pushpins A vast peace ridden hollow.
with artsy simplicity
dragging its claws across my collarbones
--the white satin sheet of skin
that I have taught to be perfection
at the cost of my friends
and my health.
but if I try hard enough
I feel emptiness inside,
and its more than ever dreamed,
my head too heavy for
my fragile frame
that daintily floats about the day.
I can make swift, easy, gliding,
sweeping sashays
and smile a skeletons happiness.
They don't understand that I am beauty
and I am perfection
with my elegant paperdoll looks.
They just don't get
that I am finally empty inside,
free of the awful thing called emotion
that they must suffer through.
lady lunchbox there's a hole in my soul
right where you used to be.
you came unexpectedly,
but you didn't stay;
i wouldn't let you.
you took me by surprise
and i had nothing to offer you.
i made you leave.
i loved you,
but you couldn't be here.
not the time...
not the place....

i missed you after you were
i realized that i had
pushed you away
when what i needed most was
the tears came
much too late.
i cried you a river
that will forever run deep.
you'll float there,

no matter how far away
you float down that river,
i will never forget
the face that i never
had the chance to see.

i'm sorry....
unhinged i could feel you pushing me away
even though it was gentle
i could feel the pressure
you put on me to turn away
and it made me angry
why couldn't we be friends?
why did i have to wake up to that?
why did i get the feeling that you thought i was a silly naieve child?
i knew i shouldn't get so upset by
the words of a person i had never seen
i shouldn't let things like that bother me
i was a child
but i didn't want to express anger to you
i mean it's not as if i had the right to be angry with you when i had never met you
and maybe part of me deserved what it felt like to be pushed away
for all the people i ever pushed away
but the hypocrite in me
found indignation in it
i was glad that i could tell you anything
it helped me to be able to tell you anything
sure maybe i should have found someone to talk to in real life
but even over this stupid machine
i felt something from our correspondence
that was just as strong as anything
i had in real life
i liked telling you anything
you were my human journal
something about your probing nature
helped me help myself
looking deep in things i let
hastily scab over
maybe i needed you
but i was a silly child
if i had learned one thing
it was
that honesty kills all
ferret the light inside
flickers and dies
evil roots grow deeper inside me
they eat away my soul

fumbling through the darkness
searching for the anathema

diseased and fleabitten
how long has it been since you've written?
i'm searching for you in the dark
and now i have to build an ark

to float across the sea of despair
i can't find you anywhere
loving, hating, dissappreciating
i can still see even though the light is fading

i've listened for so long
to see if i could find
something i've been searching for
that i've left behind

the emptiness is now complete
your face will never show
and now i spend eternity
stumbling through the snow
endless desire emptiness inside
is what i long to achieve.
maybe one day i will shrivel up.
maybe one day i will be nothing.
maybe one day i will disappear.
maybe one day i will blow away with the breeze.
maybe one day you will catch me.
what's it to you?
who go