square_the_circle_chapter_12_ crOwl tim brought the styrofoam cup to his lips again and felt the hot coffee wash over the already numb spots on his tongue that he would find burned and sore tomorrow. whatever correlation there was between coffee and inebriation he didn't really understand. he was just glad that the oblivion and the loss of coordination was gone. he leaned against the counter and surveyed the store, still drunk enough to have complete liberty with his speech. normally, when sober, tim was reticent. alcohol unleashed the words that were usually shy and unwilling to leap from the jagged cliffs of his thoughts. tonight, jamesons gave him the false sense of courage to leap. "hey," tim called out to the teenboy cashier. "thanks for the warning. you're a good kid." "no problem," the boy said, stepping over beside tim. he still watched him with a subtle sense of suspicion. he wiped the clean counter with a rag for something to do. there was a brief moment of silence. tim thought of kayla. he could still see her standing before him getting dressed before they left for the casino. "do you mind if i ask you a question?" the boy said, stopping. he leaned back against the fake-wood counter next to him. "what's up?" tim asked, taking another sip of coffee. it tasted like hot washwater, still he cringed and swallowed, knowing it would somehow cut the severity of his irresponsible drunk. "you don't look like someone who should be dressed like that, how come you are?" tim looked down at his armani suit. he spit out his last swallow in a spraying gasp of self-addressed laughter. "i know, dude. it's fucking ridiculous. i was playing blackjack earlier today and believe it or not, winning." "oh yeah? were you alone?" tim thought immediately of kayla's beauty and how stunningly gorgeous she looked. "no," tim said finishing his coffee. he slammed the cup down. it made a thumping, hollow sound. he felt a million times better. "i was with a really hot, chick. dude, you should have seen her." "nice?" "you don't even know." "well, what happened? where is she now?" "i think she's in love with my room-mate." "that sucks." "i know." "is that why you're alone tonight?" "exactly." "i see." the door opened and in walked two girls and a guy. the girls had low waisted cords with double snap pockets and belly shirts. the dude was wearing a bright blue ralph lauren oxford out of his diesel jeans. his short hair was pushed forward in gelled handstreaks. they smelled like sex. tim watched them swagger their way to the beverages cooler. he made eye contact with one of the girls. her hair was dyed black with bangs and shaved in the back. no tattoos, but a lip ring. he watched them open the door and giggle over their choices. the dude picked a red bull. the girls couldn't decide between a starbucks double shot or a sobe. tim looked over at the teenboy cashier. he rolled his eyes and made his way to the cash register. tim continued to watch the show. "those have way too many calories," the girl with the lavendar eyeshadow said. she held her sobe against her thigh and pushed against the other girls little can of super caffeine. "fuck you?" her friend said." these little boys are sweet." she slammed the door and walked up the aisle. she stole another gaze at tim. she was flying on super k. "nice suit," she said, looking him up and down. "thanks," tim said. "you are very beautiful yourself." she heard him but acted like she didn't. the dude with her glanced at tim and his dilated pupils could barely take him in. tim noticed the other gil had met his gaze as well. suddenly tim wanted to find clara's friend, sydney, more than ever. "do you guys know where west mall is?" he asked, grabbing her attention. she ran the ringed fingers of her right hand through her streaked, straight blonde hair. her silver, beaded bangles caught the florescent lights of the bp shoppe. she stopped, as if curiousity was something she used to possess, but now it was a childhood memory. she looked at him, blinked her eyes slowly as if they were curtains being drawn and her little show she had been giving him was over. however, the dude, in some kind of brotherly link of generosity, seemed to acknowledge tim's question, pausing as he laid his drink on the counter. he turned, but couldn't adequately focus, so he just mumbled into the convenience store banality. "you can follow us. that's where we're going." "thanks, man," tim said. "i'm going to follow you then." all three of them looked at him for but a second as he moved up behind them, but none of them acknowledged he had said that. they just turned, moved their heads to music that wasn't playing, laid down their money, accepted their change and retreated to their car, a mazda spyder. tim waved to the teenboy, a sure combination of goodbye and thanks and followed them out. 050225 ... unhinged they pulled into the sprawling parking lot of the west mall and when tim looked at the giant building he