i_said_i_wouldnt__i_wont looraf I said I would never badmouth you or ton noveau copain. Looraf will. Did you know that he was one of my chief tormentors until he met you? Yeah. Whenever he was over he, and the rest of his and my brother's friends would make gay jokes making sure I was in earshot first. He was the one that coined the nickname 'Ace' for me, 'cause I spent so much time with Gary. He made Gary cry once. Yeah. Personally, I think he's a homophobic asshole pig, or at least he was. Apologies would be nice, but he still always talks to me in that condescending way. He made me cry too. He was the worst. I got in a fight with my brother once, like, with fists, and he said some things that hurt, my brother hit me, and I just collapsed in fucking tears. I'm not his biggest fan. Gary Breed, the fucking SAINT of all things selfless, got harassed by him constantly. He's never said a single nice thing to me that I can remember. I bet the only reason he doesn't still do that is because you're around. Before I could always say that he was just doing it because he was older than me, but he seems to be okies with you, and you're younger than me! Speaking of age, whatever. Is that even fucking LEGAL?! I have nothing against you. Nothing. I'm still convinced that you're an awesome person. I'm not doubting your decision, nor saying that you made the wrong one. I'm just a little sad right now. I think that it's a FACT that we've drifted out of touch. 'i_can_see_it_in_the_way_we_move', ring any bells? Hows about 'I'll never leave you behind, I promise'? Anything? Pleasepleaseplease. Talk to me. Please please talk to me. I'm sorry, okies, but can you at least tell me what the fuck is going on? 060606 ... (_) try to understand you anymore. i'm so sorry, honey. chest heaves eyes leak . . . 060606 ... looraF I take it back. 061220 ... the awful truth Well, i had you, honey I don' think you'll protest that fact. Well i had you honey I dont think you'll protest that fact. Well, I had you honey, Dont know if you'll be coming back. Well, I dont know shit dear I think we got that straight. Well, I dont know shit dear I think we got that straight Well All that i've figured here is i dont know shit dear and i think we got that straight. I got the blues. I got the blues. The I done fucked up really bad dont know how to make it good again blues i got the blues the you sleepin next door but i cant get you back in bed again blues the blues i got the i dont know where i been i dont know where im at i dont know where im going but i sure love you baluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuues 061221 ... Syrope today was the happiest i've been since thanksgiving. and i mean in the most internal, inexplicable way. i've had a lot of fun this winter, but i haven't felt...OK with myself. today i got up earlier than i had to, but not early enough to still be tired. i went to the mall and finished my shopping. i cleaned the kitchen. i made myself lunch. i wrapped presents. something about the easy, finite checklist is really comforting. i'm not particularly excited about the gifts i got my family. i think we're the most predictable and completely-oblivious-to-each-others'-personalities family ever. most christmases i fight the feeling that THAT year, i was going to get something i wanted. something that shows even the slightest glimmer of concern about my wellbeing or interest in who i am. this year i'm just hoping it's all easy enough to return without anyone noticing. just talking about it, i feel horrible. greedy and selfish and spoiled. i don't know how to express to someone what it's like to get many gifts of impressive monetary value, but to feel emptier and emptier with each one. there's absolutely no meaning in any of them. i'm tired of getting my hopes up. i said i wouldn't. i won't. 061221 what's it to you? who go blather from