other_you nr exciting. smart. interesting. nice. honest. somewhat hard to pin down. at a distance. magnetic. a sweet, albeit mysterious, person in an adventurous, swimming-with-sharks, motorcycle adventurer, tattooed body. blarggggggggg. 130724 ... nr i wish it could be denied but there is no denying that way more attraction exists here. i'm not sure i'm attracted to what's good for me. 130724 ... nr even reading this, it looks like i'm attracted to unattainability. really, though, other_you isn't unattainable (putting aside the distance). you've always been honest and respectful, and never played games. i'm attracted to confidence, and independence, and maybe those traits lead to less-than-healthy ones. i don't know. i don't claim to know anything. 130724 ... no reason i told you, in a rational way, but i still feel guilty. i don't want to be rejected by you. i want you to love me. (things_you're_not_supposed_to_say) 130813 ... no reason errrgggg. i have so much to say. i don't know. i wonder if i mean anything to you. 130820 ... no reason i've been missing you a lot lately. i'd contact you, but i'm worried about anything that would result (even/especially silence) would upset me. 131003 ... nr ack. please remove "about." 131003 ... nr little things keep reminding me of you. i wish i remembered more details of our conversations; all i remember in detail from when we went out that night is smiling the whole time. 131008 ... nr i like how you show natural consideration. you treat people well without realizing it. 131008 ... nr i don't like how you're okay with certain things being how they are, or if you ever thought they were okay, or how you may not care, or how i don't know if you do or ever did. 131008 ... nr you always seem a bit aloof/guarded when we first meet, and also when we part ways. 131008 ... nr a bit of a broken record here, i guess. it's hard not to be when nothing changes; at least, nothing that you know of. things could have changed, but you don't really want to know if they have. and things are different here too, which other_you are probably aware of. you haven't responded since i told you in more detail what i was going through and how i felt. maybe my reaction was unexpected after what you said. maybe you just forgot or didn't feel the need to respond. you said it was great that i'd be coming out to where you live. but i think i'd have a lot of trouble being "just friends" with you. i think it's one of those things that just wouldn't happen. and i can't help but feel, deep down, that it would be like that for you too. 140314 ... no reason i guess what it comes down to is that i'm excited about you, even after all this time. our trajectory has been a bit weird, which, in fairness, at the start was set/caused by me. and any continuing weirdness was both of us. 140314 ... no reason you were in my dream last night. i wonder if you ever give me a second thought. 140520 ... no reason it turns out you do. or at least you said you'd love to hang out. i was happy when i got this news. but i'm confused like i figured i would be. there's just never enough information to know what's really going on ever. 140525 ... nr maybe what's always been stopping me here, other than distance, is fear of rejection. interestingly though, i've never exactly been rejected by you. 140525 ... no reason but you don't owe me anything either, so there's no reason to expect anything would be the same. 140528 ... nr i'll be seeing you soon, most likely. i don't know how things will be between us, or how i want them to be. 140609 ... no reason you are conflicted or guarded or a bit all over the place or something. in the moment i called you ridiculous, which i feel kind of bad about (though i don't think you were offended; all you said was that you can be silly sometimes); all i meant was that i think you're needlessly denying yourself opportunities. 140712 ... no reason you say certain things (that i contemplate and agonize over) like they're the simplest things ever. i wonder if it's good to take things so lightly, or if you really do, or if it's again due to some kind of fear or restraint. you're still and always a puzzle, anyway. but not one i'm so eager to solve anymore, which comes as a surprise and a relief. 140712 ... nr i should stop drinking around you. i tell you too many things. (though maybe i would anyway.) 140712 ... nr but i still can't stop thinking about you. ughghalskdfa;lskjf fuck. 140712 ... unhinged i am nice until i am not when i am not, there is nothing you can say to convince me. stubborn as a goat. hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me. i dont let people get to three anymore. 140714 ... nr yep, still can't stop. pretty sure i want to be back in your bed right now. (annnnd this is the best nr's semi-reserved self will likely ever do at blather_erotica.) 