warning_labels ROFL Just for laughs: New Liquor Warning Labels Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: the crumsu! mpten of alcahol may mack you tihn k you can tipe real gode. 040830 ... dudeinanigloo Redundant Instruction Labels Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. The following are actual labels on common consumer goods throughout North America... --------------------------------------- 1. On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) 2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) 3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) 4. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?) 8. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) 9. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) 10. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) 11. On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use on a space station.) 12. On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) 13. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) 14. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) 15. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...) 16. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.) --------------------------------------- 040830 ... Deomis "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven. "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup. "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a tiramisu box. "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer. "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee. "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer. "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone. "Harmful if swallowed" -- On a fishing lure. "Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire." -- On a smoke detector. "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product." -- On a bottle of drain cleaner. 040830 what's it to you? who go blather from