redtree_innerviews_unhinged redTree what are you living for? what would you die for? what would you kill for? 080505 ... unhinged currently i am living for making kids smile, veggie plates at the persian restaurant around the block (falafil, hummus, tabouleh, grilled veggies, rice, pita .... i'm obsessed) playing my violin (it feels so good to love playing my violin again) yoga, meditation, spring. actually, lately i have been bursting with aliveness. my life, how i live it and why seems perfect for the first time in the wake of my triumphant performance last night. all the work, study, schooling has brought me to this point in my life where it is making beautiful fruit. there was a time i thought that might never happen, so i'm overjoyed that it has. school beat the joy out of music for me, and walking away seemed like a moment of weakness back then, but in retrospect it was the strongest thing i've ever done in my life. there isn't any struggle anymore. beauty and love don't have to struggle. and i think i don't struggle anymore because i seriously devoted myself to my religious pursuits which has given me an avenue to channel all my love into. i drifted and floated and was lost when i didn't know what to do with it all. you always ask the most apt questions kevin. cause really, i'm living for everything right now. it's such an amazing feeling to feel this alive and awake. i would die for people to be more aware. for people to know and see how they effect others. how perpetuating a cycle of nastiness doesn't just effect others but yourself too. that everyone suffers so we should just help each other out instead of beating each other down. i would like to give the standard buddhist moral correct response and say i wouldn't kill. under any circumstances. but i could think of a few people that i would kill for. my brother, my niece and nephew, if i had to, was forced, i would take a life to save theirs. but that said, i try to let bugs live and even try some days to be a vegan to let everything in my world have a chance to live. for the first time in a long time, spring is inspiring blooming IN me instead of making me feel more horrible for feeling like i want to die. which i think i can honestly say has everything to do with my yoga and meditation practices. 080506 ... redTree you have been chosen as the world's new super hero, but you can possess only one power that you must select from the following two choices... 1. the ability to fly 2. the ability to be invisible which one do you choose? why? what will you call yourself? 080704 ... unhinged since i already feel like i have the power of invisibility, i'd rather be able to fly. i like to get around with my own two feet anyways....flying would surely cut down on travel time. no more waiting for the bus ;-) my name would be super auntie....for sure. 080704 ... redTree what do you mean being a "libra" about money? 080821 ... unhinged i got this awesome astrology book called the darkside zodiac by stella hyde recently. it is pretty much what it sounds like but also awesome blurbs about how you treat your toothpaste tube based on your sun sign, what your favorite deadly sin is, what criminal activities you should engage in based on your sign, your incompatability with the rest of the zodiac...i learned some enlightening things from that book. like the part of the reason why my dad and my brother fight like dogs is cause my dad is an aries and my brother is a leo and aries and leo are always trying to dominate each other. add to that the whole father/son thing and the years of fighting at the dinner table make more sense. or that my ascendant is aries which doesn't make me wishy washy like most libras. and to your original question, in astrological circles libras are extreme hedonists that must be surrounded by beauty. in stella's way of putting it, we don't care if we plunge ourselves into debt as long as it's pretty fun debt. which is pretty much my financial life right now to a tee. 'living beyond one's means' is what some might call it. i just call it the fact that i refuse to smoke cheap cigarettes or eat any more ramen or buy my face soap from the drugstore or buy my underwear from walmart. i like pretty, nice things and i have the credit to pay for it. actually, if it wasn't for taxes and needing a new computer last year, my debt might not be so bad. many people have tried to explain to me how credit works when i say this, but i know how it works. i know i will end up paying more for these things this way. but i don't care. *shrugs* we live in the instant gratification age. i take immense gratification in fancy underwear. so sue me. ;-) 080821 ... redTree how could one become your cuddle bug? 080822 ... unhinged well, if you happen to be a small child related to me somehow or another, it's not hard at all to become my cuddle bug. just by the virtue of your unconditional_love and inherently cuddly nature, you would wake up early knowing i was sleeping in the guest room, confused when i was completely covered head to toe with blankets and pillows, and then giggle in delight when i throw back the covers 'i hear you. come to bed with auntie nicole. it's still too early.' you would scramble up under the covers til we were face to face, so close under the blankets my breath was on you and smile and smile and smile. maybe you'd reach out a little hand and touch me or pat me. cause that's what cuddle bugs do. and let me squeeze squeeze squeeze you without complaint or squirm, and rest your little face on my shoulder. adult cuddle bugs are harder to find. they generally deteriorate into lust bugs. someone that can hold me and kiss me and touch me without begging for anything more is a cuddle bug. someone that hugs me even when i want to let go is a cuddle bug. someone that let's me talk when i'm afraid without telling me to buck up or be quiet is a cuddle bug. cuddle bugs are attracted to the innocence still left in me and lap it up like bees to pollen content to make their honey from what i am willing to give. yeah, adult ones are very hard to find. 080822 ... redTree this upcoming trip to the islands seems to becoming at a good time in your life...am i right? 