my_45_fucking_days_page endless desire headlights at the top of the hill my house down and around the corner. to be safe. shining blinding, i descend. you roll the window down, so softly it seems i yell back, "i love you" and you say the same. the tires turn, a thick U-turn on your way home. i turn around. don't look back. it will make you very sad, you know. i begin to talk to myself, as i do in times like these, when i am worried, "it's ok then ell. you'll be fine, it will be over before you know it. just 45 days. no that sounds too long, how about saying just 6 weeks. well 6 and a half. . .and that still sounds long. a month and a half. no. err just 45 days. and he'll be back." my rambles don't console. not like a hug, or the touch of your hand would. my eyes sting, water thickens heavy tears seem near. i bite my tongue. "NO!" i yell much louder than i expected and much louder than i should since i am sneaking in at midnight. i bite my tongue harder. tastebuds recongnize blood. "you idiot" i whisper. i always talk to myself when i am upset. the tears have faded but sorrow still envelops. a deep sense of alone and uncertainty lingers. thick like the smell of the warm evening the way it chokes yours longues but you rejoice because you've waited for these days to come. in the honest california night. and you can smell the loneliness. i'll be fine, i reassure, hand over my mouth to resist the temptation of shouting in frustration and loss. it seems i am doing better than when raul left. it is not that long, i continue. breathing in deeply. i feel as though i am choking on the heavy night air--a feeling so foreign to me lately. this will be good for me. i had to convince myself. i wanted to blind myself with optimism. and when you asked how i felt before you went to bed, i told the truth and seemed to snap at you. but the feelings have faded and i will be strong. it really isn't that long. i tend to blow these things out proportion. i am just not used to you being gone for nearly 7 weeks, espcialy when i haven't seen you all this week. but it is fine. i am fine. you are fine. we are fine. i_miss_you ((already)) 030706 ... Sparticus 43 already. . . i love you 030707 ... endless desire this scared the shit out of me. i couldn't imagine how you blathed and figured someone else did with your name i am glad it was you. still 44 over here. lucky, you have 9 hours on me. im still living in yesterday. 030707 ... endless desire a week tomorrow. gah, i can't take this anymore. and now im off. at least when i return, another week will have passed. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. 030713 ... endless desire checks another day off her calendar. 030719 what's it to you? who go blather from