realized his chances of finding a stranger inside where smaller than slim. the kids in front of him where here for the same reason; they all had nothing to do. but surely their idea of nothing to do didn't include a suspicious looking stranger. in a moment of rare clarity, he saw images of the last underager he tried to get on; clara limp and lifeless on the bathroom floor of that hotel back in illinois. his heart fluttered in panic. once again, alcohol was making some bad choices for him. tim let the kids in front of him pull off down a random row of the parking lot and just kept going straight. no need to bother those kids anymore; they got him where he was going. after a few more rows of the parking lot passed him on the left, he turned the wrong way up one of them and parked the car in an unwanted space far from any entrance. slowly, he turned the car off and ran his hands through his hair. some teenage chick fawning over him wasn't going to change what was really going on while it might be an egobooster. if he really wanted to get over kayla, he was just going to have to leave. leave her and scott at the duponts and find something of his own. something that would keep him clear of the slammer. picking up teenage chicks really wasn't a good choice as far as jail time was concerned. and it was obviously this sort of thing that drove kayla away. his dumb choices, his delinquent immature behavior. even the young chicks got sick of it eventually and he found himself alone. sitting alone in the car in the mall parking lot, tim found this pack of realizations like a lost twenty on the street. maybe it was finally time to change since his present course always ended in the same dead end. maybe he finally just needed to grow up. he looked around and realized that he had no idea how to get home. kayla smacked scott's hand away and nervously clawed at the lid of the bottle she had dug out of her purse. 'don't tell me what i need. i think i know what i need.' she overtly turned her back to him as she emptied the bottle into the palm of her hand. she looked at the green pills in her hand and anger closed her throat. in a sudden fit, she threw the pills against the wall. scott reached for her again and she wriggled out of his grasp. 'i'm sure you think i'm being a petulant child. no, please just let me talk. i need to figure this out alone scott. i know you want to help, but i can't let you. he supposedly just wanted to help me when he gave me all these pills in the first place. for once, i need to help myself. i need to do this for and by myself. i came out here to be alone because i need to be alone. i'm at a selfish period in my life and i guess that's what i mean when i say you don't deserve me. you don't deserve me because i can't give back right now. i don't want to be a taker. nobody needs a taker in their lives.' 050228 ... crOwl scott stepped back from kayla and dropped his hands to his sides. he turned around and away fro her, something he felt was really hard to do. everything inside him wanted to fight her resistance and win her back into his arms. to say the words that would stop her open-mouthed and force her to see he was there to accept the rest of her anguish, realizing she could let it go and he would help her by taking it upon himself. but her recent burst of pent up emotion was a sudden revelation to him, a smack in the face to shake him from the delusion that she was in love with him. instead, he clammed up like a child. later, when he mumbled his half-assed intentions and told her he would go off and find tim, she barely acknowledged him. so he slammed the door, stood out on the spanish tile landing and screamed his frustration to the sultry desert air. jumping into the range rover, he drove off into reno searching for mrs. dupont's lexus and beat himself up for the way he responded to kayla's need to be alone. now, as neon lights and flashing billboards ostentaciously urged the thrill seekers in to test their luck, scott was cursing his egotistical defense mechanism. like always, whenever he felt that his love was denied, he took it personal. he was the one who failed kayla. there was something wrong with the way he was reaching out to her. he knew what he should have done. but not doing it was creating an even deeper gap between them. then i'll leave her to herself, he thought, cranking the volume to the bloc party he had slipped into the range rover's slick as shit cd player. he slowed down at the approaching red light and looked across the three lanes of saturday night sardines to a glittering strip mall. he saw the tempting logos of the firwater that once burned his soul to ashes. he could taste it in his throat. he could imagine the creeping numbness and crawling confidence that would soon become the best two-hour friend he ever had, allowing it to talk him out of his depression with laid on thick flattery until the toxins created a headache and true feelings returned revealing