iv_pushpins_yummyc_zoe_too_alive frAnk when are the times you feel too alive? 020310 ... yummychuckle hrm... I'm probably not supposed to be able to pinpoint exact moments, or have it scheduled, but it seems that I feel my most jubilant when i am in downtown Kona at night (open mic night usually), or during the summer. Its as if i make myself a set of rules...like a structured time when i can feel happy and free and be extroverted Zoe. Or Jamie (during the summer)... speaking of which, i remember when i was little I used to make this strange rules for myself (and my friend Eve and I discussed this and she used to/still does this. ah. interesting.)...Like to keep myself safe. I would say, "if I touch these two walls at the same time while making this exact face, monsters can get me. But if I don't, I am safe." or "if I make it to the driveway before I hear the screen door from the house slam, nothing will jump out and snatch me from the shadows" (this one was always at night)... but thats getting off subject... anyway. Me when I am downtown: I am bubbly, passionate, social, and outgoing. I will walk up to strangers and get to know them. or ask them to marry me, or to give me all their socks (usually whilst holding a squirt gun to their head). I can go onstage and do whatever I want without feeling embarrassed. ---unless a poet comes up after me and happens to perform ten times better than i know I ever could---(that happened a month ago) its like I am pure adrenaline and I just want to get up and do something--anything as long as I am moving and making friends and smiling. I feel too alive. People are dying and starving and suffering, and here I am having so much fun. Which confuses me because...I DO have all these opportunities--i am young and free and a member of a middle class family in America whose race is hardly discriminated against-- but I don't do anything about it. I don't know whether I should die for all these suffering people, or live for them. Should I feel guilty about enjoying myself? or should I feel guilty about not enjoying life? I just feel too selfish once its all over and i am sitting at home jotting everything down in one of my journals. Another time...is Summer in maryland. I am there for only a couple/few months so I want to make the most of it, but it I lose a friend it isn't a huge deal because...the time is so short. why mourn?? Its only 2 months to suck up strength and joy for when I come back to Hawaii, so I allow myself to be wreckless with enthusiasm. ---sometimes I screw that up, though-- (see: all the stupid little fights I had with Logan) anyway, its kind of like if a doctor told you you had 2 months left to live. You would get out there and go crazy. but towards the end of your time, you would get afraid and sad and ...you would...die. Thats what happens with me every summer. the schoolyear is stable, mostly just this droning depression with little sparks of happiness. anyway. too alive basically means too happy...with too much to do. when i am busy and glad I am. 020310 what's it to you? who go blather from