140717 ... nr again with the insanely accurate birthday astrology: "those born on this day can be difficult to pin down. just when it seems one has them figured out, they evade the parameters set for them. thus they may unfairly suffer from a reputation for unreliability or untrustworthiness." 140717 ... nr i sleep better with you beside me 140718 ... no reason you live much closer to the airport, and it's taking all my willpower not to ask if i can stay at your place before my morning flight. fuck. i used to exercise good judgment before i met you. 140724 ... n_argh there's so much confusion and crazy schedules and now i'm told from elsewhere that i wasn't clear. i wanted to involve you as little as possible. i didn't want to pressure you. i just never know what's going on when i'm with you, or if there's anything that will continue, or for how often, or how long. and i know you can never predict these things, but with some people, it's easier to tell what they want and expect. and i think i know what you want (or at least, what you've wanted in the past), but there are so many complicating variables from so many directions. i wonder sometimes whether if we talked about it, we'd be able to figure out what we want and what is possible, if anything, and squash all the variable into submission. but it's hard when you won't talk. i don't want anyone else, and i need to at least know what's going on before i can even attempt to walk_away. i hope i haven't driven you to do just that. 140804 ... nr variables. plural. 140804 ... unhinged the you that refused to talk the you that ignored the you that sent cryptic emails the selfish you the nasty you the silent you the sad you we all have those sides, parts, pieces. you always burdened yourself with the most absurd perfection. i stayed quiet around you. quiet off of quiet off of quiet. i miss you still. damnit. 140804 ... nr in the book i'm proofing, the character the narrator constantly misses and longs for has your name. in the book, he's her dead son. 140810 ... nr at this point, i don't know what to expect from you. even though there's been weirdness, i'm not used to not hearing from you. it's never happened before. i wonder if you disappeared somewhere. i hope you're alive. 140810 ... nr well, it turns out you are alive and around, but just not contacting me. so much for "let's hang out [and do lots of things]." nice to know that after years, i'm not even worth a response. 140817 ... nr i'm in your neighbourhood and hoping i don't run into you. also, happy birthday, wherever the hell you are (hopefully not around here). 140819 ... nr i finally heard from you, awhile ago. there was something i wasn't expecting, another variable, that was added into the mix. it didn't entirely explain things, but it made them less significant, because other things are sometimes more important. sometimes i think of emailing you to tell you the things i wanted to tell you, and to see how you're doing. but something stops me. maybe i don't want to confuse myself or you or complicate things further. things have always been so complicated with us. i wonder if you gave up. 141020 ... nr you're like some kind of addiction, and when we don't talk or see each other for awhile, i somewhat forget what that feels like. which is mostly a relief, but there's a small part of me that wants to feel it again. which is why i should stay away. 141020 ... nr you're a patient person. this is something i noticed. 141020 ... nr you said you'd contact me when you got back. i don't know if you will. it only matters a little bit. i'll probably matter more if you do and i actually see you. i wonder if/when in life things are ever simple (ish). i am tired. 141208 ... i mean it'll probably matter more. maybe i'll matter more too. but i'm sure whether that matters either. 141208 ... nr i still/again wonder if you ever think about me. you're the only person i could could really picture being with long-term and wanting to commit to. the idea of an actual, real relationship with you is just as exciting as it always was. sometimes i go back and forth about whether to contact you. whether to add you to facebook. whether to this or that. i think it would make sense not to contact you until i'm in the same place as you again (hopefully soon), but even in that case, i don't know. you said you'd contact me, and you didn't. so you might not ever think about me. and normally these things would turn me away, but this thing has been so complicated i don't think anything can be figured out without us actually talking. i would change the past if i could. 150514 ... nr i wonder if i'll ever know you 150514 ... nr i mentioned above that i sleep better next to you. if that would still be the case, it would be something, because it's been awhile since i've slept well next to anyone. 