square_the_circle_chapter_8_ crOwl tim found the seat he had shared with kayla and scott on the snow-stalled greyhound, crawled in and settled himself against the window. he sighed heavily and his hot breath made a small circle against the frozen white glass. he felt the numbing chill against his cheek and closed his eyes. it was such a relief to be alone and quiet with the sirens absent and the ambulance gone. when scott told him that clara was alive and he didn't have to steal the car it was like someone had rescued him from drowning. and here he was now laying on the shore coughing up water. his heart was still racing. yet, just when he thought he was going to be alright, the image of clara, falling down upon the bathroom floor and his own self helping her puke into the toilet popped abruptly into his fragile mind. those last few dreadful minutes replayed in his head like a horror movie. clara's pale lifeless face, scott saying she was dead, kayla's piercing screams, the whole life threatening tragedy swirling around his head in some kind of demonic kaleidoscope. he tried to make it stop, but blinking one away only brought another one into view. he tried turning to the left but the ghastly scene was there as well. he leaned forward and thrust his head into his hands. all of it came rushing forwards, a swollen river of hammers and knives that washed over him, pounded him, slashed him. he sat there trembling, his soul bruised and bloodied, his heart hanging by threads. panic gripped him by the throat and choked him until he begged for breath. the devil himself seemed to be sitting beside him visciously accusing him of the willfull crimes his utter foolishness and blatant selfishness had committed. when he seemed to mercilessly condemn him for the sick desire to get a teen-aged girl drunk and have sex with her, the nearness of her death, the shameful burden he placed on kayla and scott, his inevitable arrest, and going off to jail again... he couldn't help it. he wept and rocked back and forth in the lonely bus seat. for the first time since he was six years old tears came forth, slid down his crumpled cheeks and dripped one by one to his soiled jeans. "ohmygodohmygod," he cried. "i am so sorry, i...am...so...sorry." in room 526 of the holiday inn off the interstate recently closed due to hazardous conditions, scott and kayla embraced. he listened to the light sound of her sobbing and whispered into her soft hair, his lips calming the fear that had creeped over her. adrenalin had enabled her to deal with clara's catastrophe and the will to survive and pull through for others empowered her to bring her back to life, but dealing with the state cops and the ridiculous mrs. dupont had drained every last ounce of sanity from her. scott's arms had become for her a sanctuary. a place of peace and comfort she desperately clung to. scott closed his eyes and tightened his arms. he could feel kayla relaxing and melting. it made him feel needed. and that's what he wanted to do. he wanted to give this strange girl that fate had brought to him in a greyhound bus what she needed. if it was open arms to unload her anxiety, he would be there waiting. with paige, she would come looking for him and could not find him. "scott?" kayla asked into his shirt made damp by her tears. her voice was muffled, but calm. "yeah?" "if i ask you something will you get mad?" she pulled her head away enough to look seriously into his eyes. a few strands of her brown hair clung to her cheeks. he gently pulled them away. "no, i won't be mad. what is it?" he would do anything for her. this was their beginning. "i, um, want to be naked with you, but i can't make love to you, not yet. will you just hold me until i fall asleep?" scott swallowed. kayla could hear it in the quiet of the room. "of course," scott said, holding her again, close to himself. "i would love that." 050110 ... unhinged kayla woke up to the phone ringing in her ear. she reached up and answered it 'hello this is the front desk. greyhound buses would like you to meet your driver in the lobby at 4pm to determine whether the bus will leave or not. thank you.' before kayla could say a word, the annoying buzz of a empty line was ringing in her ear. kayla squirmed out of scott's arms expertly without waking him. she glanced at the clock and groaned. 