tin_girl misstree is shutting up now for real many moons ago, when i was still a human being, when i was still a poet to my soul, when i still Felt things against my will... i had just spoken to one of my two loves, the one that opened himself to me, the one that was there when we needed eachtoher, the one that would trade emotional lowblows with me whenwever we could stand it... i had explained to him that i didn't do well in relationships about a week previous, i had bucked and shouted at being leashed... when i spoke to him in the alley that day, he explained that he needed something more solid, a creature less wild... he had found someone who was willing to be his devoted pet... he didn't say it as such, but i knew i had lost a focus of such deep caring that we wounded eachother just to feel, that this creature beyond my imaginings, was forever out of my reach... i was shattered... i was holding it in so very well, there was no animal wailing, there were no salty torrents... there was just me and an imploding gut and a lump i couldn't swallow past and forever echoing in my ears and everything was holding its breath in sympathy... i was hard, i was evolved, things shouldn't hurt this much... i was keeping my head high so i wouldn't look down and see the pools of blood... i was burying my loved one and using every once of energy to be stoic about it... when an acquaintance wandered by, squatted down in front of me, and gave me a tiny confetti heart... i looked at him quizzically... "for you, tin girl..." and everything that i was using to keep myself together shattered, and forces i didn't know i contained came crashing forth... 040311 ... misstree stupid autofill thing... not shutting up... never shutting up... 040311 ... white_wave they are too kind. they never tell me to shut up or shut down. they never tell me i talk too much to my face. but behind my back they do. i talk as much as i do, because my ears fail me, and sometimes i simply cannot listen... 040311 ... marked . 040312 ... misstree i spent yesterday consumed by apathy. the only things i managed to Feel were mild curiosity, sometimes slightly scented with approval or disapproval, and boredom which created anger. i wrote out this account as a way of trying to feel something. i printed everything i had written about caesar, intending to give it to him, to make myself feel fear, and i failed. even at a friend's, having philosophical discussions, nothing. sitting at a bar all night, mild anger/annoyance, but nothing. when the playmate left my house i was glaring at him fit to make him burst into flame, for no particular reason than i didn't feel any reason not to. he was a bit upset, and just before he left, i went downstairs and made slightest amends and talked to him. passed out. this morning i woke up and went into tears three times for no reason. i don't know what my head is doing, and it kind of scares me. i don't know where my brain will go, and i have a goddess in town for a night. she always sees me in the weirdest states, and this is definitely a strange one. tin_girl found her heart at just the wrong moment again, it seems. 040312 what's it to you? who go blather from