081206 ... unhinged i'm not going to the islands, the islands are coming to me. but this year has been a hard one. i will be very glad to hug and cuddle my little brother again. 17 days and counting..... (and the way my job has been going *crossedfingers* i may actually be able to get out there again this year or convince my brother to meet me half way in california or something) 081206 ... unhinged (what did i say that made you think i was going out there?) 081206 ... c r 0 w l i thought you mentioned it in an obscure post but then after searching a bit i couldn't find it, so i guess it was just a feeling i had. but i'm glad to hear he's coming to visit you... 081206 ... unhinged he always comes home for christmas whether he wants to or not. kind of a parental guilt/parental buying of the airline ticket sort of thing. my mom's mom was always big on the family being together for the holidays, so my mom is too. getting older, i'm glad my mom is like that now. when i was my brother's age, it was a royal pain in my ass. 081206 ... redTree what are the top five events of your life this year? 081209 ... unhinged the continual snow_emergency of last winter the asshole i met at the beginning of the summer moving into my own place my symphony audition the success of my job (i have 45 students a week now; and my first student recital) 081209 ... redTree your instruction attainment is impressive...congratulations! i remember seeing an amazing children's recital from a suzuki school. are you involved with this method of teaching or something different? where do you do the instruction? what has been the highlight of your year of teaching? 081210 ... unhinged the method i use to teach is an amalgamation of several methods that i learned in my time in the violin pedagogy program at uwm in conjunction with the string academy there. (in an attempt to cover my googleable tracks i will not list the website here) i do use the suzuki books but not the method perse. i think there are some serious drawbacks to the suzuki method, the most damaging being a lot of suzuki students don't learn how to read music properly. but the method i teach was invented by the founder of the string academy and includes suzuki, paul rolland, and herself. she has many very successful students, one of the most famous being josh bell, one of the biggest current household names in violin. he recorded the violin parts for the movie 'the red violin.' from a teaching perspective, my time at uwm was great. i owe a lot of my success as a teacher to the pedagogy program there. every child that i made smile this year is my favorite accomplishment. whether it was because they did something they didn't think they could do, or because the sound of the violin enchanted them, the fact that i could bring that to them seems like the best part of my job. but as far as more specific instances go, it's a toss up between two in particular. some of my students, especially the young ones that haven't been corrupted by a method, have serious composition impulses and/or are very intuitive about music. some of them apply concepts with little or no encouragement. my student john is one of those kids. he is only six years old, but i have been teaching him for over two years now. little john is a music teacher's dream. i taught him one major scale and he applied it to the rest of the strings on his violin. when he was four. he can carry a tune to the point that his mother bought him a slide whistle and he started playing his violin songs on slide whistle. he mentioned in a lesson that he wanted to write a song, so i officially assigned him to write me a song. i figured it would be a short ditty. he came back with an entire page of manuscript paper filled. he named it john's notes. his mother helped him a little bit, but knowing john most of it was his work. he gave me a photocopy of it. it is currently hanging on my fridge. my first student recital was also a highlight. it was a joint recital with a couple other violin teachers i'm friends with at the store. it was also a halloween themed costume recital. once again little john took the cake when he dressed up as a farmer, complete with cowboy boots and a straw hat, to play the song 'happy farmer.' coincidentally, i'm sure i was more nervous than my students, but i was extremely proud of all of them. while i would definitely like to perform more, teaching is an amazing job most of the time. 081210 ... redTree i loved the story about john. he sounds like he will be an ongoing thrill ride...if possible i'd love to see a photo of his "notes" that's on your fridge... what's your favorite thing about your own place? 081211 ... unhinged in his lesson yesterday i played him a chunk of the piece that i've been working on. he got all excited. 'you were shaking your hand a lot.' and then i showed him the music and he looked at the spots that when up really high and did a hilarious impression of high notes on the violin. 