9am was too early for her. after last night, she could spend days in bed. her and scott decided to stay in their underwear to sleep. they both thought maybe it might be better that way. she didn't even have the emotional energy to make out. he just pulled her close and held her. kayla shook her head at the memory. why did she need that? why did she need someone to hold her when she slept? all traumatic situations aside, she slowly went crazy when she slept alone. she had barely been broke up with sammy for a week and she was already sleeping with another guy. what the fuck was her problem? she grabbed her purse and walked into the bathroom. closing the toilet seat to sit down, she began to look through her purse. she pulled her boxcutter out of her purse and set it on the counter next to her and stared at it. she picked it up and banged the end on the counter to expose the blade. running her finger against the sharp edge faintly, she couldn't stop thinking about sammy. most people didn't notice the pink and white geometric scars on the undersides of her forearms. suicide wasn't her goal; if she wanted to carve herself up good she sure as hell wouldn't use a boxcutter. but, boxcutters stung enough to distract her from all the clamor in her head. she sat staring at the blade biting her lip. should she? shouldn't she? should she? it was the same struggle everytime. suddenly, there was a knock on the outside door. kayla's heart jumped. she flipped the cutter upside down and banged it on the counter again to cover the blade. she grabbed a towel and threw it around her. tim's head floated in the peep hole. she hid behind the door as she opened it. 'come in dude. hurry. i'm not dressed.' he scooted in the door without a word. he turned to look at her silently and she could tell he had had a hellish night. 'oh dude. the last i heard it's all good man.' she picked up some clothes and walked to the bathroom. 'i have to put some clothes on. one minute.' when she came back, she sat next to him on the bed and put her arm around his shoulders. he still sat on the edge of the bed dumbfounded. 'i just...i can't believe what i almost did. i'm such a fucking piece of shit.' he smacked his forehead with the butt of his palm so hard that kayla cringed. she grabbed his hand by the wrist and held it away from his face. 'no. no you're not. you didn't know she swallowed a handful of pills before she came here. you aren't her babysitter and chances are she would have told you to fuck off if you would have said anything about how fast she was drinking. how much weed did she smoke with you?' 'only like one or two hits.' 'well see, there ya go. it wasn't you dude. that poor kid is fucked up. she put herself on a one-way street last night. you couldn't have done anything to stop her really. you were really only the cherry on top. don't beat yourself up dude.' kayla rested her cheek on his shoulder and put his hand on his lap, but didn't let go of his wrist. they both jumped at the sound of scott's voice. 'kayla's right tim. really. no you guys. it's cool.' he got out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt, sat down on the other side of tim and put his arm around him from the other side. the three of them sat like that for quite awhile. kayla turned to look at the clock and it said 10:21 in bright red blaring digital numbers. 'how about some breakfast guys?' 050110 ... crOwl "that sounds good to me," scott said, standing up. below his patagonia t-shirt he was wearing gap boxers, red and white striped. he stretched, raising his arms as high as he could and groaned. he had slept surprisingly well. the memory of kayla's soft body in his arms was pleasant as snippets of dream dissolved before he could gather them in any logical order. he was one of those people who wrote their dreams down and studied them. as if there were messages to be received from a parallel existence. "how about you dude?" he said, lightly kicking tim in the shin with his bare foot. "i'm fucking starving." tim was staring into space. the tap on his leg yanked him back. "yeah," he said, running his hand across his scraggly beard. "sounds good." kayla was back in the bathroom getting ready. they could hear the toilet flush, water running in the sink and then the methodical drumming of the shower. scott pulled on his worn cords and searched for his socks. he could only find one. "motherfucker!" he yelled. tim laughed. any distraction was good. he found it under the bed. the docs were easier. "so where did you end up last night?" scott asked, tying his boots. "the bus, dude. fortunately the driver was in there." "really? i would think he would have gotten a room." "i don't know. i'm glad he was there. it was like going home. i just couldn't come back to this room. it seems haunted or some shit." "how are you feeling?" "a little better. i'm having trouble shaking it." "it'll take time." "yeah, man. i guess. it was just too close, dude. i mean, she was dead. you