square_the_circle_chapter_20_
unhinged scott dumped clara and stewart on his friends at the beach that day and pulled his friend tom aside and explained that he needed them to leave town without giving tom too many details. by the next afternoon, clara and stewart left town and scott and kayla never heard from clara again.

when scott got back to the house, he told kayla what he had done. she sighed almost in relief. what she said to him that day about it burned into his mind. 'thank you scott. i used to get myself involved in people like her, tangled up in them and their dramatic little lives. people like that don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. that may seem harsh because clara is still young, but chances are she'll just be a demanding little bitch her whole life draining people of their time and love til she finally keels over. and i also learned that the only way to disentangle yourself from drama is to leave it all behind you. i left youngstown to leave drama like that behind me. i don't have the capacity to care about people like clara anymore scott. i just want the capacity to care about people like you; people that want to help me maybe even before i can help them.'

the days immediately following her big panic attack and clara's surprise visit were hard on both of them. seeing her again made scott realize how jealous he was of kayla's lust for clara and something else....maybe that kayla beat him to clara in the bathroom stall at the beginning of their trip together and then she admitted to making out with clara in reno right before she found out tim died. but that was a transgression that scott silently swallowed knowing the one he had committed against kayla was much worse. he had managed to get clara to leave town without her ever seeing kayla and he could usually turn the jealousy into horribly male fantasies of the two of them rolling around together on the bed him and kayla shared when they were in reno.

kayla was just physically exhausted. she didn't have panic attacks of that magnitude very often. it took a couple of days for her to work up the energy to walk farther than to the bathroom and occasionally downstairs to the table to eat the meals scott cooked for her. mostly they laid in their bed together talking. she was too physically exhausted to hide things from him so she divulged a lot to him about her illness during those days.

like how she couldn't have sex with people she loved because she had her virginity raped away from her after managing to hold on to it until she was almost 19 by someone she barely knew. or how she was pretty contrary and often times said the exact opposite of what she meant to see if people knew her well enough to call her on her bullshit. how she had a hard time communicating with someone if it wasn't written down in a letter or an email; that she closed up at the first sign of confrontation in others or anger in herself. that she blamed herself for everything that went wrong in her life, even the things she had no control over. that she left youngstown to start over, to get rid of her flaws, to be a better person.

some of her stories about youngstown were so ridiculous that they were hard for scott to believe. something in the tone of her voice assured scott that she wasn't lying though. he could see what she meant about leaving drama behind her. scott gathered from it all that she was too sweet to say no to the assholes her inferiority complex attracted and youngstown sounded like it was full of plenty of assholes ready to prey on her sweetness.

after about a week, kayla was getting comfortable with telling scott details that made her uncomfortable, things that upset her, things that were hard for her to say to people other than her very best friends. every morning they had what kayla called 'story time' for two hours. she would sit and tell him some of the painful things that had happened to her to make her dependent on painpills and assholes. after two hours, scott would make her stop talking about bad things and make her some lunch. after lunch, he made her redirect the focus of her stories on happy things. she never spent two full hours in the afternoon with 'story time.'

after his afternoon stories, they would cuddle up in the bed with the cat and watch pbs because they didn't have cable. scott was careful only to cuddle with her after some of the horrible things she had told him. she petted the cat while he petted her or sometimes the cat would get jealous of scott as he was fastly becoming kayla's cat and lay in between them so they would both pet and scratch him while they watched reading rainbow and the other young child afterschool offerings their pbs station played. episodes of arthur often were more entertaining and less sadistic than the depravity of the maury show.

