square_the_circle_chapter_24_
unhinged kayla snuck in the front door like a guilty teenager who was afraid her father would be sitting on the couch waiting to catch her. but as she fully entered the house, max started rubbing against her ankles mewing in hungry protest.

'scott....scott are you here?'

the house was silent. she walked back to the kitchen and put the rest of the can of food in max's dish. 'scott!'

still no answer. she ran up the stairs and checked the bedroom and the bathroom and he was obviously not there. she sat down on their bed and thought of dennis. kayla knew she was prone to lapses in judgement when she was fucked up, but...how could she do that? and how did dennis...just the thought of the inside of dennis's car made kayla squirm. how was she going to work with him? how could she not work with him for a grand a week?

and then she remembered scott's phone call and dennis making her moan. she ran downstairs and got her phone out of her purse.


dennis ran into the store right up to the register. he scared the cashier.

'sir....can i help you?'

'i need to speak to dennis browne. right now.'

'sir are you drunk?'

'maybe, a little. i need to speak to dennis browne.'

'he isn't here right now. he is out at a job site. we are trying to close the store now sir.'

'you should call him. i need to speak to dennis browne right now.' scott's phone rang. it startled him out of his rage. when he finally dug his phone out of his pocket, he noticed it was kayla. 'i'm sorry. i think i'll be leaving.' scott turned to walk out of the store and answered his phone. 'kayla, where are you?'

'i'm at home. where are you?'

'at the garden room, waiting for you and your boss.'

'he offered to pay me a grand a week.'

momentarily, the sound of kayla's moans and the deceptive lilt of her voice left scott's brain. 'really?! that's...fucking unbelieveable.'

'you should come home and we'll celebrate.'

'i wrecked my bike on the way here, but i'll be home as soon as i can.' 		060522
...
unhinged scott trotted with his broken bike all the way home. he was anxious to see kayla; after he hung up the phone his earlier conversation with her came back to him quickly. and then he thought of aaron's friend that was assaulted by dennis browne. scott wasn't willing to trade all the money in the world for kayla's saftey.

when he finally got home, scott threw his broken bike in the frontyard and raced up to the front door. he turned the knob and discovered it was unlocked. he tumbled in the door under his own drunken weight. 'kayla?'


after kayla hung up the phone with scott, her guilt immediately overtook her. how could she have let dennis do that to her? kayla never liked to make excuses for herself so it never occurred to her that maybe the joint her and dennis had smoked in his car was laced with something. was she really willing to be dennis's whore? as exhilarating as it was to help him land that deal, she was also ashamed of some of the stunts that she had pulled. she needed to learn how to say no before she ruined her life for good.

as all these thoughts tumbled through her still foggy head, hot tears began to stream down kayla's face. she felt so dirty. she stripped off her clothes, balled them up, and hid them under the bed. she ran across the hall to the bathroom and jumped in the shower and started to scrub herself violently.


'kayla?! where are you?' scott stopped to listen for her in the house and then he heard the shower running upstairs. he bounded up the stairs two at a time.

he stood tentatively outside the bathroom door and that was when he heard her sobbing. all his fears of the night, aaron's story about his friend, solidified in scott's head and he wrenched the door open.

'scott...'

'kayla, what's wrong?' he had pulled back the shower curtain and was half soaked by the still running water.

'i did something horrible. i let...' 		060601
...
unhinged it was rather strange that the serious events of scott and kayla's relationship kept occuring in bathrooms. when scott coaxed kayla out of the bathroom on the greyhound, clara, riley, and now this.

kayla couldn't finish the sentence. she just kept repeating 'i let...i let' over and over. she was beginning to hyperventilate. scott couldn't tell if she was crying from all the water. he finally lost his patience.

'i know what you did kayla. i heard it.'

her head snapped up and there was anger in her eyes. reaching down, she banged her fist on the button that turned the shower off. scott cringed. suddenly, it was silent and they both stood staring at each other dripping wet. kayla's lip started to tremble in anger. she pushed him out of the way and almost fell as her wet foot slipped on the bare tile. scott instinctively grabbed her arm to steady him but she viciously swatted it away.