guys saved her, man. and i was stealing her mother's ride. FUCK that!" tim fell backwards on the bed. the springs groaned. "look," scott said, sitting on the chair next to the dresser. "it's over. we'll have some breakfast. take a walk, see what happens, then we'll get on the bus and go on." scott grabbed his carry on and serched around. "dude, i gave up. it was kayla who saved her. we all have something to learn from it." "yeah, how not to be an ass." the shower stopped. tim sat up. they could hear kayla's movements. scott had pulled a leather journal from his bag and wrote at a wicked pace. pen across paper like a plow in fallow ground. tim pulled a pack of cigarettes from his front pocket, banged it against his palm and fired one up. he exhaled and closed his eyes. there was the image of clara, pale and lifeless. kayla came out of the bathroom. both scott and tim looked up at her at the same time. she was stunning. her brown hair, just washed and brushed wafted the scent of her shampoo as it flowed around her face. everything about her seemed to shine. "ready?" she asked, smiling. "let me brush my teeth," scott answered, shutting his journal and stuffing it back into his bag. tim stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. kayla sat next to tim. "how are you?" she laid her head on his shoulder and reaching for his arm, she pressed it in an effort of friendly concern. tim breathed in her scent. felt her wet hair against his cheek. "better now." he said. scott took a leak, catching sight of kayla's open purse on the floor next to the toilet. he wanted to look in. he wanted to see everything that defined who she was. but he didn't. he knew it wasn't right. he flushed and then stood in front of the mirror and squeezed some toothpaste on to his frayed brush. as he worked it around his mouth he reflected about last night, how kayla's firm body felt in his arms, the stirring conversation they had about life and death before she fell asleep first and how she talked in her sleep, incoherent babbling that seemed so serious, so troubled. he wanted to know what would cause such desperate utterance. she's such a mystery, he thought. he spit, washed out his mouth and brush, and joined them again. they stood up and headed for the door. "oh, let me get my purse." kayla said. she skipped back in after it. scott checked his back pocket for his wallet. it was there. "you must have had fun last night," tim winked. scott smiled big and bright. kayla came out with her purse and followed them out of the room. tim was last. he looked back at the bathroom and cringed. the hotel's restaurant was on the first floor across from the main entrance. kayla, scott, and tim were met by a cheerful hostess, her long streaked hair piled on top of her head was falling down slightly around the sides. she wore dangling silver earrings with turquoise beads and well applied make up. "three?" she asked, perfectly sculpted eyebrows lifting, veneer caps shining. scott immediately noticed her dimples. "yeah," kayla answered. "right this way." they followed. both tim and scott watched the hostess walk with small heels, her high ass tight behind low waisted khaki pants. her banana republic shirt exposing a thin line of bare back where a tattoo could be faintly seen. kayla looked out the large plate glass windows. cars and semis whizzed by the interstate, even though everything else seemed to be a winter wonderland. "looks like the roads are open," she said. "yeah, the snow stopped," scott said. he looked back at tim. he had his head down and dragged his feet. the restaurant was nearly full and a clamor of voices filled the room with an air of expectancy and potential. tim could hear someone mention the word ambulance. they sat down at a booth next to the window. kayla slid in first. scott sat on the other side. tim next to kayla. the hostess set three menus down in front of them on the wooden table. "your waitress will be right with you." "thanks," kayla said. she looked at scott. his eyes, having met the momentary gaze of the hostess, lingered on her as she walked away. and then he looked over at kayla. she glanced quickly away to a sparrow who had landed on a snow capped evergreen shrub outside the window and then down at her menu. 050111 ... unhinged kayla looked back at the waitress as she made her rounds and quickly catalogued her. of course he would watch her; hell, kayla was watching her. tim was fidgeting with his fork and kayla grabbed it out of his hand without looking. 'dude....' 'what kayla? god.' 