jacqueline klairchen I've always wished that this was my first name. 000902 ... twiggie Sometimes I get upset on certain days, and I can't figure out why my emotions are strung all over the place. Tuesday was one of those days, and just now I'm realizing why I spent all that time crying. Almost four years, it's been that long. Again the question runs through my mind, why were you taken so young? You did nothing you shouldn't have, and even though I know death doesn't choose people for whether or not they did something wrong, I can't understand...why it had to be you. So 2 days ago, it was your 16th birthday. Happy sweet 16 Jackie, I just want you to know that I miss you. 001214 ... twiggie i keep getting this sick feeling. it used to only last for a second, sometimes two, then it'd be gone. i'd want to feel it again for some reason, but god i don't want to anymore. i've never felt it for longer than a few seconds and here i am feeling it with every letter i type. i keep getting the flashbacks. noticing that your hair was so thin, that wasn't how you did your hair. they had to shave your head. i realized that after. why were you wearing all that makeup? you never wore makeup. your lips were pulling apart and they were only held together by some unnatural thing...stitches, glue, i don't know. i wasn't even there for a minute. and your eyes..i could see a slit of them. they weren't completely hidden under your eyelids. but they were vacant. i kept watching your chest to see if you would just breathe, just breathe and then it would be all over. i thought you were wearing your brown leather jacket. but you weren't. some brown shirt that was see through, and a shirt under it. the coffin was white. it had some gold accents. i didn't even get as far as outside...just before the doors...i almost collapsed...i was with christine, and ashes. i made them cry. i couldn't help it i just couldn't take it anymore. our teachers were waiting outside, they were our angels that week. they comforted us. but it wasn't enough. i cried so much. i didn't think i had anymore tears left from thursday. You weren't even twelve for three months. 010202 ... twiggie should i feel bad or lucky that i forgot about yesterday? ...this is the 2nd year that's happened. somehow i think it's protecting me...but maybe not. maybe i'm just insensitive. today and tomorrow are anniversaries (i don't like calling them that, but for lack of a better word...) in themselves. i promise myself i will try to not come to this thread again until next february. 010220 what's it to you? who go blather from