'don't touch me.' her voice was deathly quiet. she ran out of the room. scott stood in the bathroom dumbfounded. she was mad at him?! she was the one that cheated. his drunken anger caught up with him and he followed after her.

scott found her in their bedroom standing in front of the mirror in her underwear violently tugging a comb through her hair. he lost it 'YOU are mad at ME right now? you were fucking your new boss when i called you and i caught you and YOU are mad at ME?'

kayla had stopped combing her hair during scott's tirade. 'you son of a bitch. you stupid son of a bitch.' she pushed him on the bed and sat on top of him before his drunken reflexes could react. she started punching him. scott was too shocked at her physical violence to even really defend himself. kayla punched him in the face and he finally reacted. 		060605
...
unhinged it occurred to scott almost at the same second that kayla's fist connected with his face that maybe she wasn't a completely willing participant to what he had heard over the phone. as gently as he could, scott grabbed kayla's arms by the wrists. kayla started to wriggle and eventually flail her arms around but scott wouldn't let go. they just silently struggled that way for awhile.

'let go scott.'

'what happened kayla?'

'let go.'

'what happened?'

she slid off his lap onto the bed. he finally let go of her wrists since she appeared to be calmed down. she covered her face with her hands. 'we didn't have sex scott. but i know that you heard...we...he...i just don't know how to say it.'

scott's anger had deflated immensely, but the memory of her moaning still made him suspicious and jealous. how many times had the phone rang while they were having sex or messing around? kayla had never let a sound slip out over the phone when she was with him. what was dennis browne doing to her that she couldn't control herself? a small, frustrated sigh escaped scott's lips. 'please just tell me what happened. i ran into aaron tonight while you were gone and he told me that dennis browne's last assistant left because he attacked her. he didn't...?'

kayla shook her head. she was staring down at her hands; she started to itch the inside of her left wrist. 'well after i talked to you and we got to his client's place he pulled out a joint in the car. he offered me some of it and of course i didn't refuse. when we got out of the car...' suddenly, kayla's head shot up and she stared right at scott with a scared recognition in her eyes. 'i think the joint might have been laced with something.'

'like what?'

'i was so excited when i got out of the car. but not nervous. which for me doesn't make any sense. maybe...it was laced with molly. but that doesn't really matter...'

'molly? of course it fucking matters kayla. you didn't consent to doing molly, whatever the fuck that is. you consented to smoking some pot. what is molly?'

'liquid ecstasy. it's really concentrated. my friends in youngstown used to do it because the pilled ecstasy was really dirty there. someone i knew at school died the first time she tried it because the stuff she had was laced with heroin and she overdosed.' kayla shook the memory out of her head like cobwebs. 'my friends used to lace their joints with it to make it last longer cause it was really expensive. i never smoked those joints with them though because of jen.'

she had started to scratch herself with increasing violence during the anecdote. scott reached over and grabbed her hand. she let him take it and squeezed so hard scott had to try not to wince. a thought of kayla fighting with clara's skeezy boyfriend and pulling a gun on him when scott wasn't there crossed scott's mind. and then her pummeling the shit out of riley and now him; scott looked down at the wrist kayla had been scratching and really noticed for the first time all the triangle and hexagon shaped scars carved in the underside of her forearm. most of them were so faint that he hadn't noticed them, but they were visible now under the red irritation of where she had been scratching. she noticed him staring and pulled her forearm in towards her belly.

'what happened after that?'

'we went into the house and a maid came with champagne. dennis discussed the project with the guy and i showed him the papers and he signed. then we had another glass of champagne and went outside to look at the yard where he wanted the work done. i think we had one more glass of champagne before we left. then we went out to the car,' kayla started to edge away from scott on the bed. she let go of his hand. 'and he started to kiss me and he put his hands up my skirt, but i didn't say no. i wanted him to; i couldn't say no.'

scott left the room and went downstairs. 		060608
...
unhinged kayla sat on the bed for a few minutes after scott left the room. a ragged sigh escaped her lips, she put on some pajamas, and she went downstairs. kayla found scott sitting at the dining room table with his head in his hands. she pulled out the chair across from him and sat down, but he remained motionless.

'scott?' nothing.

'scott...please say something....please?'

he finally looked up at her and the combination of feelings reflected in his eyes scared her. she could see anger, jealousy, sadness all jumbled up. scott's mouth worked open and shut silently like a fish for a few seconds. she began chewing on her fingertip anticipating his response but what he did say was completely unexpected.

