what_made_you_cry_today unhinged him 130405 ... n o m nothing 130406 ... raze an incredible gift from someone i love. 211225 ... kerry consumerism and the shame of feeling ungrateful 211226 ... raze a (very) early birthday present. 220724 ... tender_square being alive at the same time, like mayflies, like butterflies. 220725 ... kerry a bbc podcast episode about women in ukraine 220725 ... Bizzar also him 220725 ... insouciant Thing With Feathers 220726 ... raze kindness. 221003 ... Bizzar my_last_hope 221004 ... raze newsom. 221009 ... tender_square tendering my resignation. 221011 ... tender_square hearing the_cranberries "dreams" as i drove home along the waterfront. ("oh, my life is changing everyday in every possible way and oh, my dreams it's never quite as it seems 'cause you're a dream to me dream to me") 230107 ... raze this new_york times op-doc: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiwY1cwaXkU 230114 ... raze a scene from "cheers", of all things. (this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAr7jsr0qZQ) 230225 ... tender_square being asked by an acquaintance how i was adjusting to being back in my hometown. 230311 ... tender_square seeing a selfie of my former sil showing off her growing pregnancy belly. 230317 ... e_o_i My mother 230318 ... kerry anger about having seizures two days in a row. makes me afraid to leave the house and i'm missing jen's spring equinox party. 230319 ... tender_square the three-part harmony soul singing of the lone bellow trio live at the ark. 230508 ... e_o_i Stress about the phone and not following the proper steps to wipe down and air out the shower stall (high mineral content in the water, so it will leave residue if you don't). And since Patricia (host "mother") heard me crying just after she'd told me off (gently), she came back and gave me a hug. Also told me, also gently, not to stress about little things, because how would I know what to do if she doesn't tell me? We laughed about the language barrier. But she must think I'm goddamn oversensitive. 230509 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Tangential observation - a lot of people who've been mother figures to me have made me cry: -my mother -the piano teacher who was more used to teaching preschoolers than a ten-year-old - she was almost too tender and that encouraged my soft side -teachers, not least the Critical Theory professor who fought for me to get back into the MA program (thank you, Prof. S) -and now Patricia. ...It's like I'm a baby and I want a mom, or I'm disappointed by a mom, or I'm afraid of disappointing a mom. I think I need a chrysanthemum. It wouldn't expect much of me and *probably* wouldn't make me cry. 230509 ... tender_square leaving grandma at the nursing home and comparing her to the other residents who have so much less life and vitality. she shouldn't be there, not now, not yet. 230511 ... raze joe cocker's broken voice at the end of "you are so beautiful". 230515 ... e_o_i Class again, perpetual confusion, my own snarkiness which I used the wrong_ass_word to describe. But alles okay, mostly. 230530 ... raze writing a youtube comment to a stranger. 230607 ... raze a queen song. (and not any of the songs you'd expect to do the job.) 230616 ... e_o_i Okay, three days ago, but TK. After I volunteered to help her with an important school document (turns out someone else did, but anyway), she made a point of saying how our friendship was valuable to her. I am sappy. Like a tree. But that's okay sometimes! 230617 ... tender_square leaving the intensive care unit and wondering if my sister will ever find her will to fight. 230618 ... tender_square singing mary j. blige’s “not gonna cry,” ironically. 230629 ... Soma therapy. I was just a child, and she was just a shitty person doing her shitty best. I wish you could have had something better in life, X, but I'm glad I'm here all the same. 230630 ... tender_square a field of wildflowers in full bloom, remembering the ash and cinders they used to be. 230709 ... tender_square joni mitchell's hard-earned contralto reflecting "it's love's illusions i recall, i really don't know love at all." 230807 ... raze a cat named bruiser. 230914 ... tender_square them changes. 230914 ... Soma Looking at those rhodedendrons. 230914 ... raze a chatgpt story about squirrels from a friend that unexpectedly gets at the heart of what these furry little acrobats mean to me. 230929 ... e_o_i Jaqueline's sociolinguistics lecture today, which covered language death and then the development of creoles. Creoles are cool; how they came about is horrific. Mostly through slavery - people separated from those who spoke their language(s) and not taught the languages of their colonizers/enslavers. The quote from Sankoff was dry and academic, but just picturing what went on... I mean, it's one of those things I almost feel bad crying about, because who am I to cry? What good does it do now? But emotions don't have to make perfect sense; it's okay to cry, okay not to cry. 230929 ... e_o_i (but her name is spelled Jacqueline, gah) 230929 ... raze don hertzfeldt's "simpsons" couch gag. 231006 ... Soma I was the highway at 4am, all mist and black asphalt as I drove back from the airport, when this fucking song came on. The song is nothing but a simple instrumental melody, partnered with a lilting voice that undulates in power as if rising up from the broken dark. In that moment it was all it took. I felt the grief wash over me, the rage that time had and would and will take so much from me unjustly, the loss for who I was, and the bitter tears of hope that it could and would and should all be so different. That I was no simple pawn, but a fragile soul alive in it all. I cried, feeling like a spider seeing the beauty of its own web. 231008 ... nr reading about israel. 231009 ... Soma Money. It almost always makes me cry. The feeling of futility. Of helplessness. Of shame. Of inadequacy. Of irresponsibility. It never matters how frugal I am or the care I put into planning. Needing to allow for the expense of life happening always brings me to tears. 231215 ... e_o_i 1. Decisions. Or my lack thereof. (I'm feeling better now because I finally have an idea for a linguistics MA/MSc project and a few possibilities of where to apply, though my options are more limited because some deadlines are past. Also tempering my relief is the uncomfortable consciousness that new things are always hard for me. I still have a lot of work ahead.) 2. What I'm reading_lately (what_ARE_you_reading?): a few nostalgic tears leaked out while finishing Anne of the Island, which I hadn't gone through for years. (L.M. Montgomery went with a bit of a sappy device in getting the main couple together, despite the fact that she poked fun at Anne's "romantic" and "tragic" teenage stories - but I'll be durned if it isn't well-paced and nicely worded.) 240114 ... raze bela. a blathe i'd never read before. (oh, belly_fire. blather misses your words.) 240216 ... raze remembering friends who are no longer here. 240223 ... pony roadside_assistance, as that conversation unfolded in real time between an innocent question and an unspoken answer. 240223 ... raze longshanks. 240317 ... raze a kitten wearing oven mitts. 240417 what's it to you? who go blather from