150514 ... nr well, you texted me out of the blue after six months of no contact. probably because you recently broke up with someone. you asked if i was still in your city, and i said not right now, and have heard nothing back from you since. this makes me angry and feel taken advantage of and annoyed with bullshit. which actually helps with my grasp on reality. 150525 ... nr i guess at the very least you do still think about me, even if it's only when you're alone and lonely. 150525 ... nr i'm a bit annoyed with myself too because i told you i was hoping to be there by july. i guess it is just a fact, but there's no reason i should feel like i need to let you know about it, or give any indication that i might be there for you, since you contacted me six months later than you said you would. 150525 ... nr you did text me back. i'm glad about it, i guess, but it doesn't really make much of a difference. which i guess is good. i don't even/ever know. 150525 ... nr it's just like you to get in touch for two seconds and then disappear. i wonder what it is you're afraid of or running from or running to or whatever or anything. 150526 ... nr it's been almost three years since we first met. i wonder if i know you much better now than i did at the beginning. 150531 ... nr maybe you're not worth it 150531 ... unhinged (i am also heavy on the 'maybe you aren't worth it' thoughts after he cancelled plans for a bullshit reason yesterday) 150601 ... nr i told my sister that if we actually ironed everything out and spent some real time together and everything was the same as it's always been between us, i'd probably be tempted to marry you (and not only for potential citizenship). i don't think she was surprised, but she said if she ever met you, she'd kick you where it hurts. i said that may be a bit harsh, but she could throw a drink in your face. 150607 ... nr i can be myself completely around you (and vice versa, i think/hope), and we get along well and have fun together, and we have lots in common, and i think we understand each other, and we're attracted to each other. but i wonder if we'd ever completely trust each other. 150607 ... nr i'm tempted to text you and be all, 'so what's up? how was the past year for you?' but i feel that may be, uh, slightly passive-aggressive. 150611 ... nr i told you i was in the city, and you asked where. i answered, and you joked, 'that's almost wisconsin.' ie, 'that's far from me.' and nothing since. i hate that i need to hear from you and that i want to see you and that i wonder what you're thinking. you've contacted me out of the blue too, which makes me think it's not just me, which makes it even harder in a way. i just want to have a conversation with you to at least see what's going on/what has ever gone on. but maybe that's not possible. the hardest thing is that i don't think i've ever felt as compatible with someone as i do with you, and that's saying a lot. it's hard to give up on that without knowing if something could ever be a possibility. 150711 ... nr i still haven't seen you, and i don't expect to. i was in your neighbourhood tonight. i like your neighbourhood. it's cool and artsy but laid-back and not pretentious. i guess there are a lot of people like you there. i was sad when we left your neighbourhood. i let myself imagine what it would be like to run into you and have you give me a tight, long hug, and... well. then i was a bit relieved to leave your neighbourhood. i'm not sure i've ever felt such a need and such reluctance to see someone before, in almost equal measures. 150821 ... nr i thought about you today when she was talking about him, because the way she talks about how she feels about him always mirrors how i feel about you. but that's where the similarities end. he tells her how he thinks she is and what her personality is (in some ways critical, in some ways not; in some ways right, in some ways really not). he has all of these weird on-paper needs for a partner that he makes her aware of. in short, he seems like kind of an insensitive, picky asshole to her a lot of the time and makes me hope she finds someone to care about who's way better than him. she says she doesn't feel like she can be fully herself around him — he thinks she's quiet and without opinions. which strikes me as ridiculous because although she can be quiet, she's not really a quiet person at all, and she definitely has opinions. i don't think she should ever even consider being with him until he can like her for who she is, and she can be who she is, because she is awesome. and it just made me think of how you never once told me anything that was wrong with me, even if i expressed concern or guilt over any aspects of how i acted or felt. you told me and showed me what you liked about me, and your patience and acceptance made it easier to be more forgiving of myself and my human-ness. i could always be completely myself around you. i wonder how she feels so connected with someone when she can't even be herself around them. 150823 ... nr his way is more direct, at least. all you do is keep secrets and disappear. 