re_alisma -there are some people in my life that find themselves to be a reaction to a reaction, and that life is some life sentence for them to be that way, and they just want an anchor that guarantees neither they nor the anchor will mess it up any further.

and it makes for a lot of stability, routine, and, in some cases, boredom, rebellion, and reaction to a reaction justification.

what makes this un-boring, to me, is that i will earn some different situation, someday, but maybe not until some key death_card is dealt or series of un-ignorable events occur that makes the changes all make sense to everyone involved. i don't want anybody feel like they were a big big loser, but what if they have a tendency to think like that anyway?

i have a 100% faith that it will be different eventually. this drives my dad absolutely bananas because where's my sense of unflinching loyalty to family. i think next time i see him i'll have to break it to him that i've never been all that much of a family person.... i've just needed them, and, yes, I'M USING THEM.

dad, it's my brother that has Jupiter in Cancer. he is way, way aligned psychologically. that's not-so-much me. watch me be the crazy aunt for, like, ever, or quit this super-duper stability shit with me. please.

i just know i will have to compromise with him, though. he has a really tremendous way of INSISTING. when i wasn't feeling all that well, i kinda thought he might be influenced by the mafia. but then again, it was MY BROTHER that watched the Godfather with gusto. IT SURE WASN'T ME!!!! Mafia loyalties are, from what i can tell, bad and that's why i was so worried about it! and, i had to figure out why my brother had to come out winner by making me into a loser, which is of course a bad deal that make me a little pissed off, jealous, and crazy.

i'm definitely loyal in my way, he just seems to insist on reacting to how he or i have been reacting and going with that in some sort of you-gotta-accept-it and make-it-rock-solid strategy.

i don't even watch basketball anymore, but i'm still a better player, mentally, than my father. but that's because i'm an aspirer, and he's, well, a settle-r, until i start making him angry. and then, you know, it's reaction to a reaction to a reaction time..... he's got a problem with pot though, and you'd think he'd be over it by now. that's why he comes at me with all the time with keep-it-dank thinking.

perhaps: weak father for me, strong father for my brother. i don't really get how that works, essentially, but i can see that my nephew and niece are oppositional enough to realize that there's some sort of opposite-game scene happening.

won't you guess my name? (you are named Reaction to a Reaction to a Reaction! just get on the family-is-everything work-sucks gravy train! of course, stuck, forlorn daughter can make it all better! stuck forever! )

that's my father's day ramble. he is actually smarter than i'm making him out to be. i am grateful to my father for being there for me, even if he exacts a pretty high emotional commitment from me, and i find myself having to defend myself (like just the other day). you are so very very lucky reader. i know you wanted to know all about my Saturn Cancer manifestation thing. sorry my life got fucked up, or i fucked it up or whatever, can we move up, on, or out of that scene? cuz if my dad won't, i feel like i should try to.... Jupiter folks, do you agree?
l o st g i rl the 'duties' of being a daughter are endless
though this relationship born from love should seemingly not be considered "work" per se.

i recently was reminded, however, by my mother that no matter how hard i try,

what i give of myself will never, ever come close to being enough
what's it to you?
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