i_dreamt_that_i_dreamt_09
crOwl lilly felt an overwhelming sense of nausea as she entered the parlor room of the funeral home. flowers are not supposed to smell this way she thought, as if the odor were fat maggots, wriggling inside the pit of her stomach, devouring her from the inside out, removing every fiber of her connection to the fragile hopes that were being newly constructed within her. she felt hot, sweaty and intensely uncomfortable with her face behind a rubber mask made in the likeness of her mother's face. she was wearing a brightly colored plastic dress with a gaudy design of circles and squares that fit her so tightly she could barely walk in the stained glass filtered sunlight and every step she took seemed to take forever. she made her torpid way to the open casket, shuffling and stumbling in her odd restriction past pillars of dead floral arrangements, hearing the throaty whispers of distant family members and relations.

"look at her," a middle-aged woman with colored hair and lipstick-stained teeth said, holding one skeletal hand against her lipo-sucked chin and pointing the other caffeine-infused trembling fingered-hand at lilly. "she's a slow moving car wreck."

"it was all her fault, you know," a slightly older woman said, wearing a ridiculous pig costume with the face cut out. her fake eyelashes were slightly crusted with mascara. "she was killing them everyday with her selfishness."

lilly fianlly made it past them to the casket. several people were gathered around the plain wooden box. a little boy was on one end trying to light matches. a man with groucho marx glasses and moustache was crossing himself and kneeling. when he kissed his fingers he pretended it was a cigar. "you know she thought she was in love," he said with a lame impersonation.

she stopped and slowly lifted her right arm. it seemed glued to her body and she had to pull upwards with all of her might to separate it from her hip. a mass of liquidy goo came with it and plopped to the carpet. she ignored it removed her mask to look inside the crude coffin. somehow she already knew who was in there and it wasn't her grandmother. it was her.



"miss, are you alright?"

lilly was sitting upright, her sweaty forehead pressed against the cushiony back of the seat in front of her. at first when she opened her eyes, she thought she was in her bed and that gavin was beside her and that all she had to do was lay back down beside him and he would wrap his bear arms around her and she would sigh and the nightmare would fade. but then, she heard the fragile question of concern and abruptly realized she was on the plane to burlington and the passenger next to her had just witnessed her obvious vulnerability.

lilly's eyes widened as if she was letting the bizarre dream exit out of her mind, leaking from the corners like tears. she brought her pale hands up to her face and sat up, and then pushed her hair back, running her fingers through like a rough brush.

"i'm sorry," she heavily exhaled, turning to the man beside her. she remembered him from the boarding. she reminded her slightly of the guy from the convenience store that let her set up her paintings in his parking lot. he was friendly and unassuming.
"i have bad dreams sometimes."

"no big deal," he said, smiling somewhat. "it's just that you were breathing so quickly and then shot up in your seat like something had pulled you."

"really?" lilly asked, arching one eyebrow. she sucked in a gasp of air and let it out. she bit her lip sheepishly, not knowing how to respond. she looked out the window to where the earth looked like a patchwork quilt. 		071116
...
crOwl meanwhile, gavin thought about the way he had teasingly grabbed liiy's ass and how she reacted with a girlish smile and poutish punch. it will be so long until i have that luscious pussy, he impishly thought. he banged the steering wheel with toyish severity and coltrane in the passenger seat next to him turned around twice and sat back down. he turned up the ipod and hoarsely sang along at the top of his lungs.

he was sad to be sure. he was already missing lilly. the fleeting image of her fading away behind the sliding glass of the airport lobby desperately waving goodbye was already permanently engraved on his brain, much like a photocopy one inticately cuts out and glues in a personal journal for impromptu viewing.

leaps and bounds of positive healing had evolved within her in the past few months and he felt proud to be an integral part of it. his handcrafted and drawn morning notes in a journal he had constructed himself for her and left on the kitchen table when he went to work were vital and something she needed and looked forward to just to survive. sex with her was awesome and frequent, better than he ever thought possible, but moreso, she was becoming his best friend. the one person he was finally able to come to with all he thought was important. what he learned, he told her and what she had experienced was what she expressed endlessly to him.

he couldn't imagine how he was going to live without her and decided to take each day and commit it to her, like a pledge. he would even name the days, titling them individually, in accordance to the severity of his longing for her, coupled with the specific events that would later become the story of his desperate longing to be reunited with her.