150823 ... nr i still think about you. and facebook-stalk you. it annoys me that i'm interested in you and amused by you but that we don't talk and i don't know if i could ever trust you. maybe i'll eventually tell you all these things. 151022 ... nr a friend of mine had someone who she just had to write out of her life because she was interested in him and it would have confused everything. it worked out for her; she's been with someone else now for years, but i'd bet she probably still can't talk to this person. pretty sure this is the way i am/always will be with you. unless we ever get together, which i really can't picture right now. or even necessary want right now. some times, some people; who knows? also, red_wine. 151215 ... nr i read somewhere that just because you connect with someone, it doesn't mean you're meant to be with them. and of course it made me think of you. i don't really want to see you anytime soon, because that always throws me, but i was thinking of dropping you an email. 160403 ... nr you liked a thing of mine on social media, which is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but anytime you interact with me in any way, it affects me more than i wish it would (especially when we haven't spoken in almost a year). it makes me think of what it's like being around you, which makes me want to talk to you and see you. but i also am not sure i want to know what it would be like if i tried to do that. sometimes you want to forget things so it would be easier, but other times you don't want to forget them if they may be what you really want. 160513 ... nr you were in my dream last night. one of the rare instances in which i can connect something in my subconscious with my awake-thinking. 160513 ... nr my friend said that maybe you appeared out of nowhere because you're over me. but i'm pretty sure it's not that simple. 160513 ... nr you've been kind of making your presence known lately and we actually messaged each other, and it seemed normal... well, however normal it can be for two people who haven't seen each other in a pretty long time and don't talk too frequently and have a weird history. we talked about politics and travel and the idea of marriage (the total of which took up very few sentences). i could probably see you soon but i'm not sure i should. the ability to hide behind the computer screen is probably healthy for me (and possibly you too). things finally feel even-keeled. but how long before they become stagnant or nonexistent again? 160526 ... nr at the very least, i hope my decision-making more rational now when it comes to you, and i'd definitely be more forthright about how i feel and what i want. if i ever knew for sure what that was. 160526 ... nr maybe you should just stay a possibility 160526 ... nr you have warm eyes 160526 ... nr i wonder if you find it easier and less threatening to contact me when i'm not in the same country 160526 ... nr or at least, the same place 160526 ... nr i just saw you for the first time in almost two years. i don't know how to explain it other than i feel weird. i mean, i'd say it was good. it was a nice time; i dropped my stuff off at your place and then you drove us to a couple of different places before going back to your place, and then you drove me to the airport. we talked about a lot of things, and we were on the same page like we always are. you told me you were okay with things being the way they are, and that you want to travel a lot of places and maybe end up somewhere far away. it didn't surprise me, though i'm not sure i believe it. i asked you to come sit next to me on the couch because i never get to see you, and you did. but that was all that happened, and i feel kind of disappointed but kind of relieved at the same time. we're so alike in some ways. maybe that's a problem. but it sure is a temptation. 160606 ... epitome of incomprehensibility There was a container full of pumpkin paste that had been in the fridge for a week. Mom had made a complicated pumpkin bread with pecans and dates and abstruse spices last week (it tastes like home, except more so) but didn't feel like making another. Out of pecans, maybe. So Dad took it out, sniffed it, proclaimed it still good. Then he searched around in the "pantry" (shelf in the entry way leading to the basement) and I asked him what he was making. He came out with a bag of dry things rustling, saying, "Ancient family recipe." I said, "Pumpkin oatmeal?" And then I saw it was muffin mix. He made pumpkin muffins. Pumpkin oatmeal might be interesting, if you could get the pumpkin paste to coalesce somehow. Like into those dried apple pieces I used to look for in Muslix cereal. 160606 ... e_o_i NO. This has NOTHING TO DO with the topic. I'm sorry, nr, I didn't mean to put this nonsense on the page you started. I meant it to be pumpkin_oatmeal. 