something_more SuicidalAngel I want something more than the the expectations in life. I'm so bored with being content. It feels like I'll never feel anything more. I'm easily bored yet entwined in fear of change. I want everything around me to be the same and me to venture off on my own. I want to explore and learn and be wanted. I want to feel exception. I feel as though I've been passed on from someone elses' bordom and left to attach myself onto someone new. I feel I have nothing more to offer and I deserve this as punishment for what I'm lacking. This waiting makes me sick, yet the thought of leaving terrifies me. I dont want to leave and then return to the ashes of what was. I myself cannot prevent change nor can an army of millions just like me. It would be so dull. I'm paralized in the thought of losing something along the way. Everything drops off one by one and I have yet to gain anything but sadness and regret. Alone in my concious I fight caliginous thoughts but I mask them knowing that no one can do anything but me. I realise I am not alone but how do I learn to deal with this? How can I be optimistic when this life is so monotonous? I felt what I thought was happiness but it was only a blanket for this listlessness. I'm so thirsty for excitment. The kind that isn't followed by meloncholy. I'm just seeking something more than this life has to offer. The sociatal norms are sickening yet nothing sounds more apealing to me at this point ... and it makes me sad. 030402 ... cube I thought you were going to change your nic - might I suggest "pampered_princess"? ³ 030402 ... minnesota_chris hmmm sounds like you want brain exercise... have you thought about a community ed class, maybe learn Spanish or French or yoga? Whatever you do... don't find a stupid boyfriend, you'll only feel more bored. 030402 ... SuicidalAngel LoL thats kinda funny. I'm actually talking to someone right now.. Well yeah that was sort of in the midst of a panic attack. I'm better now. I'm in a step arobics class at the gym. I haven't gone in a few days so my body was probably like "entertain me please". And I do want to change my name.. I'm still thinking. 030402 ... minnesota_chris ooh ooh TAE BO! You could stay in shape and learn to kick someone's ass. I KNOW you'd enjoy that. 030402 ... SuicidalAngel Actually I was going to take a kickboxing class but there was too much jumping and squating. Two things I feel stupid doing! 030402 ... SuicidalAngel I also do yoga but I haven't done that in a few weeks now.. whoops! 030402 ... Bizzar It doesnt seem fair in a way. The way they describe love in the movies. It makes me think that something like that actualy exists out there. Makes me feel like all these guys of my past were never good enough cause they werent like the ones in the movies. Im sorry guys. Sorry for never giving the real world a chance. Im sorry Tom, Im sorry that I expect you to be something youre not. I guess Im selfish searching for my 'perfect man' when deep down I know no matter what goes wrong, no matter what silly little things you do to piss me off, that Ive already found him. He's you. 030422 what's it to you? who go blather from