however, a unexpected event occured as he pulled into the concrete driveway of their quaint, little home that would place a severe challenge and temptation on this particular promise of fidelity.

plainly, it was what was waiting for him in the mailbox, totally out of the blue. a puma shoebox wrapped in a grocery store shopping bag deftly cut to wrap it. simply, a gesture from his doting mother concerning something she was planning to throw away anyway, thinking he might want to save it...a box she found on the shelf of his bedroom closet amongst collections of christmas lights and glass candle holders never used. he opened it and found treasure.

strewn together with seashells and souvenirs from gettysburg were handwritten letters from a highschool girlfriend named jamie that he had loved when he was seventeen. somehow he felt dirty when he started reading them. he wanted to dig his cellfone out of his pocket and call lilly, yet he couldn't help but slip a letter at the bottom of the pile out of its delicate envelope...and read. 		071116
...
crOwl yeah, he thought, this was then, but lilly now...she is my love, my one and only. he read and read. he rethought. he longed. he could see every time he had with curly, blonde-haired jamie in hunting cabins, at picnic tables next to streams, in fields at sunrise where lone horses stopped to watch.
that was then. lilly is now.

he stuffed the letters back into the box and placed it on the grate inside their tiny fireplace. gathering a few tndersticks and placing them strategically on top of the box, he scrunched up the arts section of that day's new york times and struck a wooden match. up it all went. up in flames and smoke. history...

he made himself some pasta and slathered plain yogurt on it. he drank some red wine. then he called lilly. 		071116
...
unhinged lilly stood outside the baggage claim craning her neck to look for her brother. she wasn't sure what kind of car he had these days, but knowing boo it was probably a hybrid. and then there he was. she waved neurotically and he pulled the car over to the curb.

boo popped the trunk and got out of the car to help her. he set her suitcase in the trunk and scooped her up in his arms. 'lilly.....lilly lilly lilly.' there were tears in his voice. 'why does it take a funeral for me to see you again? and who was that boy that answered the phone?'

'owen...oh owen.' she squeezed with all her might as he whispered his questions in her ear.

an airport security guard walked over to them. 'i'm sorry but there's no standing or stopping here.' the overweight failed cop pointed up at a sign that said that exact thing. owen's fist balled up and he started to bitch at the guy. lilly took him by the hand.

'come on owen. let's go.'

'what a twatbag. seriously. stupid rent-a-cop.'

'owen....it's okay.' she was very twitchy. she pressed the button for the window. down. up. all the way down. all the way up.

'lil?'

'it's nothing. i've just been on three airplanes. i left los angeles 18 hours ago. i'm just...'

'scared. come on lil. it's me. i read you like a book. remember?'

lilly was staring at the countryside slipping past on the highway. a tear slid down her face. 'i can't believe gram is dead.' owen grabbed her left hand in his right one.

'yeah, you guys were really close. especially after mom and dad died.' lilly took her hand from his and turned her face away. 'lil....we have to talk about that sometime.'

'boo, not now. i am tired. really tired. i am really glad to see you though.' she turned a tearful smile towards him and snatched his hand back up in hers and squeezed.

'so, whose this boy you're shacking up with?' he turned a disapproving big brother eye on her. she smiled even wider.

'his name is gavin.'

'how did you meet?'

'at a bar.'

'oh lilly.' owen took his hand out of hers and banged it on the steering wheel.

'owen, hey. owen. it's not like that. there are nice guys in bars too you know.'

'yeah, right.'

'do you go to bars?'

'yeah.'

'so. there. he is really nice. he has a beautiful dog named coltrane. they both take good care of me. gavin supports my painting. i sold like 20 paintings last week.'

'no shit? how much money did you make?'

'you aren't gonna believe it owen. people out there eat stuff like that up. i just set up a bunch of 'blurry flowers,' she smacked him playfully on the arm at his nickname for her signature style 'in the parking lot of a convience store and i made...drumroll please' owen thumped the steering wheel. '$5000.'

'what?! $5000? in a parking lot? NO SHIT?'

'yeah, for sure. i know. gavin set up the second bedroom in his place as my painting studio.'

