things_you're_not_supposed_to_say no reason "i didn't tell you i was seeing someone because i was afraid you wouldn't want to see me" "i am more attracted to you than him" but maybe you are supposed to say these things? honesty is one of the most important things to me. without it, no one would ever know what was what, and we all have enough trouble with that anyway. 130813 ... no reason these days i'm mostly keeping you around because everything's all over the place for me right now and i need someone to depend on and vent to. 130912 ... no reason i will never love you 140204 ... blech "just because you have a baby, it doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore. you can leave the house once in awhile, and the baby can too." "just because i don't have a baby, it doesn't mean i haven't seen babies raised and don't know what's involved. i've probably been around more babies than you have." she told me something like "hopefully we'll get to go out again, at least once before you leave [in june]." great, so i get to go out once with my best friend before i leave for months. (a note that i'm aware this sounds selfish. and i love my little fake niece. but i just don't understand why the she can't be brought out of the house. she's already almost six months old.) 140303 ... flowerock baby's are actually very durable! (parents didn't always appreciate hearing this from me at day cares in the baby room) but they really are! 140303 ... Risen I'm not supposed to say anything. I'm supposed to sew my lips together so my soul can't escape. I'm supposed to be silent for you. You always ruled over my silences, and now I have no say at all. No choice. No reins. I'm not supposed to say anything. I met you in a dream last night, and my mouth filled with sand. You've got me well trained. 140306 ... no reason i don't usually like my father too much, especially these days. i'd be pretty okay with hardly ever speaking to him (which isn't far from the situation now), except i still need his money. 140626 ... raze i like animals more than most people. 220507 ... tender_square i like it better when he gets a hotel room with two beds instead of a king because i've gotten used to sleeping alone. 220513 ... epitome of incomprehensibility "I'm feeling better, so I'm anxious again." Dad: ??? 220513 ... nr i wish you could be even 75% as focused on my words as you are on my body 220522 ... nr it's ok because we use each other 220522 ... tender_square i'd be happier on my own than continuing to live with you. 220822 ... kerry you seem uncomfortable, which is making me uncomfortable. maybe you should just go home. 220822 ... nr if my stomach is going to be upset again constantly, at least maybe i'll lose weight 220831 ... nr you're just a placeholder. 220911 ... tender_square i've been walking in the mornings less and less because the only way i feel safe in the park with it being so dark is to walk with bill, but bill always fills the silence with talk. i miss walking alone. 221029 ... raze i wish i could dissolve my noisy neighbours in a vat of acid so even their bones couldn't make a sound. 221102 ... tender_square i keep making passing comments to my husband about my weight, saying mean things about myself that i don't really believe are true, because it's the only way i can get him to pay me a compliment by way of disagreeing with me. 221102 ... raze some days i want to feed the thieving blue jays something that gives them such awful, explosive diarrhea, they grow to hate me and never want to visit my house again. 221104 ... raze i want bad things to happen to bad people. 221110 ... tender_square “ugh. what is this sad bastard music?” i asked myself in the car. the radio revealed it was thom yorke’s new side project, the smile. whoops. 221114 ... tender_square i hate that my spouse uses more towels than necessary in a hotel when he wouldn’t do that at home. it’s wasteful. 221119 ... nr i have trouble finding a therapist i like because i never think they know as much as i do about what i want to talk about 221124 ... nr i'm tired of having to be considerate of others' feelings because my parent died. 221227 ... nr clarifying as in, protecting their feelings directly in relation to that. 221227 ... raze if i ever meet anyone who works at essex terminal railway, i'm going to spit in their fucking face. 221229 ... past just because you grew up in a toxic, abusive family doesn't mean my imperfect, friendly but somewhat distant, family is fake. we're just different, doing our own things, orbiting the lessons of a shared childhood. just like you guys, but different. 221230 ... kerry every time i come here i tell myself it's the last time, but it never is. i forget what it's like to be in this house, with you. i feel guilty for being gone so long, i minimize the irritations in my memory, i confuse boredom and emptiness with homesickness and i get on a plane and immediately upon arrival i regret it. and so the cycle continues. 221230 ... e_o_i German prof. G., talking about a guest speaker event, distractedly referred to it as "the Holocaust thing we're doing." My mind: "Not *again*. It wasn't very nice the first time." 230309 ... raze i wish the people who drive like reckless jackasses at one in the morning just so they can force the world to listen to their earsplitting stupidity would get in accidents that total their cars so i'd never have to hear their disruptive bullshit again. 230405 ... e_o_i ...But then why do I write them? After going on about a skite who's scarce nowadays in one of my blatherskite_dreams and her real-life, uncharacteristically mean-seeming remark, I thought back to my unsaid but written snark about Gerlinde's wording. It seems cruel now, because (zum Beispiel) I can see the other side: why oh why should I make fun of people for having SLIGHTLY awkward wording in their non-native language when I'll probably be doing an exponentially greater fuckton of that in Kassel? She is one of my favourite profs, and, linear time be praised, definitely did *not* go around genociding my distant relatives of relatives. Even if her parents did (but they were still teenagers), I'd have no right to take that personally anyway. But maybe that is an unspoken prejudice. The idea of being "enemies." Something I have to confront. As well as lingering shame/sadness over Jurgen correcting my und_so_weiter and not falling in love with me, however long ago and silly that was. But the idea of letting go isn't silly. After all, tension between French and English Quebecers is what soured Mom on learning French. She wasn't honest with herself about that until later. ...but now I'm being super wordy and it's late. 230416 ... raze i hate my neighbours. 230506 ... e_o_i "Ici" for "here" when you're supposed to speak German. Especially when the German "hier" is almost the same as English. 230506 ... tender_square my second divorce would have probably been contentious and contested had my ex not been a man of means. 230604 ... raze people who cut in line should be forced to stand in a line that never moves for all of eternity. 230607 ... e_o_i Looking at the ingredients of a can of ginger ale reminded me of this one. ... Either before or after the no-go time of the pandemic, I don't remember, I was at a dinner for the artisans club, seated next to an artisan's husband. He'd just been telling me about working for Pepsi for many years as a chemical engineer, now retired. To this he added, "I don't think soft drinks are as bad as some people say. I've had a Pepsi every day for years and I'm in pretty good shape." I nodded, thinking that on one hand I wouldn't do that, but on the other hand it wasn't the worst habit in the world. "Yeah, it's not poison," was what came out of my mouth, or something like it. "It's basically water and sugar." He was taken aback. "Well, no, it's more complex than that!" And then I realized my faux pas: this man was a chemical engineer - he'd worked on Pepsi's flavour formula, or would have me think so. Saying the drink was "basically" sugar and water was a little insulting. ... ...But the first two ingredients on the ginger ale can: Carbonated water. Sugars. 230828 ... raze i look_forward to the day my landlord dies. 240417 ... kerry i'm glad you lost the baby. 240417 ... raze your expensive new car is an eyesore. 240418 ... nr i said sorry for being tired and maybe a bit snippy at your behaviour. what i really meant was that i'm sorry your behaviour is the way it is. 240602 what's it to you? who go blather from