his temporary pal turned out to be a liar. fuck it, scott thought. this time it will be different. he put his left turn signal on and inched his way into the turning lane. as one song ended and another began, he waited for the green arrow. tim dug into his pants pocket for his tin of what used to hold altoids and popped the lid. he had one decent size bud left. he pressed it between index finger and thumb until it flaked off into several much smaller pieces. he could smell the sweet, sour, floral, earthy bouquet and caught a quick but powerful scent buzz. he always loved that, as if his senses couldn't wait. he ripped off a single rizza and quickly rolled a pin. he saved enough for one more. he fired it up and hit it several times until it was gone. if i gotta try and find my way back home at least i want to have fun doing it, he thought. the weed hit him hard and he could care less about where he was. he closed his eyes. all he could see was kayla. he opened them again with the painful jab that reminded him he had to get away from her. he looked out at the many shoppes of the sprawling mall, looming like a world of unlimited opportunity. someone's gotta be hiring in there, he thought. he could see it all. he'd have his own job, get his own place, look into starting college, maybe even find a girl. he stole a quick glance into the car mirror, tried to calm his unruly curls, scraped at the plaque on his teeth with his fingernail and buttoned all but the last button of his white shirt. he popped up the latch of the door and stood up. a rare, cool breeze tickled a few stray hairs across his forehead. he felt light-headed and had to take a mad piss. he jammed his hands in his pockets and shuffled quickly to a side entrance door near the cinemaplex. he scanned the mall map kiosk for the restrooms. "first floor, thank god!" he said to himself and made a hard right past the packed food court. a circus of sound and smelled poured out of it as he hurried by. on he went past a jewlery store, a virgin megastore, and victoria's secret until finally he reached the long hallway to the restroom. he about ran the rest of the way and pushed heavily into the door. he was met with the rank odor of manliness. there were several dudes already inside. some of them washing their hands, others zipping up their pants. all the urinals were in use. tim could feel eyes on him from two guys in ripped jeans, thick, black boots, and sleeveless t-shirts. they both sported tattoos that looked home-made. they were wiping their hands and talking under their breath to each other while they stared. "isn't that the fucking faggot we saw walking into the dupont's house?" the one with the shaved head spoke first. he had a scar under his armpit and his back where a bullet had entered and left his body. "i don't know. could be. eric said there was some dude living there that almost killed clara." the other one hissed back. he had a relaxed mohawk and huge gauges. they watched tim take the place of a middle-aged man with glasses and a heavy limp. tim unzipped his fly and relieved himself. the short-lived, burning pain was practically unbearable. he stood for a long time, listening to his piss echo off the porcelein, visualizing himself waking up in his own bed, in his own apartment, making coffee in his own coffee maker. he finished and zipped up his fly. he thought about the two gnarly looking dudes that were looking at him when he first entered. he hoped they were gone. they weren't. 050228 ... unhinged kayla climbed into the empty bathtub gathering her robe around her. her left wrist itched unbearably and as she dug the stubs of her fingernails into her skin and couldn't possibly feel the bite she was looking for, she started to cry. 'you weak piece of shit. look at you laying in a bathtub trying to scratch your skin off with your nonexistant fingernails, crying like a damn baby.' her inner dialogue was always piercingly mean. no one could have said anything to her she hadn't said to herself a million times. no doctors, no shrinks, no friends; the voice in the back of her mind had already told her everything she needed to know. why did she always push away the ones that honestly wanted to help, that probably actually could? she had heard scott scream before he left the house. it reminded her of all the fights she had gotten into with sammy that left her so lividly angry, only a primal scream could pass her lips. sammy; a guy like him deserved to deal with her disease. a guy like him deserved to watch her disintegrate into pieces every couple of days. a guy like him deserved to try to control what she refused to let medicine control. scott, not scott; there was something too soft in his eyes. she couldn't take that away from him; her disease would take that away from him just like it had taken it away from her. suddenly the doorbell rang. kayla's heart jumped; it better not be that punk asshole. she was all alone in the house. she vaulted over the edge of the bathtub and frantically searched for some kind of weapon. whoever was at the door impatiently rang the bell quickly five times in a row. 