scott was beginning to worry about his past. kayla had divulged so much to him since what he thought of as 'the incident' even down to the quote marks. he could feel her trust in him strengthen by how much more relaxed she was when he held her in bed. like she wasn't afraid that he was immediately going to try to get into her pants anymore. he needed to tell her some more of his truth before she started asking questions. that was only fair after all. 		060219
...
crOwl scott felt his arm grow numb with the weight of kayla's head. she was not asleep, more so engrossed in a rerun of "little house on the prairie." charles and caroline were meeting for the first time as children. it made him think of his past, his celebrated history of love affairs with many girls. his first kiss with julie at linda hanusek's family's house near rockaway beach at a fifth grade party. they were both ten and innocently swallowed first love. there were several more to come, namely at the pleasant hotel where randy bailey was having his birthday party. several girls and boys were invited and when parental chaperones mysteriously disappeared to drink the afternoon away in the lobby bar, the children melted into pools of pubescent inquisitiveness. they were discovered with the girls in a line under the tables. there were no horney boys with stiffened members proceeding to take turn after turn making out with many and varied partners, kissing, touching. these were curious boys discovering the opposite sex.

he loved to kiss and still does. at fifteen he united souls with a freshman college student from cape may. they were drawn like magnets to each other at a summer vacation and had to be pulled apart at their sunburned lips. they did not sleep lest they fail to see each other's face one moment. they sat huddled underneath a blanket and sat on the cool sands of a rainy drizzle.

to him, girls were objects of beauty. he wanted to observe all that made them who they were. he went to church camps and bestowed his inherent charms. wherever he went, he always found on things of the earth a warm luster furbished by a human hand. he knew it would never leave him. it would stay with him always. a presence close as breath, his only wealth. he was thrilled to be made of skin and ideas.

it was at a camp in upstate new york near syracuse. he journied solo into the bare woods and smoked, alone in his puerile imagination. suddenly there appeared a beautiful girl with glasses hiding amongst the trees watching him. they connect like cars of a train. their lips meet without a word being spoken. he did not even know her name. perhaps she was a wood nymph. he realized he was a boy who had magic.

girls called him on the phone. he got entangled in junior high deceit, schoolyard fights over one girl that two boys loved, and changed girlfriends like fashion.

once he sat in his bedroom alone and stared at the image of gypsies until he left his body and crossed the bridge into their world. that weekend he met the girl at a dance that lived with the gypsies. she invited him on her birthday to visit her family at their small farm near ithaca. they walked in the woods surrounding her home. her collie followed them. he laid her down in fields of wild flowers. they ate chocolate and saw visions.

he had not yet met paige.

memory composes a story of shames and amazements, scott mused.
he looked at kayla. she was crying.

"what's the matter, smoochie?" scott asked, snapping out of his reverie. 		060220
...
unhinged 'smoochie?' she scrunched up her face in disgust and stuck out her tongue at him, but eventually the nickname had the desired effect. she couldn't help but smile. 'eh, i don't know. i'm just feeling useless and cooped up lately. maybe we could go to the beach today?' kayla looked at him in that cute way, upward through downcast eyelashes like she was afraid he was going to say no.

'really?' scott jumped out of the bed to check the weather. she had always declined his invitations to go to the beach claiming no bathing suit. 'i thought you don't have a bathing suit.'

'i don't. i don't want to go into the water. i just want to sit on the beach. and maybe watch you surf or something.

'really?' he climbed up next to her on the bed and started kissing her face. she rolled away from him and threw her feet over the edge of the bed.

'i said i wanted to leave the house today.' she turned to look at him over shoulder and threw him one of her adorable smirks.

'you want to see me surf? i'm not sure if i'm good enough anymore to let you watch me.'

'oh please scott. i'm horrible in the water. i'm sure anything you could do would be amazing to me.' kayla walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. she initiated their contact more often now but it still mostly took him by surprise.

'yeah, well guys always say shit like that because they don't want to disappoint their women.' he squeezed her close to him as she started to squirm to punch him for his cliche. 'anyways, i'm just pysched you want to go to the beach. it's about time you met all my friends down there anyways. they keep asking about you. i just tell them you are sick.'

'well, you wouldn't be lying.' she was changing her shirt and once again scott had to struggle to keep his hands off of her. he wasn't used to being with a girl that was so skittish about physical affection. her multiple stories of varying degrees of rape also disturbed scott. he knew she wasn't very good at saying no so he just tried to control himself more now. 'do we have any sunscreen?' she asked him from the bathroom across the hall.

'sunscreen? it's probably only like 65 out there today.'

'it doesn't matter. i'm allergic to the sun. if it's sunny, i need sunscreen.'