'you guys squabble like siblings. do i need to sit in between you?' scott stuck his tongue out as kayla looked up to glare at him. his favorite pasttime was quickly becoming making the glare in her eyes crumble into a begrudging smile or maybe even a laugh if he was lucky. the waitress came back to the table with a smile. 'ready to order?' kayla pointed at scott and tim 'if you take their orders first i should be ready.' 'geez. not one of those. i'll have the three egg breakfast with rye toast and bacon and a cup of coffee.' she shorthanded tim's order on a pad and turned to scott. 'the bagel and fruit plate with a glass of orange juice please.' scott smiled widely at the waitress and she stopped to flip her hair before she turned to kayla. kayla exhaled an exasperated sigh. her and scott had no verbal contracts but he could at least wait to play until she wasn't looking. 'i think i'll have the bacon cheeseburger with hashbrowns instead of fries with a side of ranch and a coffee. thanks.' kayla reached over to collect scott and tim's menus and handed the waitress the stack. 'i'll put that right in for you guys.' three thank yous chased after the waitress as she walked towards the kitchen. 'a cheeseburger?! what's that about? it's barely 11am.' tim diverted her with questions so he could steal back his fork. 'doesn't matter. i hate breakfast food. eggs, pancakes, toast...ick. besides, a bacon cheeseburger is major comfort food and i haven't eaten much since i got on that bus.' they chatted about diners and allnight coffee and cigarette binges and 24 hour whole foods snack shops until their food came. they quietly munched away until every scrap was gone from the table. the waitress brought the check and set it next to scott. kayla craned her neck and began to reach over the table. scott took the check and held it out over the aisle where she couldn't reach. 'come on scott. let me see the check.' 'yeah dude. let me see it too. i think i owe like $5.' 'come on guys. it's on me.' kayla and tim both began to protest. 'ok. you can both shut up now. i'm paying the bill. leave the tip if you want.' they both pulled out fives and set them in the middle of the table. scott pulled out a $20 and set it on top of the check. as the three of them scooted out from the table, kayla cleared her throat. 'oh yeah. i forgot to tell you guys. the front desk said to meet the bus driver in the lobby at 4pm to see if we are going to get going again. by the looks of the roads, we should be heading out.' they made their way back upstairs to gather their stuff and watch a little t.v. to kill time. when kayla opened the door, there was a piece of white paper on the floor folded in half. she bent over to pick it up and tim kneed her in the ass. 'uumm...there is a note on the floor. keep your knee to yourself thanks.' she opened the piece of paper, read it, and dropped it. scott picked it up off the floor. in tiny black letters in the middle of the page it said 'kayla, sorry, thanks. - c' 050111 ... crOwl when the paramedics had rolled clara out of the hotel room, into the hallway, down the elevator and into the ambulance, the usual quickened pace by which they moved was altered and relaxed, not only by the snow and cold but by the very fact that most of the recovery work had already been done for them by kayla and scott and as they later learned by clara herself, when she had vomited up most, if not all of the drugs she had overdosed on using the vodka as some kind of aid. although she wore the oxygen mask, she still attempted to talk through it. her speech was slurred and her vision blurry but she asked for her mother like a scared and lost child. moments later, her mother, a disgruntled and haggard mess of a woman, stepped up into the ambulance, led there by the two illinois state troopers, who were still very suspicious of the recent neglect of her teen-aged daughter. they informed her to expect a follow up later in the day concerning counseling sessions. she ignored them, shutting the ambulance doors in their face. arriving at the emergency room in naperville, clara was seen immediately by the on call doctor because the weather had kept most people inside. they had seen a few vehicle accident victims, but that was earlier in the night. she was expertly handled and treated. all they really needed to give her was activated charcoal to insure all of the drug was removed from her body. "your're a very lucky girl," the doctor told her. "whoever it was that helped you should be given a medal." with the oxygen mask removed and a glucose iv in her right hand to rehydrarte her, she was making an amazing recovery. her mother sat on the edge of the small e-room bed and held her other hand, squeezing it. "stop, mom, that hurts," clara