'now we're even.'

kayla exhaled a quiet breathless 'huh?'

'reno, when i cheated,' he winced as he said the word 'i didn't have any excuse other than that i was jealous and pissed off. i wanted to hurt you and you just blanketly forgave me without asking me any of the details. it sounds like you were drugged by your boss and i know about your issues with sex especially when drugs are involved. so, we're even. but i don't think we can survive another cheating episode kayla. so let's promise that we won't.'

kayla grabbed scott's hand which forced him to look her in the eye. tears had started to silently stream down her face. she was the only girl that scott had ever met that could cry like that. 'i promise that i won't ever let another man touch me again as long as you still are.'

scott pulled her into his lap and gave her a long close-mouthed kiss as he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. she held his face in her hands and met the pressure of his kiss with equal weight and intensity. 'i promise that i will never try to hurt you intentionally by cheating or any other method as long as we are still together.'

'i don't want you working for that asshole though kayla.'

'but scott, that's a lot of money.'

'i don't care. he's a skeeze. he's going to try to sleep with you eventually. and what if he doesn't listen when you say no? what if he gives you roofies next time so that you don't remember? i don't give a shit about the money. you are worth way more to me than that.'

'i love you.' she planted another intense kiss on him. 'i'll call tomorrow and quit.'

they went upstairs. they were both too emotionally exhausted to have sex so they just fell asleep holding each other. 		060612
...
unhinged the next day scott woke up for work and realized his bike was busted. the store was quite a trip without it and he knew he was going to be late. he jumped out of bed mumbling swear words as he quickly pulled his clothes on. after she had admitted to waking up before him, sometimes kayla actually opened her eyes and watched him get ready for work. he glanced at the bed and noticed she was peeking through a hole in the covers.

scott heard a muffled 'what's wrong?' from underneath the blanket.

'i busted my bike yesterday;i'm going to be late for work.'

kayla poked her head out from underneath the covers. 'maybe we need a car....'

'we don't need a car; i just need to get my bike fixed.' scott snapped at her.

even though they had made up the night before, he couldn't bring himself to completely forgive her yet. he slept with his back to her. kayla cringed and turned to look out the window.

scott walked over to the bed, half climbed on, and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. 'i'm sorry kayla; i just need a little more time to not be angry.' she nodded and bit her lip. scott could see the tears welled in her eyes.

kayla reached up and rubbed the tears out of her eyes. 'i understand. i could take your bike in to that bike shop today while you are at work.'

'that would be really nice of you.' scott hopped back on the bed and pulled her into his arms. she buried her face in his chest. he could feel wet spots forming on the cotton; that was his only indication that she was crying. when she cried motionlessly and silently like that, it really freaked scott out. he gently pushed her away so that he could look in her eyes.

'i'm sooo sorry scott. i've never cheated on anyone before in my life.' she turned her face away from his intent stare. 'i feel like such a fucking asshole. i feel like you shouldn't forgive me; like you should stay mad at me forever.' the tears wouldn't stop but her voice hardly betrayed any notice of them. scott got a tissue from the nightstand and started wiping her face.

'YOU forgave ME when i cheated much worse; i know, i know, you don't know the details. but trust me, i did worse. and i love you kayla. i know it's kind of gotten swallowed up in all this violence that's been going on around us lately, but i asked you to marry me remember?' now she started to sniffle, and the chokehold her silent tears had on scott's heart loosened up. 'i still want that kayla. i've never loved someone the way i love you. so, i have to forgive you. i just have to, because i really don't want to imagine what my life would be like if i didn't. i just need some time.' she flung herself at him and started to sob into his neck.

he heard a muffled 'yes.'

'yes?'

'yes i'll marry you.' he lifted her up off the ground and planted a wet kiss on her.

'damn, i really hate to leave, but i have to go right now if i have any hope of getting to work on time today.'

'it's okay. and i'll call dennis today and tell him i quit. and take your bike to the shop.'

as he left the bedroom, he could feel the anger in his heart melting away faster than he could have ever anticipated. 'i love you.'

