this_is_not_what_i_want endless desire what more can i say? my chest feels heavy my body feels weak. what more can i say? what feels so wrong. why can't i say so. why am i so afraid. this is not what i want. now let me be honest. i'd like to say something that makes sense with what i feel. to change things for the better. but endless miles make changing difficult. things will be better when you return? won't they. things used to be perfect. how was this ever best for the both of us? but i don't matter much. oh_goodnight. i can't wait to leave to forget myself. though, i meant to promise 3 times. we are fine. we just need a tune up. i don't care about feeling special. about feeling loved or taken care of. honestly, i just feel horribly smothered in love. i'd even ask you to take some away so i can feel more value in your words. can i not be honest with you, without you being so afraid we are going to fall apart? stop reaching for the worst scenario in everything so i can talk to you. please. i hate killing beautiful things. i don't want to kill beautiful thigns. but i just can't pretend that everything is ok any longer when you know it's not and i know it's not. yet for some reason, i can't bring myself to say a thing. take that where you wish. fear the worst. even panic. there is nothing i can do anymore to stop that. i love what i just read somewhere in the blue. i've gotten so lost in the pages, but i remember it. "i talk to him and he can't hear me but he listens." good intentions reign. study your life pattern then i'll study mine. mistakes should never be repeated. 030727 ... sylphide I hope my premonition's missing. 031118 ... Death of a Rose is silent 031118 ... ferret smiles, giggles, and keeps a straight face as he says "you remind me of my friends, tonya." 031118 ... Spool After stopping amphetamines for three days I find that eating and smoking cigarettes are the most productive parts of my day. Even on them I never really had what I wanted anyway, this is just a new low. I want to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to work out. I want to get really into break-dancing just for the hell of it. I want to play at open mics and, most importantly, I want to make friends along the way. But this isn't about making friends, it's about doing what I can do on my own. Sad to think that writing this blathe has been my greatest accomplishment today. 070915 what's it to you? who go blather from