'look at all the slurs mom!' being a six year old boy, he's hard to reign in sometimes especially since he has a wicked stubborn streak, but his mother is very involved and i think we all have fun. which is my ultimate goal. when john first started taking lessons with me, he flat out told me he didn't want to play the violin but he wanted to play the drums. his parents wanted him to learn how to read music. but for well over a year now, there has been no mention of the drums *grin* i won't promise since i have a hard time getting things done as it is and i have some christmas craftiness to attend to, but i will try to send you a picture of john's notes. one of the biggest ways his mom helped was to write most of it down for him. but the first line is in his note writing. and i think it will stay on my fridge for a super long time. my favorite thing about my place is simply that it's mine, all mine. i need my own space where i don't need to worry about disturbing roommates or being disturbed by roommates. i am a weirdo, self admittedly. currently there is a lot of banging going on in the empty unit next door, but *shrugs* the other favorite thing about my place is it's a vintage unit with an old_fashioned ice box (!) and milk chute in the kitchen, a big skylight in the bathroom (i love natural light in the bathroom) and free radiator heat. it's kinda tiny; it's a studio. but it's all the space i need for just me. and in the mean time, i'm also saving money and paying off my bills. and for the first winter in three years, i am warm in my place. with my bad shoulder, that is a blessing. the house i lived in for the past two winters was an old drafty beast that me and my roommate didn't want to pay to heat. oh you did it again kevin. ask the little peacock about herself and she can't shut up. 081211 ... unhinged (and i teach at a local music store where i rent studio space; with a nearly full schedule i pay as much rent at the store as i do for my apartment, but the reason i have so many students is because people come to the store just for lessons cause it's been in the area for 35 years. i'm lazy. i would be bad at actively hunting down new students.) 081211 ... redTree define your weirdness. 081212 ... unhinged i have fits where my mood swings drastically from one end to the other (libra, scales, mine are always irrevocably tipped *shrugs*). i need much space, complete isolation, quiet. i talk to myself. a lot. when i'm at home i could burst into tears or dance at the drop of a hat. during certain times of my hormonal cycle i get violently irritated. my last roommate doesn't have any sisters (and his mother is rather conservative) so i don't think he was used to such blatant hormonal displays. i spend so much time in the world projecting an image of indifference, calm. which is exactly the opposite of how i really feel. my home is where i am who i really am without fear. and with a roommate i can feel guilty about inflicting said weirdness on them. but my last roommate was a wonderful roommate and as much as i like living alone, i miss him sometimes. he remembers every petty detail i share with him, he actually listens when i talk. and since i can talk, even allegedly in my sleep, most of my friends drift off at some point during my babblings. but, i think my somewhat manic depressive mood swings freaked him out sometimes. so long babble short, i'm moody. best for everyone if i live alone. 081212 ... redTree could you give some examples of what you say to yourself? 081213 ... unhinged things i wish i could say to people i love, that i probably never will. rehearsing_my_past as_it_were. things, events i'm trying to sort out. how i feel about them. what i would do about them if i wasn't a fearful coward. 'ouch. damn. shit. what the fuuuuck?!' (i run into things a lot) 'coffee....cooooffeeee' almost every morning as i roll out of my futon i do my zombie coffee chant. 'i need to do some yoga.' 'i need....' cause if i don't say it out loud, the ideas float away before i have a chance to act them out. 081213 ... redTree 9 days and counting? what plans do you have with your brother? are you going back to y-town? 081214 ... unhinged it is nine days and counting which i discovered last night while drunkenly dancing around my place to atmosphere after i got home from a christmas show that my friends played for the onion. you know the satirical newspaper. it's actually based in milwaukee. anyways i don't have any particular plans with my brother other than to stay up all night talking and smoking cigarettes like we always do. there will be big family gatherings, probably go to the wing joint a town away so my brother can eat wings and shoot pool. anything to alleviate the small town boredom. he is going to nyc for new years cause that's where his woman will be so there is a slim chance i could talk him into taking me with. probably not though. i probably won't go back to youngstown. i don't really have any reason to anymore. i have lost contact with most of my friends that still live there. i only have one friend that moved back and we haven't really talked since she moved back. *shrugs* i kinda avoid that place like the plague now. early morning hungover babbles are best. oh noooo. i have to go to work. 081214 ... r3d tree give me an example of your good memory... 090105 ... unhinged i remember the spatial set up of the dorm room i lived in when we talked to each other on the phone. my roommate that year was hardly ever around. i lived in an eight person suite that year...it was my junior year. i cried over her a lot that year. at least my room was on the courtyard side of the building that year so i didn't notice/hear all the gunshots. i had a hard time waking up back then so i asked you to call early (for me) in the morning so i would have a pleasant alarm clock to wake up to. 090105 ... rt do you know anything about your eight former roommates? 