back_and_forth_and_on_and_on Piso Mojado torn apart by my own decisions and indecisions the force of the forever onward forwardness of the world i just want to go to bed and sleeep 051201 ... Ouroboros He asked me if I still feel lonely, in a specific sense, even with a loving partner of one year, and I said yes, yes of course, the worst kind, touching in the same room and still miles apart. But the other kind is also there, the general ache of lonely and lost. I've been hanging out with depression, suicidal ideation, poor body image and eating habits, self-deprecating thoughts, etc for 5 years. 5 years! When does it end? When does the black ache dissolve? When will I no longer curl up in a ball and be beaten by the voice in my head that tells me how bad I am? 080316 ... anythingbutcryptic sometimes i think i think too much. 080316 ... Lemon_Soda Sometimes I think you see too much. 080316 ... anythingbutcryptic when is too much too much, then? 080317 ... Lemon_Soda When you see more than you can comfortably handle, then your seeing to much. If all you see depressess you, consider how you feel may be painting a hue over the world better suited to your tempurement. I suggest stepping out of your head completely, and I don't mean drugs. 080317 ... Ouroboros never stopping never changing 080721 ... Syrope i want to be myself but not by myself 080722 ... OSI Be yourself by yourself Drive yourself a little bit faster Keep yourself to yourself Save yourself, Sure you will, sure you will, Sure. 080722 ... unhinged *sigh* my heart hurts a lot right now. and rationally, i'm tired of this. the back and forth and on and on. weary. the belief that i will be the crazy cat lady getting stronger everyday. just what is it that makes chemistry between two people anyways? and when i first met him i thought 'hey, i could have this guy's babies.' considering how i've vowed never to have my own children, it was a suprising and strange sentiment. wanted to move in the woods to somewhere secluded and make an army of musical babies with him. but, i'm like a sister to him. and now he has a girl that he would like to have babies with. that makes him smile with his whole face. that 'changes his life in little ways' and once again my girlish hopes of that perfect man and that perfect family are dashed. and it's really almost borderline too painful. i remember when i made sam smile like that. when he walked across two towns to tell me he loved me. and i've been aching for that movietale kind of romance ever_since. for five years, i've been aching. and it is the kind of ache that is only getting worse with time. maybe the next person i fall in_love with, i'll tell them about it. how, why, when i love them. there's always this voice in the back of my head that tells me it wouldn't make a difference though. 080722 ... acrs me_and_you_and_everyone_we_know 080722 what's it to you? who go blather from