my_bulimic_state_of_mind endless desire my constant state of mind. consumes but i don't push it away. this is what i wanted? i wish i still hated it all but i don't. and i wish i cared about stopping but i don't. i get hungry. i really do. and i have to eat something. anything. i mine as well get all my cravings out of the way, and then out of me, so i can go a few more days again. just a few tickles and there goes 10 minutes worth of regreat and mistake into a plastic bowl. i can't take it. i just needed a break today. the first 24 hours is always the hardest. after that it's easy going. you don't really feel. you just are. my favourite part of throwing up is the end. . .the end where it's all just the deepest parts of me. a lot of people don't bother with that part, but i like it. losing control. feeling disease. i'm not there. an amazing drug. i hate it and i love it. knees to chest so entirely wrapped into myself. i've faded into my mind, and i'm dying there. dying, but smiling nonetheless. some days i feel as though i'm dancing with no rhythm. swaying my hips side to side, all alone. i let the air dip me and hope that someone will be there when i fall to the floor. fall (through) the floor. it gives and i sink in. . .like water into carpet. . .sand into cracks. slipping so quiet, you don't even notice i'm gone. i'm_so_far_gone. the mirrors the motivation, ladies and gentlemen. pressing foward, pushing time. completely surrounded by people, yet so alone. voices walking past. . .losing my hearing, just mumbles. and i can't focus on any single person, only the mass. crowds blend into one colour, moving in speedy motion, charging past me, through me. i try to speak, but words don't say how i feel. instead they smile and ask about their day and classes and girlfriends or boyfriends or teachers or sports or anything that isn't what i meant. that isn't crying for help. . . but then i like here, remember? falling. at least they can't find me where i am. 030829 ... . why_we_do 030829 ... Sparticus no, you dont like it there. and i dont remember that. i remember you. can you? i am here, darling i love you. please, talk to me 030829 ... endless desire you have no room to talk. you lost that last week. but if you are going to talk to me, don't reply to blathes. try actually talking to me. i don't communicate with people i actually know through blather. i don't enjoy that and i don't write to be told i'm wrong by someone who already thinks i'm wrong anyways. 030829 ... werewolf it's so true what you said. there's a moment afterwards where you aren't good, you aren't bad, you just are. you take in breaths, you default your way through conversations and you realize that it's not true when people say, "you can't live like this." 030830 what's it to you? who go blather from