'that's really cool lil. looks like we're here.' owen turned into his driveway. lilly could see his wife cooper standing in the front doorway.

'hey coop. guess what?'

'what honey?'

'lil made five grand selling her paintings out there!'

'no shit.' cooper reached over to give lilly a hug. lilly smiled at how perfect owen and cooper where for each other and gavin magically popped into her mind. 'i remembered about your whole not eating meat thing and made some eggplant parmesan for you. come inside. eat.' cooper leaned back in to the hug. 'i'm so sorry about gram. owen has been telling me all about her.'

lilly cast a nervous glance at her feet. 'yeah. she was the best lady ever.'

lilly gobbled up cooper's tasty food and was laying on the couch with their cat rusty when her phone rang.

'hey babe. my hands are so lonely without you. watchya doing?' 		071117
...
unhinged 'just your hands are lonely?' lilly was vacantly gazing at the tv, scratching rusty behind the ears.

'everything about me is lonely without you. i just thought that would be the sexy thing to say.' lilly could hear the childlike pout in gavin's voice and she could see it on his face in her mind's eye. rusty leaned into her hand, purring.

'but my hands DO miss you, and my lips, and my...'

'gavin, don't spoil it.'

'lilly come on. it's not like we ever had a reason to have phone sex before.'

'and why would we?' she giggled in a hot voice as she imagined his hands slide down her ribcage to rest on her hips.

gavin groaned. 'damn. i wish i could be biting you right now.' lilly closed her eyes and imagined the skin of the curve of her neck in his teeth.

'mmmmm. yeah,' escaped in a breathless gasp and rusty started kneeding her lap with his paws. she opened her eyes to see owen standing in front of her with his hand on his hip.

'ew. gross. you could at least wait til me and coop are asleep or something. hey, let me talk to him.'

'owen....i'm...fine. gavin, my brother owen wants to talk to you.' lilly handed owen her cellphone.

'hey. this is lilly's brother owen. what's up?' 		071117
...
crOwl hey, owen. my name's gavin," gavin said, but he did so rather awkwardly, moreso timidly, as if he wasn't expecting lilly to have such an affinity for her brother. something he had and was thankful for. yet, he was glad and it was in this sudden happiness that he asked, "how are you? i'm pleased to meet you."

owen thought him a bit gay, but not oppressively. bookish maybe? not snobby, though. and as they talked, the conversation began with the snowboarding scene at killington, and then a visit to burton's stomping grounds. owen lived in hawaii for a while and surfed kauai. so, gavin told him about the waves in ventura where he had lilly shared a two bedroom house five minutes from the waves, a nice bike ride.

and something almost magical happened as they spoke. owen trusted him and actually approved of his companionship for liily. surely she needs it, he thought. he told gavin that he was hoping to visit southern california in the spring on his way back to hawaii.

"i heard about how this little boy was visiting the toledo zoo with his mom and dad while they were
doing the "'big feed" when one day a year, the zookeepers feed the animals the carcasses of the animals that they, as carnivores would kill to eat in the wild," gavin said, when their talk paused. "and when the little boy saw a tiger in the caged area eating a baby calf he goes, 'i don't eat baby cows." and get this, his mom goes, 'oh yes you do. you had a hamburger for lunch." and the boy is literally shocked. he never knew he was eating the flesh of an animal! it was a true moment of discovery for him." 		071120
...
crOwl 'whoa...dude...." owen said, swallowing. "that's gnarly man..."

"well, in china you can buy a live chicken for $4.00 and ride a tour bus into the lion's section of a safari park with it and then throw it out the window and watch them devour it." gavin added for copious effect.

"that's nuts, man." owen laughed. he gave a thumb's up to lilly who was on her knees straining to listen to gavin's voice, pressing up against her brother like she used to do when they were little. it was a bit awkward for both of them because once owen accidently touched lilly's breast. he jumped like he was electrocuted and lilly moved away, innocently, cheeks pink with girlish embarrassment.

"i don't know about china. they have a lot of money and a huge cultural revolution. you know the olympics are coming there next year?"

"i know," owen said, watching lilly dig around in her purse. he was hoping she was looking for some sacred herb. ever since his days in hawaii, he was convinced that well bred ganja would always punctuate his transitory existence. "i heard art is exploding over there."