090106 ... rt "my home is where i am who i really am without fear." i like what you wrote. define home. 090106 ... unhinged i really don't know anything about the seven other girls i lived with that year. i had a lot of suite mates in youngstown over four years and i haven't kept up with any of them. that year, i was only really friends with the girls jen and abigail that lived on the other side of the suite. jen was in an accelerated undergrad program to become a doctor. so i'm assuming she is a medical doctor now; i don't think she had decided what kind she wanted to be back then. i lent her a book about the medicine buddha that she never returned to me. i don't remember what abigail's major was....i want to say english or history or something like that. we played cribbage together. she was very mature and proper and was thrown off at first at my shit talking during our card games, but got into it after awhile. it was kind of me, abigail, and jen against the other girls in our suite that year. that was the suite i lived in on 9/11. i woke up to missy in the common room crying, watching tv and said to me 'look what they did to the world trade center' the other girls names were missy, lisa, beth, my roommate robin and the last one i can't remember. .... home is where i sleep home is where i make my coffee home is where i cry home is where my family is (blood or adopted) home is where i do my yoga home is where i meditate and chant home is where i dream, hope, wish home is where i pile up my organized chaos home is where i laugh 090106 ... redTree i'm so jealous that you met jane. what is she like in person? 090118 ... unhinged she's tiny in height but that's about it. i think very often she finds herself in the center of things. she's cranky when she's hungry (so am i). she can twist, braid, do her own hair in ways i am jealous of. shy has no place in a description of her. she is a walking encyclopedia of trivia knowledge about things that i know little. she can be sweet, soothing. her laugh is beautiful. she is raucous when drunk. i feel inaccurate talking about her because i only met her once at a horribly sad time in my life, but that trip and all my beautiful skites were definitely expedient to my healing. 090119 ... unhinged (when i met jane, i felt like i also met you since she proudly displayed her rclg prize to all of us) 090119 ... redTree what is ever dumbening like in person? 090120 ... unhinged actually a lot like he is around here; his blather tone of voice is much like his real one. a very hospitable and sweet jokester. he had many cool pieces of art around his place. even his silverware had a vaguely cubist artsy feel to them. he seemed to enjoy being the host and party planner for the evening; i was very grateful for it anyways. all the details from the food and drinks to the entertainment were perfect. i still feel gushy over it, for all his generosity and planning. i can say with blather pride that he is definitely not a scenester_bitch. he hooted, hollered, and whistled for his boys in rebirth even when a lame ass told him to quiet hisself down. getting to hang out and drink good beer and chat about music was also nice. it was kind of like a face to face innerview, and i felt slightly bad for my tendency to go on and on about myself without asking some questions too. james is just very easy to hang with. that trip was the first trip i've ever taken completely alone, but alone i was not. it also upheld my theory that native vacations are best. 090120 ... redTree define magic. 090122 ... redTree define magic. 090122 ... unhinged magic is: slipping into a warm scented fizzy bath when it's cold outside seeing the faces of people i love who i don't get to see often smoking and drinking just enough to not give a fuck if you are the only one dancing at a show raspberry truffles from gail ambrosius chocolates smiles and hugs of small children taking a walk with someone and holding their hand a rainbow tree in fall (where all the different colored leaves are on one tree) the great funerary sonata for violin by stanley eaton synchronicity with people you love (even if there is great distance between you) getting flowers eye opening encounters with strangers (the bum that asked me for some money asked me if i was okay today; i don't have the energy to fake it anymore) when the rain/snow is falling to the rhythm of the music on my headphones i guess i think there is a lot of magic everywhere if you take the time to look for it. 090123 ... rt you don't seem "unhinged" anymore. am i right? you definitely sound as though you are holding the door to your life so that it can swing open and closed. 090304 ... unhinged not like i was seven or eight years ago, but i still swing widely, i still get unbearably sad and lonely. i think growing_up and working with children has helped immensely. and meditation and getting tattoos. actually right now, lately, i've been stupid angry and sad. i spend too much time alone now. most of my friends live on the other side of town. people i thought i could count on have disappeared from my life. i went out with some friends last night and because of the logistics of the situation ended up sitting alone with no one to talk to. it seemed oddly appropriate and i wondered why i spent the time and money to even go out in the first place. at least when i stay home, there is an excuse for me to be alone. 090304 ... rt what are the everything_i_need_to_say "dreams that come tumbling out of your mouth?" 090307 ... unhinged i_love_you i would do anything for you and you hurt me again and again 090307 what's it to you? who go blather from