emptiness_inside pushpins A vast peace ridden hollow. with artsy simplicity dragging its claws across my collarbones --the white satin sheet of skin that I have taught to be perfection at the cost of my friends and my health. but if I try hard enough I feel emptiness inside, and its more than ever dreamed, my head too heavy for my fragile frame that daintily floats about the day. I can make swift, easy, gliding, sweeping sashays and smile a skeletons happiness. They don't understand that I am beauty and I am perfection with my elegant paperdoll looks. They just don't get that I am finally empty inside, free of the awful thing called emotion that they must suffer through. 020216 ... lady lunchbox there's a hole in my soul right where you used to be. you came unexpectedly, but you didn't stay; i wouldn't let you. you took me by surprise and i had nothing to offer you. i made you leave. i loved you, but you couldn't be here. not the time... not the place.... i missed you after you were gone. i realized that i had pushed you away when what i needed most was you. the tears came much too late. i cried you a river that will forever run deep. you'll float there, always. no matter how far away you float down that river, i will never forget the face that i never had the chance to see. i'm sorry.... 020216 ... unhinged i could feel you pushing me away even though it was gentle i could feel the pressure you put on me to turn away and it made me angry why couldn't we be friends? why did i have to wake up to that? why did i get the feeling that you thought i was a silly naieve child? i knew i shouldn't get so upset by the words of a person i had never seen i shouldn't let things like that bother me i was a child but i didn't want to express anger to you i mean it's not as if i had the right to be angry with you when i had never met you and maybe part of me deserved what it felt like to be pushed away for all the people i ever pushed away but the hypocrite in me found indignation in it i was glad that i could tell you anything it helped me to be able to tell you anything sure maybe i should have found someone to talk to in real life but even over this stupid machine i felt something from our correspondence that was just as strong as anything i had in real life i liked telling you anything you were my human journal something about your probing nature helped me help myself looking deep in things i let hastily scab over maybe i needed you but i was a silly child if i had learned one thing it was that honesty kills all 020228 ... ferret the light inside flickers and dies evil roots grow deeper inside me they eat away my soul fumbling through the darkness searching for the anathema diseased and fleabitten how long has it been since you've written? i'm searching for you in the dark and now i have to build an ark to float across the sea of despair i can't find you anywhere loving, hating, dissappreciating i can still see even though the light is fading i've listened for so long to see if i could find something i've been searching for that i've left behind the emptiness is now complete your face will never show and now i spend eternity stumbling through the snow 030624 ... endless desire emptiness inside is what i long to achieve. maybe one day i will shrivel up. maybe one day i will be nothing. maybe one day i will disappear. maybe one day i will blow away with the breeze. maybe one day you will catch me. 030624 what's it to you? who go blather from