am_i_an_asshole a clever disguise So you all are infinitely more wise than I am, so maybe you can help me with this. The man I love is a year and a half out of a nasty mud_slinging divorce that lasted 2 years, tormented his children and continues to haunt his every day. He is a simple_man. He was content but not happy. Not in love, but not in dislike either. Now, it is as though his simple life was taken away and he is terribly unfit for the complexity of divorced life. He is mood-swingy and irritable without understanding why, but refuses to see a counselor, for, you know, man_reasons. So I did a bunch of research and I bought him a few books on Amazon that I thought he would benefit from, but I haven't given him them yet. I have gone to therapy on and off for most of my adult life. I am extremely self-aware, by way of being extremely self-critical. It's hard for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who knows something is wrong, but doesn't want to know what it is or fix it. So it is hard for me to ask myself "if I were in his shoes, would I think it was an asshole thing to do?" I really do want to help and if he won't talk to someone I don't know how he'll get over the pain and move on. I thought the books would help give him some feeling of normalcy and some guidance of how to deal. So, am i an asshole? 120215 ... unhinged eh, that's a rough one. you love him and want to help him; that is definitely not being an asshole. but if he is resistant to therapy how do you think he would react to you giving him self help books? would he recognize that it was cause you love him or think it was cause you want to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go? can you put yourself in his shoes for long enough to try to understand why he doesn't want therapy? is there a gentle way you can give him the gifts you went through the time and effort to find for him? *shrugs* im not so wise on the topic of relationships 120215 ... a clever disguise He doesn't want therapy because he is a "man." A bull-headed, closed-minded, man. He thinks if he goes to therapy they're just going to "drug him up" and talk a bunch of "psycho_babble_bullshit." He's also had two nieces die of overdoses, both of whom saw therapists of some kind. So, little bit skeptical. He doesn't disagree that talk therapy helped me, but he doesn't want it for himself. He does like reading novels and things, and the books may be "self-help" but they're written with personal stories from dads in his position. It really helped me to know about other people going through what I went through and getting out happy, and I think he will also benefit from that. He won't go to a support group or anything and he doesn't know any other divorced dads (most of his friends are still single). I do plan to peruse the books before handing them over, just to make sure I think they're applicable and helpful. My sister said "giving a man a relationship book is like a man giving a woman a dieting book," which I thought was funny. But they're not relationship books, they're about helping him out of the trough. Showing him that more and more men are divorced with kids and there is a life after that. I hope it helps. 120215 ... unhinged not really knowing him, i would tend to agree with your sister. kinda like if you were obese and someone gave you a dieting book...ya know? If he's that bullish and close minded to therapy he might react that way. but then again if they are more like memoirs of people that have been through the same thing, maybe it would help. i became buddhist in part because of two memoirs of western people that had converted. having a friend in a similar situation definitely helps. *shrugs* you know him better than i do but i have had an almost absurd amount of experience trying to help people that aren't ready to be helped. you really can't do shit, as painful as that is, til the person accepts help. *sigh* 120215 ... dafremen No. Yes. Who wants to know? 120216 what's it to you? who go blather from