holly_and_her_black_jacket startfires there is this picture in my head. and i couldn't get rid of it if i wanted to. there is this person that i feel like i have to be, this life that i have to integrate into my own until we are one. it keeps me awake at night because i can't have it and gets me through the day because maybe someday i can. i can see myself in the place that i live standing, smoking, drinking, laughing my loud, appreciative laugh as i always do. but this is another person that i see, long displaced from reality that i know now. she will never be exactly confident, because she came from where i am now and she will never forget it. maybe she could if there weren't so many pictures, so many stories and memories. fond memories for some, mostly resentment and nausea and hate for her. take everything away, we wish we could BURN what we are now and skip forward to what we will be then but we need today to learn and to grow. grow our brain, grow our wings, grow our experience for when we will need it the most and we are at last safe in the arms of what we have been waiting for for so long. and we will not be content because we are never really content no matter what we get, no matter what happens. holly sheds her black wool coat to show her bony, freckled shoulders, the tips of her blonde hair just touching her skin. she has no idea. 010402 ... erin the luftwaffe no you can't fucking burn it but you can remember what it is that you hate and when the time comes to make the decision, when it comes down to what you want more than anything and the compulsion of the moment, you can remember what it is that you are setting fire to. 010402 ... bijou i could feel my fingers around the rim of the can. i could feel my feet on the floor. i could look out the window into the dark street two stories below the hotel room. it looks like my city, a bit smaller and cleaner. maybe it could be the next city over. now i realize why i thought i could change you. its because the girl with the tapes thought i could change you. and somehow, now, i will make her tapes and it will make you love me? god i am so fucked up. but is that what she was trying to say, that you need me? everything is still the fucking same. every day it is the same insanity. i feel it like a weight pressing on my eyelids and my temples. but i never remember when it matters, i have shut everything out so long that i am completely numb to it. what have i done? 010808 ... kuleilani thick, trickle, drip its so hot in here i just need to get a little closer, a little thread turns into a cable turns into a tapestry i understand how the police can come out with five albums about being lonely. 010808 ... bijou holly stood with her weight resting heavily on one hip. the girlfriend_section was in full attendence, the boys haven't played a show at home for quite a while now. tonight it is trent's birthday. she shifts her weight to the other hip and sighs heavily. she's only here for him. 011011 ... bijou eh, i mean the_girlfriend_section ? 011011 what's it to you? who go blather from