'allergic to the sun? what the hell...i've never heard of that.'

she poked her head back into the common sight line between the bathroom and the bedroom and smiled at him. 'i get hives if i'm out in the sun too much. itchy sunburn is some of the most painful annoying shit ever. i guess i'll just wear a shirt with sleeves then.' she walked back into the bedroom to change her shirt again. 'i'm excited to get out of the house today. let's go.'

'yeah, maybe we can chill at the campfire they are more than likely having tonight. i'm excited too. i'll just borrow a board when we get there. let's get out of here.' he grabbed her hand and led her downstairs. they biked the couple of blocks to the beach together on scott's bike. on the way there, scott couldn't stop thinking about how he needed to start fessing up to some of his past to kayla. where could he begin? 		060224
...
crOwl scott pushed the bike to where kayla stood waiting for him. she smiled, put her hair behind her ears and got on. he stood behind her and peddled into the jasmine smelling air. they rode up santa clara to san nicholas, past past santa cruz to seaward. they saw people mowing their grass, dogs racing up to fences and barking their warnings, children drawing with chalk on cement sidewalks. they saw avocado trees, their heavy branches hanging low, tall palm trees scratching at the bluest of skies. it always freaked kayla out when they merged with traffic. cars whizzed by them, sometimes so close that all she could do was close her eyes until it was over. scott was methodical and safe. when he was alone, he would show off by weaving in and out of them, but with kayla he stuck to the safe side, keeping his precious cargo well protected. he loved to feel her hair tickle his chest and face and when they would stop at the red light, kayla would lean back into him and it was the only place he wanted to be.

when they reached san jon, the road that led to the beach, scott relaxed. he peddled hard and then drifted over the sand strewn blacktop, past an occasional jogger and dogwalker, swaying a little to the left and then the right on the bike path through the dunes which made kayla giggle. he whispered, "i love you," into her ear and gazed through clumps of pampas grass out at the sea and hoped for waves. it looked good, not too big. maybe even a little morning glass still remaining. the wind was calm.

when they reached the west end of pierpont, scott stopped at the beginning row of swanky beach houses and squinted into the sun searching for his usual group of friends. he could see what looked like a tourist family. their umbrella stuck in the sand. a playpen for the baby resting underneath. there was a lone girl, probably a waitress, laying on a single towel nearby, small white earplugs attached to a nano. a bit further over was a yuppy couple reading the wall street journal, sipping coffee from take-out cups. and then closer to the water, he saw his surfbuddy tom, twinfin under his arm, emerging from the surf. riley, his girlfriend, sat with meg and aaron on a mexican blanket. his board was topside down in the sand to keep the sun from melting the wax.

"there they are," scott said.
"where?" kayla asked. scott pointed. he stepped off the bike and helped kayla and then propped it up unlocked against the block seawall. they stepped out of their shoes and carried them down to the group.

"what's up guys?" aaron yelled, turning towards them.
"hey, aaron!" scott returned. "this is kayla." scott pushed his arm out as if he was presenting a princess.

meg, her long, sandy hair catching the sun in all the right places, shielded her eyes. she wore a bikini top and shorts past her knees. she had beads and hemp around her neck and wrists. there was an escher piece on her left arm. she had freckles and green eyes. "hello!" she said, standing. she shook kayla's hand and smiled as if kayla was the only person in the world. riley, similar to meg, except her hair was choppy and black turned and rose on her knees. she waved and smiled and then looked back down at their game of dominoes and made her move. aaron wore a long sleeve oxford shirt over his boardshorts. his hair was long and wet. his face was angular and clean-shaven and he was tall. kayla thought he looked kind of like a bird, but that was a good thing.

"nice to finally meet you," he said, reaching for her hand. "scott's told us a lot about you. that's crazy about what happened in reno."

"yeah," kayla said, looking out to the distant horizon as if tim was somewhere out there and then back into his narrow eyes. "it was an adventure."

tom came up and set his board down.

