i_wasnt_gonna_do_this x a thing i've realized over time: through the stimulus we are given when we are impressionable beings, we may become self defeating. this becomes a cycle. some people only give a half assed effort at whatever they pursue, so they will not have to feel that they have failed in the end (because they didn't really try anyway... hard to understand unless you do it yourself). that is just another form of failure, however, and also cyclical. this process is like spinning_my_wheels. you get nowhere, except stuck deeper. your eyes become covered in mud. you come to believe that there's no other existence for you. you become so convinced that when people come by and try to help you out, you tell them no. wipe your eyes. take a deep breath. start climbing. if someone offers a hand, take it. if you slip backwards (you will), keep trying. 031002 ... Syrope some people will rear back and charge into something at full steam. they'll fight until they're exhausted, and only crawl out of the ring when they're damaged beyond recognition. that's what i do. or did, up until now. theres some sort of change on the horizon, and i dont know if i should hide or run to greet it. the last_thing_i_want_to_do is to turn into one of those people who to me seem weak and snivelling - who can only succeed in something after wasting time dallying around the edges, collecting small confidence boosts, having everyone and their mother assure them that they *can* do this, and then they can tiptoe in. and half the time they still give up. and they think its their perrogative. like it's ok for them to not do their best or follow through because "aw they've had such a hard time" or "it's only the first time they messed up - must not need to be addressed!" some mistakes don't allow the grace period of fucking up one time around. and if you can't handle simple tasks, don't expect someone to treat you like you can. if you act like an asshole, expect to be given the looks and the reactions that you just "don't understand"... sometimes i'm so scared of burning out, of crashing. but the alternative is just as frightening. when the person who knows you best warns you to slow down, you have to at least consider...but i think i'm going to ride this out. i might not make it through with my sanity intact, but if i do, i'll know myself a lot better than i do now. and i'll know never to do this again. 031002 ... Lemon_Soda I think you guys are sharing a chapter with them that I've read in my self. It really smacks a guy when its flat out said, but sometimes thats what it takes to realize how much your fucking yourself. Thank you. 031002 what's it to you? who go blather from