complain_bitch_moan_spoo no reason ;asldfha;lsdhkf i have a cold and i'm crampy and bored and i want the fourth harry potter book. now now now!!!! it's in so many places, so CLOSE but just out of reach. *hands-- reaching-----grazing pages----------------------------------* but no. blarg. suckiness. 030703 ... niska i know someone who says 'blarg' a lot. he also like to bitch & moan. and oh, does he whine! 030704 ... no reason fuck. i hate this. i hate myself sometimes but i don't hate my real self. i just wish it could be brought out more easily. i wish i didn't care about what others thought. i wish i wasn't so self-aware. and i wish i wasn't shy when it really matters. i wish i wish i wish. fuck fuck fuck. it's always around people that i like the most (i.e. today, in writing class), that i have the potential for being friends with, that i act like this around. i guess because with them, i...you know. care. but then i just end up putting this shell around me, i guess in order not to appear stupid or like i'm trying to get them to like me or i don't know what the fuck. but then i appear aloof, because i guess it's that whole insecurity/absorbing who people are before revealing who i am in order to get hurt deal. but then, once i start to talk to people, they think it's kinda weird cuz i never did before. or, they talk back, and it's fine, but then i go into another one of my little bouts of insecurity, for one reason or another (usually it's because no one's talking to me. i mean, they're not ignoring me or anything, but...i dunno. last year i had lots of people in my class that i could go up to. this year it all seems to be little groups, i guess partly due to a smaller class.) and then...i guess i just confuse people. today i sat ALmost next to "todd". (i don't know why i'm not putting his name, but...i dunno. it somehow feels safer this way.) there was one other guy between us. and sometimes i tried to talk to them...but they were all sort of in conversation, and it wasn't really stuff i had much to say on, so i pretty much talked to the girl on my other side. and sometimes i talked to the guy right beside me, "tom", because he sorta talks to everyone, and he's kinda weird sometimes and i don't really care what he thinks. (go figure). so anyway, as the period progressed, i added a few random things (todd wasn't there at this point) but "david" (his friend) didn't respond too much. it's unfortunate, because he's really cool. go figure again. then i sort of mentioned something to todd and tom, and todd responded, but then turned back to tom. blarg. and i know he didn't mean anything by it...i mean, he was like this all last year. he didn't really talk to anyone at all last year, maybe because he didn't know anyone firsthand. (he knows a few this year). last year, it was the opposite for me. i mean, i didn't know anyone firsthand, but i felt more comfortable around a lot more people. there were more solitary ones, i guess, like i said before. drifters? wanderers? is this who i am forever destined to be? because i really don't mind. just as long as i have somewhere to drift towards. and this is all so ridiculous and petty and self-indulgent, and i hate that it exists even in my mind. at these moments, i think i have the emotional capacity of a thirteen-year-old. i wish i was a twenty-one-year-old who could just be. because i know that if i could, if i always could, i'd be happy. because i know that i have good qualities, i know that i'm nice and funny and cool. i've been told. many times, even. (this isn't bragging. believe me. this is just retelling.) because it's not ME. and these are the people who i most want to know that. can you think of more counter-productive behaviour? because i sure can't. sigh. 040106 ... no reason and i'm sorry in advance to all the thirteen-year-olds who have possibly a better emotional capacity than me. i probably should have said 10-year-old. 040106 ... pipedream what's spoo? 040107 ... Alfred Who cares? 040107 ... :P no, I'd like to know what spoo is, too. 040107 ... pipedream what's spoo then? 040109 ... . . 041219 what's it to you? who go blather from