codependent tender_square “when one of my parent’s dies, i know i’m going to have to move in with the other,” annaliese said. “my parents have no friends. i keep trying to get my mom to develop some hobbies. my dad has no idea how to run a house.” we were strolling back to the car after lunch on the sidewalk in the sun at ginger deli—me, michael, erin, and annaliese. “yeah, i would hate that,” erin said. “but then again, we’ve never been married so maybe it’s supposed to be that way?” “eh, to a degree,” i offered as the only wedded woman. michael was beside me, and i worried that my contribution could bite me in the ass after we dropped erin and annaliese off, that he may have thought i was taking a dig at him. when it was just the two of us driving home i asked, “do you think we’re too co-dependent?” “oh, yeah,” he said casually. “we’ve talked about this before.” michael’s been wanting to be more social for several years now, but as a serious introvert who wants intense relationships, it’s always been a challenge for him. he was on the verge of working up the courage to create some kind of group around jungian thought, but then i got accepted into grad school and we moved from ann arbor. michael hated bowling green the minute we unloaded the moving truck—what was the point of finding a community in a place you loathed? then, covid happened. we’ve been holed up together for 18 months, our contact limited with the outside world. an hour after lunch, michael waited in the car as i went to erin’s door to drop off her garage opener that was accidentally left behind in our backseat. “thank you for being so cool about michael being with us all the time,” i said to her, handing it over. “oh, it’s fine!” erin was always so gracious. “i was going to text you and annaliese after that co-dependent conversation at lunch, because michael and i have been talking about that subject a lot.” “oh my god, i’m so sorry! i didn’t even think—” “no, no, no. it’s fine. we recognize that it’s something we want to improve. but i’m all michael has right now and he’s asked me not to leave him at home alone when he’s having a hard time.” “what’s going on?” erin leaned into her door frame. “just all the loss—his mom, his brother being ill, and he just let go of a friend he’s had since childhood.” “would he want to talk about it at the fire later?” “maybe,” i said. “you could always ask if you wanted to.” i hugged her and jogged back to the car. “i was just asking erin if there’s anything we can bring tonight for the fire,” i said to michael as i buckled myself in. “is there?” “no, you know erin.” i smiled. i hadn’t seen erin’s friend leah in person for years, though we’ve been on a few zoom gatherings together during the pandemic. i met leah’s fiancé jeff once, when they were newly dating, as i joined them along with erin and annaliese for breakfast near christmas in 2019. i still have the photo we took that day of all of us at the table. there was talk that leah was going to bring jeff to the fire, which would’ve have been great for michael, but leah showed up alone. i could feel michael bristle beside me when we realized this. he is always the only guy at these things. “we don’t have to stay long,” i whispered to him. after we got home, michael spoke of how badly he needed some male energy in his life. he wants to learn how to ice skate and play hockey, even though he feels like an old fart. “it’s hard because i’m drawn to the more feminine elements of life,” he said. “you either care about people or you care about things, and i care about people.” he lost his college buddies after he got sober. we got invited to his friend’s wedding in georgia back when we had first gotten together and rsvped yes. but michael’s anxiety increased the nearer the trip loomed. “none of those guys know i’m sober and we were pretty heavy drinkers,” he’d said. we didn’t travel for the trip. sometimes it’s easier to avoid than to explain; i guess he and i have a pattern when it comes to bailing on friends’ weddings. in grad school, he was the only man in his cohort. and all the women in classes alongside him were in committed relationships. when he started his social work program at u of m, he was one of a few men in his classes—the program was predominantly women. “it sounds like jeff and i would’ve gotten along, too,” michael said. “when you were inside getting tea with erin, i heard leah talk about all the issues he’s been having with work.” jeff has been out of work as a web designer for the past few months and he’s been interviewing, but the process has been stressful as companies expect him to jump through many hoops to get hired. “you could tell by the way leah talked about it that he was having a moral issue with the situation at his previous job—the whole point of his work is to get people to spend more time on websites.” “i wish he would’ve been there; i only met him once but he struck me as being similar to you; he was quiet and sensitive.” i managed to get leah’s phone number at the fire so she and i could start texting. she’s in her second year of grad school for modern dance and constantly feels that she’s on the verge of quitting. “i know what that’s like,” i relayed to her. “text me anytime you need to vent, i’m here for you.” she’s going to have a busy schedule over the next few months, but maybe our friendship will grow during that time. “you keep saying you want to hang out with more couples,” michael said. it’s true. i really do. 211019 ... nr this makes me think of my friends *daisy and *fig. they've been together for almost a decade at this point. i became friends with fig first, and then got to know daisy through him, and now we're all good friends. daisy has said she really doesn't know what she'd do if she ever lost fig; she depends on him so much. she has family and a few close friends, but he's by far her favourite person and the one she trusts the most. she has also often said she wishes she had more friends to hang out with, but she also craves deep connection. the idea that she might not find it in other people like she wants to causes her to kind of give up on the idea. she also says it's hard to meet anyone she likes as much as fig, who's her best friend. she also feels self-conscious and thinks she comes off awkward in groups, but i don't think this at all, and neither does anyone i know who has met her. she's warm and kind, and she asks people about themselves (she says she does this when she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say, but... people don't know that, and who doesn't like feeling like someone else is interested in them?). they're both fairly introverted, but fig is more independent and doesn't seem to crave the other connections like daisy does. but, who knows... he wants more male friends too, though. *daisy and fig are not their real names. also, as an aside, my sister did a social work masters in chicago, and she told me (when i was looking into it) that university of michigan's social work program is the best in the country. 211019 ... nr i know they want more couple friends too. sometimes i feel irrationally bad that i've rarely been able to hang out with them with a partner. 211019 ... tender_square my analyst couldn't use his hands during the video conversation. he had to hold his phone after an internet mishap wouldn't allow his computer to connect. he observed that my life and my friendship with my ex was an extension of our marriage. he talked of debts and wondered when the scales would be balanced. "he's been here for me through the tenant debacle," i said. "isn't it reciprocity for me to be there for him during his move?" we were still relying on one another for the characteristics we lacked in ourselves. "i'm going to be unkind," my analyst warned. "it's codependency." i closed my eyes and nodded. call a spade a spade. my analyst described this type of relationship and i used my hands to follow his narrative. "in a codependent relationship, the figures are leaning on one another." i made my hands into a triangle where my fingertips touched and my palms were angled. "when one person falls, what happens?" i let one side of the triangle drop. "the other one drops too and it becomes a pile." my left hand stacked on top of my right. "but in a healthy relationship, both figures are firmly rooted in themselves." i held my hands up and palms like a pulled-apart prayer. "how do they meet?" he asked. i looked at him quizzically, not knowing the answer. on the screen, he pushed his palms together. the figures were upright, the figures did not fall, the figures moved together and away independent of the other. 230509 what's it to you? who go blather from