"hey tom," scott said.
"what's up? is this kayla?"
"it's her!"
"a pleasure..." tom said, offering her a wet hand. he was a bit shorter than aaron and had some heavy stubble on his chin. kayla reached forth and shook his hand, smiling.

she felt warm even though there were goose bumps on her arms. this is what she wanted. 		060226
...
unhinged they all seemed so nice to kayla. they instantly accepted her into their little group because she was with scott. it reminded her of sammy's friends back in youngstown. it made her twinge with remembered pain and guilt. scott gently squeezed her elbow when he saw it and she just laid her head on his arm.

a tanned, beautiful redhead in one of those paradoxically expensive hippy-looking swimsuits came over to the blanket kayla and scott were sharing with his friends. 'hi scott. you haven't been around here lately.' she put her left hand on her left hip and used her right hand to shelter her eyes from the sun as she peered down at him sitting on the blanket.

scott nervously moved away from kayla. 'oh. hi rielle. kayla has been sick. but she feels better today.' scott reached over and drew kayla in closer to him.

'oh; that's nice.' rielle flashed kayla a painfully fake smile. 'if you need a board to go out on later, i can lend you one of mine.' she sauntered back down the beach towards her friends like a predatory cat.

riley snorted and meg rolled her eyes. 'looks like she's on your nuts even right in front of your girlfriend,' riley piped up loud enough for rielle to hear as she trounced away. scott threw a handful of sand at her face and hissed at her.

'shut it riley. i don't want to encourage her.'

aaron looked up from the game of dominoes, 'then you shouldn't talk to her dude. you know chicks like that. the only thing she will understand is the silent treatment. as long as you talk to her, she will think there is hope.'

'no i really don't know chicks like that. i told her i wasn't interested cause i had a girlfriend and she's still hitting on me right in front of my girlfriend. but maybe you are right; maybe i should just stop talking to her.' scott squeezed kayla.

tom jumped in the game of dominoes on the blanket and riley and aaron started to wail in protest. 'you guys know i hate stupid dominoes. it's almost time for dinner anyway. way to get to the waves so late scott. high tide is about to come in anyways and lowtide doesn't come back around til too late. you guys want to eat with us?' tom cast a glance towards scott and kayla and scott passed the glance on to kayla. she nodded as she looked at her feet. 'ok good; i hope you guys aren't vegetarians.'

tom took some hamburgers out of a well iced cooler and meg and riley dragged kayla out to get some wood. they made dinner and sat around joking and laughing. as the sun went down, they kept the fire going and did all the things people their age should do around a campfire at the beach. somehow a guitar was unveiled and there was plenty of beer in the coolers along with plenty of food.

at some point people started to doze off. aaron threw some sand on the fire 'come on everyone; we don't want another one of those beach cops to give us a vagrancy ticket for sleeping on the beach.' slowly everyone woke up and began to gather up their things.

kayla and scott drunkenly stumbled towards the bike. eventually, they found their way home.

'did you have fun today kayla?'

'yeah; riley, meg, tom, and aaron are really cool. i wish i would have got to see you surf though.' 		060301
...
crOwl scott laughed when she said that, but not because it was funny, but because it made him happy. a spilling forth as water, out of a fissure in the rock. he walked over to the stereo and put in a cd. at_the_drive_in.

"i'll go tomorrow at dawn. would you come with me?"

kayla smiled and lifted one eyebrow.
"really?"
"yes."
"seriously?"
"yeah."
are you sure?"
"fucking right."
"dude?"
"dude."
"i'll come."
"ohyeah? when?"

she smirked and made a naughty X with her fingers.

"tomorrow morning, you freak."

he slept with her that night and did things to her that she liked. they both snored. she woke first and woke him with a surprise. i can't tell you what it is because it's a surprise, but i think you know what she did. he made coffee. she cut up a fruit salad. they read yahoo news and wrote in their blogs.

kayla wrote her manuscript. she was at square_the_ circle_chapter_1_.

scott wrote a new chapter to his online fictional novel, entitled vier_seizoenen.

when it was time to go, scott fetched his board from the small one car gararge attached to the house. he waxed it with sexwax.

"let's go." 		060301
...
unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_21_ 060413
what's it to you?
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