i_feel_so_fucking_dumb just a kid for several reasons, I guess -- i like this guy which is ridiculously normal, it happens all the time, he's amazing, I spend too much time hanging around him, i live to see his smile, play cards with him and shit, talk about whatever, it's cool obviously he doesn't like me, so I get all bloody depressed about it, etc. It's the same as every other time it's happened before, and I can analyse it to death, and see what I'm doing to myself, and I don't know how to stop it and it bothers me. because I can be rational and I can think and I can make sense of things and I can understand my feelings and I can't do a fucking thing about them or maybe I can, but I don't know if I know how, and I don't know if I'm trying etcetera. -- I feel dumb because there are a lot of smart people around me and it's honestly awesome, but I don't like not knowing where I stand even though I suspect it's going to be fine.. it just scares me that there are so many really really smart people because I honestly didn't know there were (because I hadn't met any) until a few months ago and I didn't know there were lots and lots and lots until a few weeks ago and I'm still getting used to it but I wouldn't have it any other way, it just makes me feel small because I am -- and there's this other guy who I convinced to switch into one of my classes. I don't know why. I don't want to see him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to talk to him. except that I do,a little.. I don't like him anymore, he's just frustrating. I don't need him around anymore because I've got much smarter friends to talk to... he's just irrelevant. but it's not that big of a deal, whatever it's really just that I'm exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do and I'm still finding excuses to be unhappy from time to time (even though I'm always relatively happy-seeming, because I'm never really that unhappy) and that's fairly fucking dumb 060923 ... just a kid you know, logically I'm a fairly intelligent person who is probably going to do quite well, if what I've managed so far is any indication whatsoever. and I'll never be the next _insertfamouspersonhere_, but maybe I could conceivably end up somewhere I'm happy and doing something cool... I guess I'm insecure I mean I am insecure. but then, I always have been, and I don't know how not to be doesn't know 060923 ... o accept your feelings 1) identify them (i feel sad, i feel scared, etc.) 2) accept them (it's okay that i feel sad) 3) enjoy the reduction of suffering. try not to start fighting your feelings again. 060924 ... Soma eye veal sofa king we todd did. 060924 ... sab little dodo watching the self made phoenix soar 060924 ... just a kid 1) so i was at a meeting of awesome people and they're totally not me, and I totally didn't belong there, and it was really interesting and upbeat and cool and I felt like shit later 2) I found out they have a lot of interesting reading material about gender identity and stuff, so I'll probably go back and read that sometime, so that's cool... I'm happy about that. (in the sense that I'm not a trans person either, but the subject fascinates me) i feel like i'm putting disclaimers on shit.. "I'm normal, dammit!" non-normal people look like they have more fun, though. 3) I also don't understand what it means when someone casually says "I'm bi".. I mean, does it mean that he's got a girlfriend, but he used to have a boyfriend? That he's just cool like that? I'm wondering what sort of trains of thought are involved there, or what the sentence means. Mostly because i'm not bi, but I'm not not bi. I'm mostly confused, but I don't even know if it matters. 4) I think I'm done ranting. 060928 what's it to you? who go blather from