the_pain_of_loneliness unhinged what i've put myself through for the past year cause i can't stand to be alone *sigh* 101110 ... Strideo never found the pain of loneliness to be even half as sharp as the pain of rejection. I'm not talking about a woman at the bar or that cutie behind the check stand who wouldn't give out their phone number either. that isn't pleasant but it's okay, they don't know me and I am asking a relative stranger to take a chance. it's someone you know and love who turns their back on you. who rejects you and no longer makes you feel loved and wanted. it hits you in the gut hard and you walk around with this ache inside. sometimes you want to cry but nothing comes out. at least loneliness offers a chance at freedom. a chance to build upon yourself and improve. a chance to distract yourself with new projects and explorations. at least in loneliness there can be hope but rejection is usually where hopes are crushed. ... 101111 ... Doar oh man... i have no words.. . 101113 ... birdmad too true 101115 ... squishyfish squishyfish 101116 ... unhinged i've been sitting on my thoughts on this for awhile. my life seems to be too busy to delve into writing the way i used to; but i've been thinking about this. for me, the pain of loneliness is different from the pain of rejection. rejection is more like the pain of a tattoo. it hurts a lot when it happens but it heals pretty quickly. don't get me wrong; i've had more than enough rejection in the past year, some of it on a yo_yo rollercoaster path so i'm constantly being pushed out then pulled back in. i've cried lots of bitter tears that had a hard time coming out. but rejection doesn't leave the same deep down kind of lingering for me. although, i suppose i do hold some resentment for the people that have rejected me. but the whole thing doesn't seem hopeless and never_ending. it's not something i think or talk to myself about. (too much) if someone rejects me, i try not to let them continue to waste my time, energy, heart. loneliness is like the arthritis in my shoulder. it is a deep constant nagging pain that no matter what i do seems to always be there. i used to say i didn't understand why people stay in abusive relationships, that i would rather be alone. but, turns out, i'm not so realized. i keep using the excuse that he doesn't know or mean what he does to me, but that's weak. he does. he knows he manipulates me, intentionally says hurtful things. but i would rather be with him than be alone so i forgive him. and because i'm avoidant to a pathological degree, i don't even tell him how he made me feel in the first place. i go through the stupid assinine shitty cycle over and over cause i do not want to be alone. there is a deep lingering ache to that. chronic pain sucks. 101205 ... foyoy foyoy 110930 what's it to you? who go blather from