and_as_the_hours_pass endless desire funny the things you remember. i remember when i first learned what "Time" trully was. good ol Time. it was the night my papa left ((which i seem to be blathing about a lot lately)). i spent my early childhood behind a thick curtain the 'real world' could not penetrate, even if it had tried. it continued for much of my life but my first taste of any sorrow was that night. after he walked out that door, i turned to my mother for some type of direction or comfort. she was sobbing uncontrollably. if it hadn't been for her tears, i would have barely understood that anything was wrong. my 68 months alive had not prepared me for this kind of hurt. i asked what any kindergartener would ask--i asked to be held. she told me to go and lie on her bed and that she would be there in a few minutes. to be able to sleep in bed with my parent(s) was a rare occurance, and always brought me much excitement. the mood was different this time around though, and i only wanted to be comforted in my confusion. i walked down the hallway, expecting to soon be followed by my mother. crawling under the yellow comforter, i sat facing the clock and explained to myself, 'soon mom will be off the phone, soon mom will stop crying, soon mom will come and lie down with me and i will go to sleep, and life will be better in the morning.' life was always better in the morning. a light glow from the hallway light cut into the darkness. i chose to watch the clock. the digital clock. clocks always interested me. i learned a lot that night. i learned that the first number moved much more quickly then the others. and only reaches 9. i learned that the next number seemed to move with much less frequency. and only reached 5. i learned that the last number rarely changed. and reached all the way to 12 before starting over. i watched that clock late into the night. i cracked the mystery. i grasped the concept of time. the secrecy lost its entire affect all in one night. and the whole time all i wanted was my mother's embrace. i hate to imagine how long i was waiting for her arms for an explanation or just her presence. years later, living in our yellow house miles and miles away, i took that clock and i absolutely smashed it and cried my eyes out. on october 3rd. i hate october 3rd. i hate october because i think of that first month and that long october and the damn clock that taught me so much more than just time. that clock taught me what to expect from life. from loneliness. from longing. i threw that clock away. i am always scared of the clock's twin. there was one on each bedside table and i always fear i killed the wrong one. and right now, i gaze at its twin and i pray that i was right. i pray that i have not been living with that clock for so many years. the red numbers that haunt me oh and_as_the_hours_pass 030612 ... User24 entrancing relation of events 031014 ... three words introducing and_as_the_hours_pass nose_fire_kerosene_dance 060812 what's it to you? who go blather from