willowby, when interviewed after the closing bell. "We have been hoping things would pick up for some time. We're just glad, we're finally getting rich again." The changed did not go un-noticed by the market's governing officials, though a formal statement is yet to be released. "This is entirely unprecidented, " stated U.S. Securities and Exchange Commissioner Cynthia A. Glassman. "We're not exactly sure what went on down there, but we'll probably take a look." It was not clear what action, if any, the S.E.C. might take. " At this point there is no policy surrounding this type of action, " added Glassman, " but we have scheduled some time with Mr. Mcguiness and his supervisors at Merrill Lynch". Designed to regulate trading on the market, it is expected the S.E.C. will be forced to make a ruling surrounding McGuiness's action. It is also rumored the commision is considering an official proceedure to manage this sort of market correction in the future . An S.E.C. insider, under the condition of anonimity, said that, for now, the S.E.C. plans to give McGuniess "a good talking to" 020925 ... kingsuperspecial HEADLINE: Noted Scholars, Linguists Declare Ebonics "Ain't No Thang" HOUSTON, TEXAS - In a statement issued at a meeting of the National Coucil On Speech in Houston, Texas, liguist Lance Petreford assured teachers that "Ebonics is straight dope". The meeting was held a the John Wayne conventions center in Houston, and was attended by over 5,000 teachers from around the country. With a flair that caused a notable ruffle in the audience, Petreford opened by suggesting "All you bitches need to step off". "The systematic an' expressive nature of dem grammar an' pronunciation patterns inna African American vernacular has been established by thems scientific studies", stated Petreford. "Characterizations o' Ebonics as "slang," "mutant," " lazy," "defective," "ungrammatical," or "broken English" is incorrect an' demeaning, word. All you niggas is wack. Fact is, there ain't no reason fo' peeps to trip about Ebonicis. Shit's chill, yo. We's aint sure why yous fools be trippin'." In a related annoucment, Oxford scholars have decided to "chill" over their traditional dislike of ebonics. Plans have been announce to release "The Unabbridged Oxford English Dictionary of Words And Shit" later this year. 020925 ... silentbob headline: Guess You Just Had To Be There Says Area Man After Wacky Thing Happens 021010 what's it to you? who go blather from