i'm_queer androgyne hi blather this is me coming out, anonymously Kind of a cop-out, because this ain't my real blather alias fakename. I'm queer. Peace. 061104 ... captcha I think the turning point was realizing that with barely any effort at all, I'd switched from a theoretical queer into a fully-fledged actively participating one. I thought it would be climactic and momentous. Instead it was a belated dawning. I can understand the fear of leaving the closet, because I am in a closet I never knew existed in my psychological bedroom, and antennae have sprung from my forehead and are yelling at me to be careful, because this isn't a safe space. I'm not afraid of having my lungs kicked in. I'm afraid of the behind-door murmuring and quietly skeptical heterosexism and casual dismissal of me, while I sit squinched up in the corner of this closet trying to hear. I still don't identify as capital Q queer, but now I know that I cannot identify as a capital S straight. There's a scene in the book Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh in which her friends steal Harriet's private, damning notebook and read it aloud to each other. When Harriet finds them, she cannot just walk up and snatch her notebook back and be done with the whole affair. Yes, because she could be prevented physically, but also because the damage is already done. One of the girls notices her, and instructs her to go and sit at an adjacent bench while they "decide what to do with her". I'm afraid of doing the damage. I'm afraid of needing desperately to turn back. If I come out, everybody will be sitting on that park bench, sifting through my dirty laundry, deciding what to do with me, and the fact that I can fall in love with, have sex with, go down on, women, and choose to act on it. I'm not gay. I'm just universal. Help. 061104 ... captcha I think the turning point was realizing that with barely any effort at all, I'd switched from a theoretical queer into a fully-fledged actively participating one. I thought it would be climactic and momentous. Instead it was a belated dawning. I can understand the fear of leaving the closet, because I am in a closet I never knew existed in my psychological bedroom, and antennae have sprung from my forehead and are yelling at me to be careful, because this isn't a safe space. I'm not afraid of having my lungs kicked in. I'm afraid of the behind-door murmuring and quietly skeptical heterosexism and casual dismissal of me, while I sit squinched up in the corner of this closet trying to hear. I still don't identify as capital Q queer, but now I know that I cannot identify as a capital S straight. There's a scene in the book Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh in which her friends steal Harriet's private, damning notebook and read it aloud to each other. When Harriet finds them, she cannot just walk up and snatch her notebook back and be done with the whole affair. Yes, because she could be prevented physically, but also because the damage is already done. One of the girls notices her, and instructs her to go and sit at an adjacent bench while they "decide what to do with her". I'm afraid of doing the damage. I'm afraid of needing desperately to turn back. If I come out, everybody will be sitting on that park bench, sifting through my dirty laundry, deciding what to do with me, and the fact that I can fall in love with, have sex with, go down on, women, and choose to act on it. I'm not gay. I'm just universal. Help. 061104 ... androgyne I'm not gay. At least not yet. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. It's ironic, because i ended up wandering into the queer community one Wednesday night through a straight crush (on a gay person) and there's stuff here in queer that isn't me and that I don't identify with, but I'm feeling like it's not somewhere I could leave...... but I feel fake some days because I don't know what my sexual orientation is, but I don't know what my gender is either, which is what makes me queer and I'm coming out by bits and pieces, sideways and upside down, and people accept me as queer faster than I'll accept myself so maybe my queer friends think I'm queer and my straight friends think I'm straight and my bi friend thinks I'm bi, because I've said all of these things and meant them and believed them, and they're not necessarily contradictory. ----------- I'm also afraid of people judging me because of being queer.. but at the same time, I think I get a shitload of baggage from Straight as well [omgz do you have a partner of the opposite sex yet?], and it irritates me but yeah. Burning bridges is scary.. but I've left stuff ambiguous enough for the moment that I could still come out as straight... but I don't think I could is there any such thing as Straight straight straight, or is it just something people pretend to be? (Kinsey style, I guess..) 061104 ... Pto Well, I'm gay gay gay. I am a Kinsey 6. So there must be straight straight straights, Kinsey 0s. Some gay men need to learn to respect that. 061105 ... misstree it's not a sliding scale because rulers are two dimensional nor does it sit still because it morphs with minds and moments but the important part is not who you love but *that* you love as often and loudly as you can. 061105 ... androgyne :) misstree and :) Pto 061105 what's it to you? who go blather from