smile_its_all_going_wrong sabbie not so much a smile as a cheshire cat grin leaning in the the devil wind as we're all going d o w n 040127 ... shiver can u go away but never leave me 040128 ... misstree if you don't mind, i'd like to slam the brakes and crank the wheel until we're tilted over the cliff; i'm still entertaining fantasies that this beautiful_tragedy can be avoided. once i'm going down, though, i'll have a cheshire_grin and bloody_grin and a laughing_snarl all lined up and ready to fire. 040129 ... *silent screams With nothing to hold on to my world is spinning out of control. I'm falling apart from the inside out. So many times before I've felt like this. Reaching out from the inside to try to grab on to something. To try to slow everything down before I fall over and throw up from the constant spinning motion. A constant fucking rollercoaster of emotion. The pounding in my head is more than I can take. The feelings inside, so much more than I fake. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know why I'm going there. I don't know where I'll end up when I finally get there. I don't even know where there is. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I couldn't escape this feeling even if I tried. I just want everything to be okay. You don't always get what you want though. 040129 ... pd a fake smile becomes real after six seconds...three cheers for hiding yourself. 040129 ... x After months of insurance hassle and having no car I finally have a car. I have a cute new kitten who should stop diesel from whining. I started my student teaching and it's in the east bay so I don't have to move. People like me enough to say they're glad I'm not moving. The position is great, great school, crazy but great teacher. So. I'm fucking depressed. I'm not happy at all. What do I want? There's no reason, no reasoning. 040129 ... skalix it could be better, even though this is all just ONE FREAKIN SINGLE WORD THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!!! 040129 ... girl_jane Yeah...everything is going wrong, but what do I do? I keep on fucking smiling. I can't let anybody know-not here- I'm an actress; this should be easy for me. I'm getting tired and worn out. 040130 ... once again I'm always ok... even when I'm not 040131 ... Death of a Rose :-) 040131 ... time_warp "everything's alright forever" and i curled into a booth, head back, and stared up and away, trying to banish everything that was wrong with these moments. there were times that i was siezed with would-be sobs, that all i could do was lean back and laugh, salt streams betraying me, inexcusable, and i laughed, and i said to myself, "smile! it's all going wrong!" and the laugh would come harder. 040205 ... misstree trying to grin like an idiot but i'm just not dumb enough yet. anyone got any vodka? 040312 ... misstree all of it! ALL OF IT! haha! half-step from unemployment, i'm so_fucking_lost, i'm so_fucking_tired and beaten down and i just don't know anything anymore. i'll be fine. just let me curl up over here for a while. no, it's fine, i'm not crying, that's just my contacts fucking up. just leave me alone for a bit, please? 040312 ... rage 'i just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes' laugh it off, pretend its okay. i wouldn't want to ruin another sunny day. is it my fault im fucking up your perfect life? when everything i am is crashing before my eyes, the only thing i have left that i can do is laugh hysterically smile or they'll know, and it'll become another fucking competition 041110 what's it to you? who go blather from