"it is," gavin responded. "they're turning old chicken farms into art galleries."

"bbbb.....bbbbaaallllkkk!" owen emitted, as lilly handed him a blown glass bowl full of some hydro-bliss. he fired it up and sucked in deep. he hoped he sounded like a very happy chicken.

"that's it," gavin said, laughing until he cried. 		071120
...
crOwl owen exhaled, filling the room with a skunky, rank odor, illicit odor, which, nevertheless for them, was intoxicating. lilly took the bowl from her brother and brought it ceremoniously to her lips. she thought of indians around a fire, passing the pipe, partaking in the sacred act of transcendence.

owen listened on, as gavin continued his cultural diatribe. and then, when the dopamine flooded owen's senses and he watched lilly grab a sketch pad and begin drawing, he held the phone at arm's length.

closing his eyes, he opened his mouth and out came a howl, much like the call of a wolf when its satiation is complete and its happiness pure. lilly, of course, looked up from the initial lines of her ink pen and smiled.

gavin heard it, swallowed, and he realized his journey had reached a sort of end. maybe that's why everyone is putting lights on their trees, he thought. they're celebrating this amazing life lilly and i are sharing. i should name it.

when owen brought the phone back to his lips, he cleared his throat and listened for gavin's breathing. gavin heard his.

"that was unbelievable..." gavin said. he received the name as though it were written and he had only to read it just as he remembered the throaty call of the wolf. "nepenthe," gavin uttered. "the one who chases away sorrow." 		071121
...
unhinged owen still had lillys phone to this mouth 'hey lil, your boyfriend's a little queer, as in weird. ya know?'

'here, you take this and give me the phone back asshole.' lilly passed owen the pipe to shut him up. 'sorry, owen is....'

'really cool. don't worry about it. you know how everyone around here is, just saying what they think you want to hear.'

'unless you are selling your paintings in the parking lot across the street from their gallery.' lilly smiled widely at the memory and the calming effect of the pot.

'yeah, you and your family are totally from a different place. i miss you. i miss you so much.' gavin patted his head with his free hand in a confused nervous gesture. 'when is the funeral?'

lilly's voice got small. 'tomorrow.'

'hey tell that loser to take a hike. you're with me now lil. get off the phone.' owen was prancing in front of her to get her attention.

'owen...damn. you are like a little kid. fine. fine.' lilly hit him as hard as she could with a throw pillow in the leg and owen hopped out of reach. 'did you hear that?'

'yeah. why don't you call me back later so we can continue our earlier conversation?' gavin's voice dropped to a whisper and his hand wandered down to his waist, pulling on the band of his pants that were too big for him.

lilly closed her eyes to concentrate on the memory of gavin's hands. she bit her lip. 'maybe. i think owen might keep me up all night. i'll call back if i can. i miss you too. in fact, i miss you more and love you most.'

'hey...you aren't allowed to say that to him. that's what we say. hang up already. god. you guys are gross.'

cooper walked into the living room in time to see owen bouncing around in front of lilly in an exagerrated monkey dance to distract her into hanging up the phone. she also caught a whiff of the green smoke still lingering in the air. 'no one told ME we were having a party here. chill owen. if i wasn't married to you, i'd think lilly was your girlfriend or something.' she walked over to owen and threw her arms around him.

'ew. you guys are so gross,' lilly said mockingly while sticking out her tongue and passing the pipe to cooper.

'oh bah. i just haven't seen her in forever.' owen delicately removed coopers arms from his middle and sat down next to his sister on the floor.

'so how often do you and your weirdo boyfriend do it?'

'owen!' lilly and cooper both exclaimed together.

'what? i'm just concerned for lilly's health.'

'well fine. since you want to know, we do it a lot. on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, on the stairs. he likes it better when i'm on top. i like to...'

'ok ok. ok. stop.' owen covered his ears and started shaking his head. 'la la la. can't hear you.'

'well you asked.'

cooper was sitting across from them on the floor. 'sounds like you guys really dig each other.'

'yeah, we do. you know, i think he's perfect for me.' lilly shyly looked down at the carpet right in front of her feet.

owen's face went suddenly serious. 'that's awesome lil. i'm glad you finally found a good guy. i think he's cool. so what else is up out in fucking weirdo land?' 		071125
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