'i love you.' 		060703
...
unhinged kayla listened to scott's progress through the house from the bedroom. as she heard the front door close, the tears started again. she let the ugly strangled sobs out. she was such a fucking asshole. and somehow in the middle of one of their worst moments together, they had managed to solidfy their engagement.

max heard her crying and trotted into the bedroom with a worried meow. he jumped onto the bed and started licking her face. his sandpaper tongue lapped up the salty tears and made her smile.

but she couldn't stop seeing scott's face from the night before as he sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands. SHE had made him like that; so sad and angry and conflicted. her skin started to itch again and sadness overwhelmed her like a suffocating wave or blanket. what the fuck was her problem? why didn't she say no when dennis started kissing her? why didn't she especially say no when he put his hand up her skirt? her old habits of blame placed sole responsibility on her shoulders. a tiny far away voice in the back of her mind tried to console her with the fact that dennis had drugged her but the weight of her irrational blame slammed the door in the face of that reason.

kayla dragged herself out of the bedroom over to the bathroom and opened the drawer of the sink cabinet. her eyes instantly darted to the metal of the boxcutter. her fingers quickly reached out and grabbed it. she contemplated where she would do it.

the door to the rational part of her mind swung open partially and the same voice, a little louder this time, asked her where she thought she was going to cut herself that scott wouldn't see. she definitely couldn't cut up her left forearm like she preferred. it was summer in southern california; she couldn't go around wearing long sleeves during this time of year. if she covered it up with a band-aid, scott would just ask her what was underneath. and then her irrational sadness slamed the door shut even more firmly to her reasoning. she collapsed under the weight of it and the tears started again. she reached out to close the door even though max was the only being that could disturb her.

as she slammed the butt end of the boxcutter on the floor and exposed the blade, the ritual of it calmed her down and her tears stopped. kayla examined the scars on her arm and decided that she didn't care if scott saw them. her irrational mind didn't stop to think that maybe by cutting she would be hurting him more than she was hurting herself. maybe she tried to convince herself that she didn't care if he saw them, but even her irrational mind didn't want him to see or know. she would just make a few tiny cuts and cover them up with a band aid and he would never know.

she held the blade up to her wrist and examined the old designs. she decided to add another triangle to the cluster of triangles on her inside forearm near her elbow. as she pressed down with her right hand, part of her was nervous. nervous that she would mess up the design, nervous that she would slip or press down too hard. but then the blade bit into her skin and she could feel the sting of the cut and the pain soothed her. she completed the new triangle with a second cut. the second cut was enough to hold the sadness down to a manageable level and shut up the voice of blame in her head.

kayla sucked at the blood. the rusty taste on her tongue also calmed her. the boxcutter left a dull sting and ache, and if she got deep enough, a throbbing that distracted her from the blame and sadness in her mind and her heart. she stood up and got a band-aid out of the medicine cabinet. she peeled off the wrapper, stuck it on her arm, and walked downstairs to make her phone call to dennis. 		060703
...
unhinged kayla stood in front of the phone, thinking of what she would say. a couple different scenarios and conversations raced through her head. she couldn't decide which one to pick. fuck it. she just needed to call and tell him she wasn't going to come in today or ever.

she shook the nervousness out of her hands and picked up the receiver. biting her lip, she dialed dennis's cell phone number. the phone began to ring and her heart leapt up into her throat.

'hello?' she sounded like she had woken him up.

'did i wake you?'

'ohhh...kayla. yeah you did, but that's okay. what's going on?'

'uummmm...'

'spit it out dear. i'm very impatient when i'm half awake. no honey, it's my assistant.' kayla could hear snatches of a female voice over the line.

'i can't come in. i can't work for you.'

'what? why?'

'you know why dennis.' kayla was trying to be discreet. she figured that dennis's girl on his end could probably hear her voice and/or what she was saying.

'oh, come on. yesterday wasn't a big deal. korzan loved you. i know he signed just because of you.'

'i'm not talking about that. and i don't want to get you in trouble.'

'don't worry about my girlfriend. i'm downstairs now. why don't you come in today so we can talk about this?'

'dennis....i don't...'

'please?' the tone of his voice was almost irresistible.

'well, ok. i'll come in around ten.'

'i'll see you at ten then.' 		060703
...
unhinged square_the_circle_chapter_25_ 061016
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
from