'damnit,' she wrenched the bottom drawer of the nightstand open and dumped it over. a shiny black 22 fell out. kayla picked it up in shaking hands and dumped it in the pocket of her robe. 'god, why did scott leave? please don't let that be eric at the door. please please please' she almost fell down the steps in her nervous haste; she could see dirty flannel and jeans in the skylight. she tightened her grip around the gun in her pocket and cracked the door open. eric flashed her a huge shit-eating grin. 'hey lita, ya wanna let me in this time?' tim zipped up his pants and slowly turned around shaking his head. 'do i know you dudes?' the guy with the mohawk stepped towards him. 'no, i don't think you do.' the murderous smile on his face backed tim off. suddenly, tim was pinned against the cold white tile of the bathroom. everyone else in the room scattered like flies. 'shit, i'm screwed,' tim thought. 'but maybe this is just my karma coming back to me for leaving her like that. i deserve to get the shit kicked out of me for that.' he stopped struggling and the other guy punched him in the gut. he doubled over. the guy with the mohawk let go of one arm and punched him square in the jaw. tim spit out some blood onto the tile floor. 'what the fuck man? you ain't even gonna fight back? figures; you leave our girl to die and you just gonna sit here and take it like a pussy' tim looked up at the guy squinting through one eye just in time to catch a heavy black boot to the face. 050301 ... crOwl things went black for tim, perhaps cloudy grey at first, as he saw the calculated intensity of clara's former lovers taking their liberty to avenge the crime tim had selfishly and illegally committed against her teen-aged innocence. there were jagged bits of electric flash pain where forceful kicks hit him point blank in the groin and teeth, but after that he felt nothing. his vision diminished to life as a silent film which abruptly improved, as if music was playing, bells maybe, and distant violin. then, everything was quiet, the kind of stillness when one wakes in the wee hours of morning, opens the blinds and sees snow falling against the lonely street light. tim felt good, actually. even if it was for the one moment he discovered he was still alive. he came to, all alone on the bathroom floor. he had survived his judgement. he was breathing. the shit kicked out of him and flat out on the floor, but at least his heart was still beating, a tiny little drum announcing the triumph of his survival. but, wait. what was that sudden sting in his gut? it felt like fiery air was entering a hole in his body. like ants were biting him and carrying something they needed away from him. he remembered where his hands were. could he move them? yes. he guided them down to that sore spot in his belly. what was that sticky, warm stuff? he pulled his heavy hands out and brought them to his face. it's red, he thought. it smells like iron. he swallowed hard and slowly blinked his eyes. he knew what it was. he knew what happened to him. he had been stuck and left to die, but he had so much he wanted to do yet. he tried to stand and fell face first against the hard tile in a puddle of his own blood. the arrow turned green. scott pushed on the gas and turned left into the parking lot of the strip mall. he pulled in and searched for a parking spot and could find nothing but blue-framed handicapped spaces. he went around twice and found a spot where a van was pulling out. scott waited and then grabbed it. he shut off the engine, stepped out, and chirped the lock. he stood for a moment and surveyed his options. there was a deli, a cowboy bar, an outback steakhouse, and what was that? embarcadaro? looks like a cool bar, scott thought. that's where he headed. opening the heavy wooden door, he noticed a faint spanish influence and a packed crowd. he was immediately greeted by the hostess, a sharp, achingly gorgeous twenty-year old with veneer caps and straight hair she had spent two hours in polucci's acquiring. "one?" she asked, graping a menu in both hands. "actually," scott said, "i'd like a seat at the bar." "sure," she said, smiling, "follow me." she led him to one bar stool available. she stood tall while he sat. "thank you," scott said. she turned away without acknowledging him. the bartender approached, slapping down a red hook brewery coaster. "what can i get for you?" he asked. his long hair was pulled back into a pony tail. he wore a yellow and green sweatband on his right wrist. "red seal," scott said, looking off to his right. he could feel the elbow of the girl next to him. she wore her short black hair in two stubby pig tails in an upwards design, immediately depicting her flair for whatever. scott saw her immersed in a detailed conversation with the girl next to