160606 ... nr ha! that's okay. this page could use some good pumpkin oatmeal. (and maybe some good deletion, but, oh well.) 160606 ... nr but since that's not an option at the moment (to my knowledge), let's talk more, shall we? i have deduced that it was a good visit that's felt a lot healthier than anything in the past. i guess time was a helpful thing. in the past, being around you was like an addiction; everything was magnified and i always felt like you had something over me. this time it was just a lot more comfortable. it was like a great-friends hangout with lots of talking about anything and everything, and no tension or pressure. i hope we keep this up. regardless of anything that happens or doesn't happen in the future, this point is where things should start. 160606 ... nr you have a calming effect on me. you're not without your own issues, but your demeanour is so chill, and you're patient and not judgmental and easy to talk to. everything just feels so easy. i need that. especially now, but also always. i don't want to lose that feeling or forget. 160607 ... nr it was your birthday the other day. i think you went away. i've been thinking of contacting you again, partly because there's a local artist i wonder if you know about because i think you might like him, and partly because i want to talk to you and get your opinion on certain things, because i think you're down-to-earth enough that i'd value what you have to say. and i just like talking to you. the more things change, the more yada yada yada. but the sameness of it feels better. 160821 ... amy in red St Louisians are much more down to earth than I am, but it was my birthday and i was away, so if this one is in reference to moi, and none other than me, certainly please feel free to contact nr but then again you "collect" around this time of year if i recall correctly, so if not, may the contactee respond! ;) 160822 ... nr it's not in reference to you, amy, but i apparently do know a lot of people with birthdays around yours who apparently go away for them! i hope you had a good one away. i have yet to go to st. louis... i collect? :) 160822 ... unhinged of all the people in your life, i am the last one that deserves your fucking bullshit asshole 160823 ... nr we were messaging a bit the other night, and it had been since june that we last spoke. it was an innocent conversation, and you found out i'd be where you are at some point soon and said to let you know. and then you asked, point-blank, if it's weird that we used to hook up. i didn't know exactly what you meant by the question, which i said, and just answered that i don't think that in itself is weird. you responded that i'm a hard person to read and you weren't sure how i was feeling the last time we saw each other. i said i wasn't sure myself, since it had been a couple of years, but that it was nice. you said you weren't sure at the time whether you should've made a move. i said yeah, it was unclear, but it was good just to talk and catch up. and you agreed. i'm still not quite sure what you meant by asking if the past was weird. or was it whether the present is weird because of the past? but what is the present, even? your directness surprised me, anyway, and i appreciated it. and you always intrigue me and make me think about things. if i actually had a real chance, would i choose you? years ago, i would've said yes in a second. things have changed a lot though, at least on my end, but i can't tell if it's because i feel more in control or because i push things away that could get too close. maybe both; maybe neither. i just like being around you, anyway. and your presence reduces my anxiety level by a LOT. 161020 ... nr i wonder if i've been so drawn to you at least partly because you understand me without me having to explain where i'm coming from. sometimes you'll even realize something before i will. which is pretty rare and surprising for an overthinking weirdo like me. and also feels like a relief and kind of flattering. a lot of things are easier. but a few things are harder. 161023 ... nr realize something about where i'm coming from before i will, that is. 161023 ... nr tl;dr: you're intuitive. it's good. 161023 ... nr i saw you this weekend and you explained a lot to me—most surprisingly, the reasons behind your disappearing behaviour (of which i wasn't sure you were even so cognizant). and you told me in no uncertain terms what you don't want, but at night you told me it was because you didn't want to inflict your unhappiness on other people, and then the next morning you said it was because it's what makes you happy. i think you may have been kind of drunk the night before, but i believe the first explanation more. it's just like you to decide on something one day and then change your stance the next. i wish you wouldn't talk about things like they can't be helped or changed. it's frustrating seeing someone i like, and who i know likes me, limit themselves so needlessly. not everything has to go exactly as planned. this past year has involved a few yous, but no permanent yous. whenever i see you, i realize you're the only you i want to be around all the time. too bad you won't let that happen. 