snippets nr she shivers in her lightweight jacket and pulls the hood tightly over her head, quickening her step. she doesn't know why she never checks the weather before leaving her apartment. it's always so hot in there that it's misleading. she has a lot on her mind; sometimes even the worst weather can't even permeate her thoughts. she considers this as she feels snowflakes begin to fall on her nose and fog up her glasses. she walks up to the corner of gman's, one of the few staples in this city that has barely changed in decades. it's still the same divey bar with the same owners who are resistant to change. she opens the door and wipes her feet, though it's probably not necessary. a pair of dancing audience members immediately twirl past her and motion for her to join. she clocks how this is one of the few places where people regularly get up and dance to the blues. she politely declines as she removes her coat and pretends to look for someone, but really looks around for no one. she just wants to be here. she can depend on a place like this. 250822 ... nr she's excited and depressed, in equal measures, reading the journal of a writer she loves. she has met them before, a long time ago, but they wouldn't remember her. they were in the limelight back then. the writer has moved to a remote town and talks about single life with their dog and how it's a struggle to afford things on a daily basis. they reflect rather than complain, but the dissatisfaction is clear. they write about how surprised they were upon finding out a once-famous local author was running a gofundme to avoid getting evicted from her apartment. does everyone eventually end up in this place? if this happens to them, what hope is there for her? 250824 ... nr she stands outside sharing a joint with them after the show. in these moments she regresses in a way she doesn't mind. she doesn't feel the weed's effects the same way they do, she always notices. nothing ever really stops her from moving, while they seem to be okay with space. 250828 ... nr if she had a superpower, it would be the ability to manipulate time. she would freeze them to a moment like this. there would be no unhealthy repetition, no patterns, no need for awareness. she doesn't have that superpower. but she has the superpower to see too much. 250828 ... nr she wants friendships like abbi and ilana's in broad city, especially if it means driving amy sedaris around in a pedicab. but she doesn't really want that because eventually every relationship gets too codependent. 250910 ... nr she idly notices that her current decisions always seem to factor in what will happen eventually. 250910 ... nr every time she considers birth control, she thinks of kara... kind, smart, beautiful, 26-year-old kara, who died from a blood clot caused by the birth control pills she was taking. all she'd wanted was to prevent the birth of a child, and it caused her death. she tears the prescription up into so many pieces they turn to dust. 250910 ... nr "where were they going without ever knowing the way?" she sings idly while washing dishes. she remembers him telling her that fastball's album was actually really, really good. and she trusted his taste. she allows herself to sink into the comfort of nostalgia. 250915 ... nr she does a lot of things idly. but her mind is never idle. 250915 ... nr "why are you together?" he asked. she shrugged. "it's just easier to have a plus-one." 250915 ... nr she's falling somewhere. we don't know where or by how much, but it feels more like this than her usual stagnant state. she tries to remember if she has always felt so unhappy at her job. she wonders if some of it was couched by his brand of support, which came through complimenting her phone demeanour and growing confidence and knowledge in the field that he's familiar with through decades of work. maybe he drew some light out of the tunnel through his enthusiasm and belief in her. his presence was only welcome occasionally and in a certain way, though. otherwise he would change in a way she couldn't and didn't want to handle. but is it better than nothing? nothing seems to make her fall, which is odd in a way. it seems as though something would cause someone to fall, rather than nothing. she realizes it's not nothing, but it's nothing that she needs. she needs support, but all she has is ties to things that don't make her feel supported. 251019 what's it to you? who go blather from