her, a blonde who looked like an elementary schoolteacher. scott drank his microbrew and thought about kayla. he was extremely nervous about their relationship. he hated leaving her alone, but didn't know what else he could do. it seemed, at the time, the only thing he could do. he just hoped that in his absence she would find something missing. suddenly, the girl next to him ended her chat and turned her head to the left and acknowledged scott's presence with a brief smile. scott, by that time was almost finished with his draft and while he sat at the bar he had used a napkin to write a simple question which he unsuspectingly slid over to her when she offered her friendly greeting. she read it to herself, "if you could only say one word for the rest of your life, what would it be?" she pursd her numb lips. she could taste the chocolate in her martinis. she pushed the paper over to her friend. she read it and raised one eyebrow. what the fuck? she thought and took scott's pen and scribbled a word down and pushed the scrap of napkin over to him. "unknown." scott read. he looked over at her and when their eyes met, scott knew something happened between them, even if it was the basic science of a magnet's attraction. her eyes were brown, the color of the chestnuts his grandfather used to roast. her arms were tan below the sleeves of her white shirt. she also wore a black skirt and her legs were pillars. just the way her eyes drove into his he knew time was at a standstill. "want to come with us?" she suddenly said. "where are you going?" scott asked. "i don't know," she said. 050301 ... unhinged kayla tried to push him out the door by closing it in his face, but eric wedged his arm in at the last second and violently pushed her back into the foyer. the gun fell out of her pocket and slid across the tiled floor. his eyebrow arched 'oh so you got a gun this time?' and he grabbed her by the wrists immoblizing her. she bent over his grip and twisted unpredictably to either side trying to break his grip, but he just kept squeezing harder. eventually the pain in her wrists stilled her. eric dragged her into the front living room where they had almost fought before and threw her on the couch. her robe opened suggestively to show her underwear. he peered over her shoulder to the gun lying on the floor. 'so, lita, i was just stopping by to tell you clara is running away, coming back here. she wanted me to stop by and tell you. and you have to pull a gun on me,' he grabbed her jaw in one hand and squeezed hard enough to bruise her face. she glared at him. 'damn, if i don't just...' his other hand slid under her robe to the waist of her panties and he twisted out of the way of her knee that was aimed directly at his balls. suddenly, flashing lights pulled up to the house. 'what the fuck bitch! you called the cops?' eric quickly let go of her and headed towards the back of the house. 'no, i swear to god i didn't.' kayla ran over to the gun and stashed it in the drawer of the table in the foyer. when she turned around, she saw eric sliding out of the patio door in the kitchen. even though she was expecting the doorbell to ring, she almost jumped out of her skin when it did. she gathered mrs. dupont's robe back around her and ran her hands over her hair. 'hello ma'am. there's been an accident with a tim readle who said he was staying at this residence. do you know a tim readle?' tim never told kayla his last name but who else could it be? 'yeah, what happened?' 'he was assaulted at the local mall ma'am. he's in pretty bad shape. do you know anyone that would attack him ma'am?' 'we are just staying here at the request of the lady who owns this house. we've only been in town for a couple of days and we're not from around here. i have no idea who would attack him.' 'would you like to go see him in the hospital? i can take you there.' 'well, i have to get dressed...' 'of course ma'am.' kayla ran upstairs and threw on some jeans and a hoodie. as she went to the back door to get her shoes, she scribbled a quick note to scott: tim's at the hospital. i'll turn my phone on. 330-770-1231 scott followed the two girls back to a house that probably wasn't far from the duponts. after that, his memories were somewhat hazy. he remembered a beautiful glass bong that was probably about three feet tall with ridiculously green bud. a mirror and some lines and a special cutter that looked like antique jewelry from the 20s. and flashes of female faces not kayla's, glassy eyes that came more quickly than he wanted them to and with no emotion. he woke up the next day entangled in their bodies with a raging headache. he extracted himself from them quietly without disturbing them, found his clothes among various piles around the room and threw them on as he made his way downstairs. what the fuck did he just do? 050314 ... crOwl square_the_circle_chapter_13_ 050317 ... a must read red blathe . 050805 what's it to you? who go blather from