always_walking_behind_me daxle emotions in a spill- I remember the times when none of you were here, when "silentbob" and "birdmad" were the new people. And I have my kitten crying at me desperately for reasons I can't understand and can't do anything about. When I was 11 I cried desperately for my kitten who my mom threatened to take back if I couldn't get him to take his worm medicine. She's been doing stuff like that to me my whole life. And I've been feeling desperately confused and sad at times for my whole life. And I think this is part of what it means to be human. But what I can't comprehend is this- why? And what I will always be doing is going on regardless. I'll always cry at movies where loved ones who have died come back to life. I'll always cry at movies where someone is penalized111 (kitten type) for not being smart enough. And I'll never be able to say everything I'm feeling and there will always be ups and downs and these lows I feel will always go away. But they'll always come back. I will always come back to the same places I've been before. (claws in thin shoulder skin) Incoherency. Failure to form complete thoughts. Even though I should feel vindicated having a bachelor of science degree at age 21, I'll always feel stupid. I'll always remember that day my mom told me I was bound to live on the streets and be totally useless to the world. 020702 ... daxle catharis by all bets off MY BELOVED NICKY IS DEAD TODAY HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS THE WOUND SCARRED, BUT THE SCAR WON'T FADE BECAUSE EACH DAY HIS GHOST APPEARS ALWAYS WALKING BESIDE ME ALWAYS STANDING BEHIND ME AND EVERY DAY, IN EVERY WAY I FIND SOMETHING TO REMIND ME NO STRANGER TO DEATH THESE DAYS THIS HEART, THIS HEART HAS GROWN STRONG BUT A PART OF ME DIED WITH HIM THAT DAY SO THIS ONE HERE IS NICKY'S SONG OF ALL THE FRIENDS I'VE BURIED I MISS MY NICKY THE MOST OF ALL THE FRIENDS I'VE BURIED I MISS MY NICKY THE MOST I'VE WATCHED THE EDGES FRAY I'VE WATCHED THE COLORS RUN I'VE WATCHED ALL I CARE TO WATCH I'VE SEEN WHAT BECOMES BECOMES OF US BECOMES OF US 020702 ... daxle I should have been the one who died that way. Sadly I believe that in the end he would be in less pain. I'm tired of hearing that I should be less hard on myself and that I should be better in the same breath. This is who I am. And god I try but I know my trying will never be enough. There's no landing deck in life. Always ever pushing. I guess there's supposed to come a day when you get over watching a piece of you die. So I guess I'll just twiddle my thumbs and wipe my teary snot on my sleeves. 020702 ... pavement no sleep there's no survivors there's no surViiiivors 020703 what's it to you? who go blather from