said. "i'm ok, really. i'm going to be alright." she was still pale, yet there was a slight twinkle in her eyes that promised a complete recovery. her mother could see it and she let go of her nervous grip and leaned over, kissing her on the cheek. "oh, angel. what did those hoodlums do to you? did they force you to steal my vodka and pills? tell me the truth darling. we'll have them arrested." clara sat up on her elbows, straining at her i.v. the stand nearly toppled over. her mother rushed to steady it. "MOM! didn't you hear what the doctor said! don't you realize! i was the one who fucked up!" "clara, such language!" "sorry, but, those guys are my friends. they saved my life! i would have died if it wasn't for them!" her mother blinked, staring deep into her thoughts of accusation, she remembered her burst of fury against kayla. gripped by the realization that her own daughter would have reason to overdose and that her own neglect was that reason, she struggled with the acceptance that she was the one at fault, even more than clara. she reached out for clara's hand again, this time holding it looser and softer. "listen, clara." she said, speaking with a hushed tone that seemed to signify a change of heart. "i realize that your father and i have made some mistakes raising you and there's nothing we can do about the past." her voice took on a dramatic quavering. her eyes swelled with tears. clara squeezed her hand in return. "it's ok, mom," she said. "we've all made mistakes. le's just go on to new york and start over." "oh honey, i'm so sorry." she broke down and leaned over. clara met her halfway. they held each other a long time. finally her mother let go and reached for a tissue at the bedside. she wiped both of their eyes. "so your new friends actually saved your lives?" "yeah. especially the girl. her name is kayla." "kayla?" "yeah." "that's a beautiful name." "she's a beautiful person." "did you meet her at the hotel?" "no. it was weird. i met her at the last rest stop before the snow hit. remember when you made that wrong turn and we were heading in the wrong direction?" "yes?" "and we pulled into the hotel to wait out the storm?" "yes?" "well, there she was with her friends at the lobby." "where are they going?" "they're on a greyhound bus to california." "really?" "yeah." "what are they planning to do when they get there?" "i don't think they really know. they're just going." "hmmm." mrs. dupont suddenly grew quiet. she stroked clara's pink and blonde hair off her forehead, her diamond encrusted bracelet catching the flourescent light at the top of the bed. she was a woman whose wealth was always her first concern and it was the way she always got herself out of trouble. even here she grasped for it and clung to it and saw it as the way she would attempt to erase this tragedy. she thought about how clara's friends saved her daughter's life, how they were traveling aimlessly, no plans, no direction. she wanted to do something to show her gratitiude. she felt horrible for how she had treated kayla, how she had accused her for nothing. then it hit her. a wonderful idea filled her head. yes, it would make everything better again. clara could see the change in her face. "what is it mom?" clara continued to improve and after she finally fell asleep, her mother as well in the chair beside the bed, she woke recharged and strained to get out. "mom!" "what is it angel?" "let's go! remember your amazing idea!" her mother smiled. the doctor, impressed by clara's recovery released her, but not until she ate a hearty breakfast and proved she was as strong on her feet as she was in the bed. "it's basically a miracle, mrs. dupont." the doctor told her. "i know," she said. "come on, mom. let's go. i want to get there before their bus leaves!" and that's why kayla found the thank you note on the floor of room 526. a small prelude of the amazing news to come. scott saw kayla read the paper and drop it. "what's that?" he asked. she picked it back up and gave it to him. tim came over and they both read it. suddenly, there was a knock on the door. kayla opened it. it was mrs. dupont and clara. several minutes later, as they all spoke, apologies were made and accepted, hugs given, tears shed, questions asked, answers given. and then, mrs. dupont made her startling offer in an effort to repay them for their generous act of saving clara's life. their house in reno needed someone to occupy it while they got settled in new york. "would you guys consider it?" 050112 ... unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_9_ 050113 ... a must read red blathe . 050801 what's it to you? who go blather from