161128 ... nr this page is so serious, geez. you are also a lot of fun to hang out with. 161128 ... nr i had a dream last night that i was out at a bar with a few friends, and you were there, but you left early. and i was trying to search for you on facebook so i could send you a message to come back (for some reason), but i kept having trouble typing your name, or my phone wouldn't cooperate, so i gave up. i thought i'd instead try to run out and catch you, since you'd just left, but when i got to the door, my friends were all standing at the doorway because it was pouring rain. i thought instead of waiting it out, i'd open the door and look around for you, but you were nowhere to be seen. i have better luck finding you these days, but my subconscious doesn't seem to have realized it. 161210 ... nr i've been thinking about how you said you don't let people get too close, and how i may be guilty of the same thing due to fear and sensitivity. i wonder if there are baby steps people can take to make these things easier. 161228 ... nr it's your birthday today, but you came to mind independently of that. a couple of months ago, i was in your city again. on what was supposed to be my last night there, after a lot of confusion at the airport, my flight got cancelled. the airline put us up at a hotel nearby and there was a lot of waiting and organizing. when i was in line to check in at the hotel with everyone else from the flight, i was tired and kind of drained and wanted to just talk to someone, and i was picturing having you there with me. i wanted it at that time, which was kind of ironic since that trip was one of the only few where i didn't try to contact you. i guess you'll always be something. 170818 ... nr this page is so long, sheesh. but i think things can be summed up in the above sentence "everything just feels so easy." it's such a huge sigh of relief being around someone who you have that kind of rapport with. i wonder what life would be like if that wasn't so hard to find. 170818 ... nr that line from "high fidelity" sticks out where laura says to rob, "i'm too tired not to be with you." it's jokingly presented as being unromantic, but i see it as so realistically complimentary. a person is just so spent that they can't imagine putting on any kind of act around someone. they're so comfortable with that person that they can just be themselves, even at their worst. i don't know if it would be like that with you. because life isn't a movie, i don't think. but maybe. i doubt i will ever find out. 171103 ... nr my friend thinks that since you still come to my mind, i should talk to you about how i feel. the only issue with that is that i am not really sure how i feel, and i have NO IDEA what i would say. maybe i should just send you this page. HA! 171103 ... nr it actually amuses me how emo-diary-entry this page reads oh well lis, gotta emo-blather 171103 ... nr i’m at the cool bar you brought me to during one of our first hangouts. i like it a lot; it’s artsy yet unpretentious. i think being there with you was one of the first times i remember having such a fun time with someone yet hardly remembering what we’d talked about/only remembering a feeling. i asked what was in your drink (it was a cocktail with a plant as a garnish), and you, straight-faced, flagged down our server and asked what kind of plant it was. i was super amused and was like, “i meant, what’re the ingredients in your cocktail; not the kind of shrubbery.” it still makes me laugh. 180502 ... nr it's probably silly but i still can't help but notice how much the birthday profile seems like you: "they know their worth quite well and have immense self-confidence, but are loath to move until ready. they thus run the danger of procrastinating and missing opportunities, perhaps even living in a private dream world where they nurse various grudges and hurts. co-workers, associates, even friends often mistake their sunny exterior for a frank, open personality and make all kinds of assumptions about their character and abilities. but the unconventional people born on this day will rarely if ever conform to others’ ideas of them or meet expectations directly, so complex are their personalities and indirect their mode of operation." 180508 ... nr the part about the sunny disposition grabbed me. you probably would usually come off as outwardly fun and lighthearted, especially in a social setting. you're not NOT those things, but there's a lot underneath. you'd really surprise people. 180508 ... nr even if you disappeared from my life completely, you'll still be one of the most interesting people i've ever known. 180508 what's it to you? who go blather from